Is this real life?

Sadly, I think it is.

I wrote a huge long post about being upset that I chose not to post. In respect to those involved, and honestly--it made me feel better just to write about it. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. I pretty much made a point to make an appearance and then left after. I haven't been feeling so great physically or in the mood to be happy pappy. 

I've felt like for a really long time that I don't matter. That nothing in my life really matters to anyone but me. My life hasn't been horrible, not even that close. There are just things that I wish were different. Recent events have made me realize why I feel like I can't rely on anyone. Everyone else's problems are always more important than mine. I've been conditioned to put my own feelings, emotions, and problems on the back burner. Where they slowly simmer until all them evaporate and leave the pan with nothing but an ugly burnt char mark. Don't get me wrong, I have other people in my family and life I can turn to. Not that I don't appreciate them, I just feel like the people that it should matter to--disregard me entirely. 

And the ones who do it, are the exact ones who shouldn't. For years I've been feeling like the "glue" that held everything together. When things became somewhat salvageable, it's like everyone forgot what I had done to make things work. Everything went back to "normal" and no one could understand why I am so angry. You can't just push things on one person and make them carry it. Without so much as a thank you, or even a mention of it at all. I'm not really looking for gratitude, I just want them to return the favor. I had to put things in my life aside, to take care of things IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. So that we could somewhat function and try to be a family. We all do things that we believe are "the right things to do" in times of need, but I won't ever volunteer to do it again.

Sometimes I just need to call up and have nothing but a conversation to vent. Where the other person on the line is supposed to listen, agree with me that the situation isn't right or fair--not make me feel worse about it and tell me that it's my fault I live a f*$%!* up life. Han once told me that "cancerous" people need to be cut out of your life, just like if you have cancer in your body. But what do you do, when the cancerous people are in your family?

I've been calculating my escape to a new life for a while now. I want to have the freshest start I can. Starting a new life being healthy inside and out, confident, happy and fulfilled. This does not include some people. It's like that line from that Dylan song:

"When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,

look out your window and I'll be gone.

You're the reason I'm a travellin' on

but don't think twice,

it's all right."

My mother always says that I'll "appreciate" her too late when she's gone and dead. I wonder who will appreciate me and things I've done, when I've set out to live a life of my own that doesn't include them? 

Just for the record, I am NOT suicidal lol.