Can it happen?

Maybe, but probably not likely.

A few weeks ago, I had set my goal to be in the 160's by the end of the month. although I knew I could totally do it, I'm starting to think differently now. It's damn near the end of the month and I'm still maintaining at the mid 170's. It's totally better than I was before, but I can't help but feel a little down on myself. 

I'm trying to stay really hard and focused on losing the weight. I will for sure be smaller in October, and that I can totally promise you. I'm at the weight I was, my senior year of high school. I'd like to be smaller than this hello! It's recently occurred to me, that I am EXTREMELY lucky I carry my weight well. Not just masking how much I truly weigh, but I'm proportional.

Marissa cracked me up when we were hiking. My legs are pretty muscular, and at one point she said they were budging out! Nothing says sexy like a pair of manly legs! Truth is, my legs have shrunk! They've become skinnier, and where there is skinny--unfortunately there's lumpy. My upper inner thighs are nasty nast. I know that it's a process where I have to get them toned, and exercising more than I have been will take care of it. I'm just going to have to work at it. For losing as much weight as I have, I shouldn't be so hard on myself about the not so toned areas of my body. I could totally have loose saggy skin, but I'm taking care of this at an age where my skin is still pretty elastic. 

So can the 160's happen? Absolutely, but realistically not by the end of this month. I will sure as shit be in the 160's sometime during September. Mid September will be better than late at least. Upon getting a lot of outdoor exercise time in these past few weeks, I also haven't made the healthiest choices. Drinking and eating things I shouldn't be eating. BUT I will say this, there were plenty of times I stopped myself from over indulging. Marissa was telling me just yesterday she found an old planner and realized she was working out six times a week! No wonder she was itty bitty! When you're conditioned in that kind of a life style, you kind of take for granted of what you have. It isn't until you stop living that way, when your regrets start rolling in. 

I'm super happy to report back, that my good friend Lisa is doing REALLY well on the program! I'm super happy for her. I can't tell you what a gift it is, to feel like you actually have control over your life. That your hard work, pain and struggle in this can be SEEN by the naked eye! I'm so glad that I can pass this lifestyle on and help people. This has changed me for the better, and I can't thank Aviva and Dr. Cusimano enough. The best gift you can be given is life. 

Grass roots

Sometimes you just have to get back home.

This past weekend, was kind of weird. The girls and I made plans to go hiking. The summer is coming down to an end, and it breaks my heart. Good thing we decided to go on a nature adventure on one of the last beautiful summer days we had left! 

Whenever I work out or get exercise, I get real quiet. I'm just trying to focus and I just kind of get into the zone where I tune everything out. Neil took us on an adventure to just go and sweat all of our troubles out. It hasn't really rained a lot so the falls were dried up, and it was real sad for me. I'm not used to seeing the area so dry before. Either way, there were lots of people that had the same idea we did. I'm used to having to haul ass up hills and climb over shit that scares me, but this trip was easy breezy. It was only probably a little over a mile out, and we hung out and walked back. There was a small amount of water we climbed through, but even at that--it was really cool to see what the bottom of the gorge looked like.

I kind of kept giggling to myself, because Marissa kept asking me if I was okay. She said it seemed like I was upset or mad, which I totally wasn't. Like I said, I just get in the zone and try to take it all in. There's something really refreshing about being in the outdoors. Being surrounded by everything nature has literally created. There's something about it that makes you dig your heels into the ground just a little firmer, and it cleanses your soul. That's what it does for me anyway. I don't particularly camp in tents all too often, but I do enjoy being outside and exploring. 

We all had a lot of fun being outside and such. We spent the rest of the weekend all together, having a good time. I was super tired the whole time I was there. I haven't been able to get much sleep, and haven't been much for company. Many apologies to my friends, I've been distant and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be in that mode for. The things you seem to suppress deep down, so you can function daily have a way of catching up with you. To speak on here of having so much loss seems to have not much worth to me. I can't possibly describe what the past few years have done to me, and it is extremely personal. Someday we'll all get to a point in our lives where we can figure it out. Clean out the skeletons for good. God only knows, how desperately I've been trying to do that. And I think I may just be getting the hang of doing it. just maybe. 

