Shortty shorts

Ahhh, warm weather again!

For the past like ten years of my life, I was one of those girls that refused to wear shorts. No matter how hot it was outside, I wouldn't wear shorts, dresses or tank tops without a hoodie or cardigan over it. I'm starting to realize how ridiculous this was.

Being so uncomfortable with my weight, has cost me so much. I'm starting to realize just how much. Everyone that is over weight tends to wear baggy clothes or things that will cover them up. They will sacrifice their comfort physically, for their comfort emotionally. HUGE HUGE DIFFERENCE HERE. I would go on vacations and out on hot days, sweating my ass off for the sake of covering up my pudge. It makes me really sad when I think back on it now. Isn't it strange how you felt like a whale just a few years ago, then you look back in pictures to only discover you were way smaller than you are today? This is something that has bothered me for years. It's a common frustration I'm sure everyone can relate to. It seems like I always learn these lessons too late. I used to get so angry when I didn't understand things in class, only to move onto the next until and have the "a-ha!" moment...then find out this chapter is WAY harder than the one before. UGH. So frustrating. 

I'm realizing my weight loss more and more these days. The first thing Nikki told me when I picked her up, was that I looked smaller. So exciting! I went to Target the other night and bought myself some new shorts. I had bought myself shorts and dresses last year for my vacation to Punta Cana. Even on a tropical vacation, I had some major body issues. Everyone at the resort had a rockin' body, except for me I felt like. Nothing hit home like the excursion we took to swim with the sharks. We had been out snorkeling for about 30 mins, when a man had pushed me over onto the coral reef on accident. I lifted up my leg in the water and blood was gushing out of my leg. I had been cut from knee to ankle, and needed to be glued shut for sure! They had a little boat come out to get me, just a small row boat with four others on it. There was nothing to push myself up onto the boat with, so there I was. Floating dead in the water while two Dominican men (SMALLER THAN ME mind you) had to hoist my fat ass up onto this row boat. I was HUMILIATED. The people on the boat were nice, but not that nice. When I got back onto the catamaran, I heard them joking about me in Spanish. Little did they know I took six years of it, and my Spanish is still pretty damn good. After this woman patched up my leg, I sat on the upper deck in the sun. I sipped my cocktail, smoked a cigarette and wanted to cry my eyes out. The girls were still out, and I wasn't ready to go swim with the sharks and sting rays yet. It was in that moment, I felt so ashamed. Like I didn't deserve to have such a lavish vacation. 

It was moments like these, that made me so insecure to show any parts of my body. I was ashamed of how I looked, and in all honesty to some degree I still feel that way. I had promised myself back in September when I initiated this weight loss program, that I'd be comfortable by summer to wear summery things. I finally feel like I'm at that point! I got lots of new shorts and shirts, and don't feel conscious at all about wearing them out. Now, a bathing suit is a totally different story! I'm pretty top heavy, so finding a suit with enough support is always a problem. Speaking of which, my spare tire (lower pouch area) has gone down significantly, and my legs are starting to look really good. Getting to the point where how I feel is reflected to how I look, is amazing. I mean it's always been there hello! The first thing you think of when you see someone dressing frumpy and a mess, they're probably not feeling too great. At least that's what I think. You'd have to be in that place to understand. 

I'm gaining confidence in myself on a daily basis, it is slow but surely getting there. Every day I've been given lessons in my life to use. I don't EVER want to feel like I felt on that catamaran. No matter what size I am, I never want to be ashamed because of my outside appearance. It's true. When you're larger, you begin to think that you don't deserve a fulfilled life. You feel inferior because of the way you look. I don't want to be that girl, that people comment on. "She's got such a pretty face..." but what? Not a body to match it? It's incredibly painful, a reality that all people with body image issues face. 

The support from my friends, family and staff at Aviva has made such a positive change for me. Something that I can feel inside shining to the outside. I don't think they'll ever realize what a big deal it is, to just give that iota of encouragement. It's definitely more help and positive energy than some people have. I'm finally feeling happy about myself, inside and out!