We posted pictures along the way, and I just got done uploading all my pictures from my camera. It still seems odd to me, that the girl in the photos is actually ME! Isn't that strange? Do you ever stop and sit sometimes and wonder how other people see you physically? I mean, you know what you look like--but I often wonder how other people see me. When I think about that, I assume people see the pudgy girl with the pretty face. The girl that no one really took any interest in. She was just labeled as "good people". What if some people don't see me like that? What happens if people see me as something amazing, something different? Not the pudgy girl with the pretty face, the melting girl with a heart of gold? Hmm...I wonder.

             

These are a few of the pics from this weekend. The one on the left cracks me up every time lol. I bought some ribbed tank tops from Target the other day, and threw one on to go hiking in. Nikki pointed out it was probably long enough to pull down past my shorts, and it totally was! The picture of us on the right has to be one of my favorites! Not only does it scream 'Murica! but I think it has shown a lot of my progress. When Marissa posted this online, I got a lot of compliments. I didn't see how I'd significantly changed until I got home and looked at it on a computer. My first reaction when I saw it, was I must have been standing at a good angle. It's hard not to talk myself out of actual realness I guess you could say. I've never been one to really boast about things in my life anyway. Another habit I'm going to have to kick. Learn how to take compliments and to believe in them.

Reward time

Every 10 pounds I lose, I reward myself.

Healthy rewards are always a bonus. I'd rather reward myself with a little somethin' somethin' than food. Food is not your friend, it is fuel. I'm starting to HATE when people invite me out to dinner to celebrate something. Our value on food as a society, has lead us to celebrate dumping an obscene amount of food into our bellies, so much that we are sure to leave in food comas. I still go with them, no doubt. I just portion control.

Has anyone heard of Nike fuel band? If you haven't, you should really look into it. It's an awesome product, that I think might just be my 30lb reward! Anyone that knows me, know that I swear by my Nikes. I freaking love them. Although I've been wearing Saucony lately (they're really comfortable sneakers!), I always go back to my trusted Nike kicks. Nike+ is a million dollar idea. It's this little thing that you put in the bottom of your Nikes, and tracks how many miles you've ran and where. There's a site you just register at, and you can keep things totally private. Since I am not a long distance runner, I've been looking into getting a fuel band. The system is almost like a pedometer, but better.

Okay, so it's a little masculine looking, but the benefits will outweigh it's ugliness. Basically, it's a wristband. You wear it all day. It collects data from movement and activity you do. Once you set up an account, you put yourself at a daily goal. Throughout the day, the colored meter slowly changes, and when you've hit green you've hit goal! I find this to be more of my style. Seeing as I don't run all the time, but I move around a lot. It'll track calories, steps, miles etc. I already constantly wear a hair tie around my wrist, so wearing this wouldn't be a big deal. It's also a visual and mental thing. I bet it feels awesome to finally see the bracelet light green! It's a visible reminder to be active, and to stay on target! 

It runs for $149, and you can order it online. I'll have to research it a bit more, I doubt that it is waterproof. I thought about getting a FitBit also, but I like the fuel band better I think. The FitBit clips onto your shirt/pants and it looks like it could fall off. Something I'm not interested in losing so quickly. Either way, I'll research it some more and report back! Anyone use it before?

Beaches

Where to begin?

I've never worn a bikini in my entire life. Not even when I was thin. Isn't it strange how in the past you view yourself as being a whale, and you look back now and realize you were skinny? I hate that shit. It makes me feel like I wasted time, time that I could have spent being happy and comfortable.

There is no way in hell that I'll be slinking into a bikini this year. It's just a fact. I'm hoping that by next summer, I'll be small and confident enough to wear one. For now, I'm sticking to my tankinis. I really do like them actually. It makes me feel better than wearing a one piece. Not that there's anything wrong wearing a once piece, wearing two separates makes me feel like I'm on the verge of getting to my goal. There was a time in my life where I didn't put on a bathing suit. I simply didn't go to the beach swimming or anything. In fact up until last year, it had been almost NINE YEARS since I had put on a swim suit. It's crazy how your insecurity can hold you back for so long. 

Here's the truth about the whole swim suit bit. If you're comfortable, who gives a shit. Honestly. On my vacation to the DR last year, there was a British woman I was talking to at the beach. She was large, probably around 240 if I had to guess. She was wearing a bikini! To tell you the truth, she didn't look bad in it either. I observed her while we were sipping on drinks together, and I realized how confident she was. A confident British woman in her 50's wearing a bikini without a rock hard body, and no one seemed to notice. I envied her, I was totally jealous. How is it, that I'm smaller than her and feeling INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE in my suit on the beach? 

If you're happy with who you are, how you look, and you're confident--it can make ALL the difference. I bought a tankini top from Victoria's Secret. When it arrived in the mail, I was so excited to put it on. When I looked at it online, it didn't seem like it plunged down too far. When I tried it on, I felt like it plunged half way to my belly button! My boobs are big, they've always been big. I don't like to flaunt my chest, because I'm not confident in my body. And that is the TRUTH. I'm not comfortable with getting "that kind" of attention from people. I don't know what that issue is. Just speaking out loud, I have a serious pet peeve with some larger girls. It irritates the HELL out of me, when larger girls wear tops so their boobs hang out. Like that's the only part of you that matters? It makes me incredibly annoyed, because it's TRASHY. It's almost like showing that being overweight isn't so bad, because you have huge bazoombas on you and skinny girls don't. I just find it sad and degrading. This is TOTALLY my own shit. If you happen to be one of those girls, I'm apologizing ahead of time. Maybe those girls are really super confident in themselves, I have no idea. I just know, that I'm not one of them.

Moving along. A few weeks later I tried on the top again, and started to think it wasn't so bad. My recent trip to NYC has given me a boost of confidence I didn't know could exist. I'm proud of my progress this far, and I should have happy to show off my hard work. Just don't expect to find me running around in skimpy clothes! The biggest problem I have with finding a suit, is getting enough support. Like I said, I don't like the girls to hang out for a peep show! Last night I had to go to Target for a wireless router, and a power surge thing. While I was there, I stumbled upon a gray and neon tankini that was super cute. Luckily, they had a large top in my size, and matching bottoms. I've always wanted the luxury of buying really cute suits. I'm not quite there yet, but pretty damn close. I hurried to the dressing room, put on the top and discovered my belly had deflated! The top looked really good, and I was actually comfortable in it! It's not typically something I'd wear, but that's exactly why I bought it. It's gray with neon yellow/greenish piping on it. Nothing fancy or anything, but I'm really happy I bought it. 

I'm headed to a summer full of pool parties, beaches and fun. I don't want to be ashamed or scared to wear my suit in front of everyone. I need to look at my progress and how far I've came, versus thinking about how much further I need to go. Weight loss is a serious reality and wake up call. It's always going to be battle for me, and it's one that is totally worth fighting for. My goals aren't too far out there, they're totally achievable. I just have to keep going.

Munchie mania!

Guys, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't understand.

Sometimes I hate hormones, actually...I hate them all the time. Why does it have to effect us so much? I mean PMS is bad enough, but then when you're pregnant they go out of whack, and then when you go through menopause. Whoever said being a woman was easy?! Slow down there killed (for you men reading, if any...) I never said it wasn't easy being a man either!

Every month around the same time, I turn into an unstoppable machine. I'm either flying around at work hustling my butt off, or you can find me day dreaming about eating really bad shit. Most of the time when I'm on my cycle, it happens to land on a work week. I've grown to appreciate this, because I can at least control it a little bit. If I only bring supplies with me that are healthy, I feel A WHOLE LOT better. This week I packed fruits and veggies. When I got cravings for the munchies, I went to my stash of healthy foods. Don't get me wrong, it was AWFUL. Not that bad I suppose, but when you really want something bad like junk food hell bad--the rabbit food is the pits!

So why does my body and brain hate me so? What have I done to them?! Besides abusing the shit out of it by eating horrible food, alcohol, and not exercising enough? LOL. Ahh we got to laugh at ourselves at some point right? Either way, I'm coping with this time of the month a lot better than I used to. Before, I'd totally eat you out of house and home! Putting limits on yourself is very difficult, but do the best you can! Luckily, I have a great support team and a goal to keep working towards. 

Trust me. Even though you bought a round trip ticket to munchie mania,

it's not likely you'll come back out of it.

Keep pushing yourself to make the healthier choices in your life. My thought process was completely messed up before. It was all about justifying what I ate. "Oh, I can eat this. I'll just work out an extra half hour at the gym". How about no? No. Don't do it to yourself. If you allow yourself to justify one unhealthy decision, you'll continue to make more of them. I've been there, and it blows. And I'm trying my damnedest to stop!

Summer in the city

Thursday, I spent most of the day by myself.

It was actually really refreshing. Because I am no longer afraid of the subway system, I can navigate very well. I of course, slept in because that is what I do on my weeks off. Don't judge me, you would totally sleep in too if you worked the hours I work! I got up, ate some cheerios, took my meds, strapped on my chucks and out the door I went! 

Exploring my sister's neighborhood was a lot of fun. There are so many places to walk around to, so many shops to go in and out of. I'm not one of those people who needs someone to hold my hand while I go to new places. Who gives a shit right, I mean it's NY! I went into Aldo, only to find nothing I liked. Sigh. I really love their shoes too! That's okay! I walked up and down the streets popping in and out of random shops. There were a lot of really great things everywhere, but I had no need to buy anything. What a shame! Too bad there weren't any cute dresses that were in my size, I would have snatched them up quickly! 

It was really hot and I had been walking around for almost two hours when I decided to go into Barnes and Noble. Being a Kindle owner, I totally cheated. There's something about holding a book, that makes me feel at ease. It's nice to just read fiction. After so many years of school, it is a totally refreshing experience to just read a story versus physics and anatomy. I've been looking to educate myself more on real estate. What I should know about renting, buying, owning and selling. You never know what could happen! Buying a home is a giant deal, and I want to know everything while I still have the chance to. Thank God for "The Dummy" books, I'll read up on mine when I have time!

After my wee break in Barnes and Noble, I headed downtown in the city. Han was going to meet us at the office, and we would all go home together. My poor sister! She just started this job, and she's had non stop company for almost a month now. Yikes! Her office is really great, and I love that it's in a really great part of NY. We went to this Greek place for dinner near home, and it was okay. I'm not a big fan of Mexican or Mediterranean food. There's just something in those spices that I really don't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I'll eat tacos and hummus any day, but I usually don't stray too far from them. I'm kind of a drag to eat with I guess. Everyone else in my family seems to love those two types of food. The only real Greek I enjoy, are Greek salads and feta cheese. That's about it! I'm not really a fan of baklava either! 

The portion size of my meal was way too big! I ordered the beef kabob and when it came out, it looked like I ordered an entire side of beef. Gross. I had already eaten my salad that came with my meal, so I only ate a few bites of the meat and a few spoonfuls of rice. I hate to say it too, because I can't stand seeing food go to waste...and that's exactly what happened. I don't know what's wrong or right with me anymore. It seems like I'm eating less and less, and everyone around me is becoming really concerned. I have to admit, I didn't notice I was eating less until I started going to eat with other people. It's amusing the things you notice when you're eating with people. The quantity of food, how much you eat until you're full, and how much they eat. I'm not food policing anyone, it's just something that I'm becoming more aware of. The girls got really concerned for me, but I think it's normal. Once you've been on a regiment like mine for six months, you don't really go back to eating how you used to. At least now, I can't see how I could ever eat as much as I did. 

Drive

I survived my first drive into NYC!

Tuesday rolled around and I made the great adventure to the city. I was super nervous about driving, seeing as people are effing crazy drivers in big cities. The bus was definitely not an option. Upon leaving, my mom threw a fit because she was scared for me to drive. When she came to terms that I was doing it, she of course didn't hesitate on making me cart a bunch of shit for my sister.

It was pouring the whole way there! Rain is a sensitive subject around these areas. We've been hit twice now with big flooding disasters and everyone tends to be on edge. The drive in wasn't too bad to be completely honest. I'm not really sure why I was so scared to drive. Tolls of course were a bit expensive, but whatever it's still better than driving the bus. I got into my sister's neighborhood, and found a parking garage I had made arrangements with. The streets have metered parking with a two hour maximum. There was seriously no way that I would be able to keep moving my wheels.

After getting settled in, I made plans to meet up with some friends. Marissa just got a job in the city, and she lived with good friend's of ours. Robbi and her came to get me for dinner and drinks, and boy was that a mistake! We got onto the Grand Central, keep in mind still raining and hit a gaping pot hole the size of VW Bug. Pop went the tire, and there we were. Stranded on the side of the freeway, six cars pulled over behind us and another one in front. Thanks New York for not patching up highways! Some construction guy probably dug that hole with a jack hammer to create more business for the tow trucks!

We all were a bit confused and intimidated to change the tire. Luckily Robbi had a full tire in his trunk. With a little help from our other flat tire friend in front of us, we were able to get it on and go to dinner. There was a burger place near by we went to. I ordered a burger and a margarita. I couldn't finish either of them. Marissa took the other half of my burger for her lunch the next day, so it worked out pretty well! I caught a cab ride back, seeing as I didn't want to traumatize Robbi anymore than I already had.

Overall, the ride honestly was pretty smooth. Traffic of course was heavy at times, but I'm feeling super accomplished and proud of myself. NYC is not as scary to navigate as I thought it would be, and I'm finally feeling like I'm getting the hang of everything after all these years! PLUS, I don't feel bad about not finishing my food---seeing as it was probably awful for me anyway!

Back to focus

Sorry for all the melodramatic blog posts.

This whole weight loss crusade I'm on, has been really strange to say the least. I'm trimming the fat so to speak on my entire life. Body, soul, emotionally and mentally. It makes the most sense really. Why not strive to grow for the better? Might as well do it all at once, that way you'll save yourself some time.

Working night shift has been pretty good actually. I don't mind working nights, I actually rather like them. For the most part I'm by myself, so I have more control over how I do my cases. You can't get in a whole lot of trouble if no one else is really around, and it is in general more relaxed. I had a tough time getting my head wrapped around this whole thing. When you're working night shift, it is so hard not to go into garbage mode and eat everything in sight. It's like you're totally eating out of nothing but boredom! 

I went out and stocked up on plenty of fruits and veggies to hold me over. When I get up in the afternoon, I just poke around the house. Munching on a protein bar usually helps before I go into work, but other than that I can't really say the night shift is great nutritional conditioning. It's hard to figure out what meal to eat. You're not really eating dinner but it feels like it. I usually stop eating after 7pm, so it's been crazy hard for me to get myself around it.

After I left work this morning, I hopped on the scale only to find I had dropped three pounds. I'm not surprised really, if I'm just eating ruffage you know lol. It made me feel better any how, because I know I'm doing the right thing by monitoring what I eat at night. Tonight is my last night shift before I'm off again. I requested some vacation days, and I plan on spending some time with friends tomorrow. After that it's back to NYC for me again. Han is flying in from LA and I'm super excited to see her and visit! It'll be fun for sure.

I've decided to pony up and just drive into the city. I'm for sure not going to deal with dragging my rolley bag all over the city, up and down the subway. I almost think paying for parking and driving in myself, is a WHOLE lot better than dry heaving for three hours on the journey there. Besides, I won't have to worry about anyone's "Mexican salsa" music this time and the mean drivers yelling! LOL

WTF Tuesday.

I didn't get to weigh in.

In fact, I was on my way to my appointment when work called me. Wednesday starts the beginning of my next work rotation, so naturally I knew something was up. They asked me to work night shift due to an emergency, and I like a dumbass said yes. Due to the circumstances for my night guy, it is not an issue at all. In fact, working nights is kind of nice. I get to sleep in and I don't have to deal with any drama because I'm pretty much by myself. The only thing that I'm miffed about is the weekend, because I may have to potentially use my vacation hours to cover if my night guy comes back Sunday. Which is bullshit, because I'm DOING THEM A FAVOR AND I SHOULDN'T GET PENALIZED FOR IT. 

I headed to the office only to find some crazy lady parked all weird in the lot. I took a minute to gather my things, and couldn't help to notice she was staring at me. The perks of having great peripheral vision, you see a lot more than normal people do. I got out of my car and she rolled down the window to tell me the office was closed. CLOSED?! Thanks for the effing phone call! I walked up to the door, only to find a note stuck on it. It said pretty much sorry for the inconvenience and the office was closed due to an illness.

SOMEONE had to come to put the sign on the door, so obviously they didn't think to call and let us know. Whatever, it made me feel like I was in college again. Her office is upgrading their system, they text you and give you an automated call for appointment reminders. It would have super nice if we had it available online. Where patients could just schedule their own appointments and shit there, instead of answering to someone else.

I'm not too upset I didn't get to weigh in. According to my scale, I put on three pounds again. MF'er!!!! Guess I won't be able to find anything out for another two weeks. That's right people you read correctly, two weeks. I'm headed out of town on Monday, so no weigh in for me. Grrr....

Shortty shorts

Ahhh, warm weather again!

For the past like ten years of my life, I was one of those girls that refused to wear shorts. No matter how hot it was outside, I wouldn't wear shorts, dresses or tank tops without a hoodie or cardigan over it. I'm starting to realize how ridiculous this was.

Being so uncomfortable with my weight, has cost me so much. I'm starting to realize just how much. Everyone that is over weight tends to wear baggy clothes or things that will cover them up. They will sacrifice their comfort physically, for their comfort emotionally. HUGE HUGE DIFFERENCE HERE. I would go on vacations and out on hot days, sweating my ass off for the sake of covering up my pudge. It makes me really sad when I think back on it now. Isn't it strange how you felt like a whale just a few years ago, then you look back in pictures to only discover you were way smaller than you are today? This is something that has bothered me for years. It's a common frustration I'm sure everyone can relate to. It seems like I always learn these lessons too late. I used to get so angry when I didn't understand things in class, only to move onto the next until and have the "a-ha!" moment...then find out this chapter is WAY harder than the one before. UGH. So frustrating. 

I'm realizing my weight loss more and more these days. The first thing Nikki told me when I picked her up, was that I looked smaller. So exciting! I went to Target the other night and bought myself some new shorts. I had bought myself shorts and dresses last year for my vacation to Punta Cana. Even on a tropical vacation, I had some major body issues. Everyone at the resort had a rockin' body, except for me I felt like. Nothing hit home like the excursion we took to swim with the sharks. We had been out snorkeling for about 30 mins, when a man had pushed me over onto the coral reef on accident. I lifted up my leg in the water and blood was gushing out of my leg. I had been cut from knee to ankle, and needed to be glued shut for sure! They had a little boat come out to get me, just a small row boat with four others on it. There was nothing to push myself up onto the boat with, so there I was. Floating dead in the water while two Dominican men (SMALLER THAN ME mind you) had to hoist my fat ass up onto this row boat. I was HUMILIATED. The people on the boat were nice, but not that nice. When I got back onto the catamaran, I heard them joking about me in Spanish. Little did they know I took six years of it, and my Spanish is still pretty damn good. After this woman patched up my leg, I sat on the upper deck in the sun. I sipped my cocktail, smoked a cigarette and wanted to cry my eyes out. The girls were still out, and I wasn't ready to go swim with the sharks and sting rays yet. It was in that moment, I felt so ashamed. Like I didn't deserve to have such a lavish vacation. 

It was moments like these, that made me so insecure to show any parts of my body. I was ashamed of how I looked, and in all honesty to some degree I still feel that way. I had promised myself back in September when I initiated this weight loss program, that I'd be comfortable by summer to wear summery things. I finally feel like I'm at that point! I got lots of new shorts and shirts, and don't feel conscious at all about wearing them out. Now, a bathing suit is a totally different story! I'm pretty top heavy, so finding a suit with enough support is always a problem. Speaking of which, my spare tire (lower pouch area) has gone down significantly, and my legs are starting to look really good. Getting to the point where how I feel is reflected to how I look, is amazing. I mean it's always been there hello! The first thing you think of when you see someone dressing frumpy and a mess, they're probably not feeling too great. At least that's what I think. You'd have to be in that place to understand. 

I'm gaining confidence in myself on a daily basis, it is slow but surely getting there. Every day I've been given lessons in my life to use. I don't EVER want to feel like I felt on that catamaran. No matter what size I am, I never want to be ashamed because of my outside appearance. It's true. When you're larger, you begin to think that you don't deserve a fulfilled life. You feel inferior because of the way you look. I don't want to be that girl, that people comment on. "She's got such a pretty face..." but what? Not a body to match it? It's incredibly painful, a reality that all people with body image issues face. 

The support from my friends, family and staff at Aviva has made such a positive change for me. Something that I can feel inside shining to the outside. I don't think they'll ever realize what a big deal it is, to just give that iota of encouragement. It's definitely more help and positive energy than some people have. I'm finally feeling happy about myself, inside and out!

Fluctu-whatta?!

Some days, I REALLY hate the scale.

Went to my appointment today, only to find that I gained the three pounds back. WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST! A few months back I had an awful time with my water weight fluctuating. Welp, looks like we meet again you nasty evil little monster! 

I was super bummed out. I'm sure that I'll be able to lose the three pounds by next week, if not more--because hey! I've already been down this road before. Nevertheless, it's totally frustrating. The first time I faced it, I really wanted to give up. Luckily my persistence got the best of me and I stuck with the program. Jim has done really well, and that's just one more person I don't want to let down. Especially since I got him doing the program as well! 

Onto the next challenge of the day...dreaded lemon raspberry shake. So I have big issues with expectations of things. I sniffed the bottle, which I DO NOT RECOMMEND. Whey protein has a very distinct smell to it, and it's not really an appetizing one to say the least. Tami told me to just shake the damn thing up and get over it. I shook it up, and let it sit for a few minutes. Waited, waited then waited until she yelled at me again. First reaction, not so bad. The WEIRD thing about it, the AFTER TASTE IS BETTER than the initial sip. CRAZY RIGHT?!

See what I mean? This freaks me out. Something that taste like this, should NOT look like this. When I think "smoothie", I think frosty frozen blend of deliciousness. It's the whole mind over matter thing I need to get a grip on. That being said, these could totally taste like hot garbage juice and then where would I be?! Probably back on the road leading me to more poor decisions and beating myself up. After all is said and done, I REALLY think it's time that I invest in a blender to take to work. I'd really like to get a Ninja, however I'm positive that someone would jack it there. Actually, I know so! I've had shit taken there from me, that you wouldn't even dream of being even worthy of stealing. At this point, I'm thinking I should just get a Magic Bullet. They already have the little drink cups and I can store and wash it out easily there. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. 


I stuck the lemon raspberry into the freezer so it would get a bit icy. NOPE...not doing that again. Blending is definitely the way to go. Tressa says that it's definitely a taste that you have to get used to. I trust her judgement and know she'd never steer me wrong. I'm just going to have to nerd it up, and experiment with more flavor combos to see what I can come up with!

New shake!

Literal and not literal lol.

I've been feeling pretty good today. Headed back into work with a nice little spring in my step. We got through our schedule pretty quickly, and I was definitely on top of my game. I pack quite a bit of things on my first day back. Mostly supplies for the week. Starting with my little container of vitamins. I have many rituals I do, not enough to classify me as OCD just yet. I usually take my medications in the morning when I get up, hop in the shower, have a little bite to eat (usually fruit) and head off to work. When I get there, I check in of course and take my regiment of vitamins by at least 10:30 and have either a shake or a bar. Works out pretty well actually, and I rather like it that way.

So as you all know, I've been doing the shake thing for a while. I'm starting to look so good, I do a little shake when I walk now too! HA! Not enough for anyone else to notice, but it's there if you look closely. It's a constant reminder to myself that there was a whole lot more JIGGLE there before I melted away! I have to admit, I'm always nervous trying these shakes. Whey protein has a certain type of smell to it, and texture. In my experience, I've learned to DRINK AS SOON AS YOU SHAKE IT UP. If I let the shake sit too long, it gets too thick and I can't do it. Cody raved about the lemon raspberry shake, and I'm super skeptical. So skeptical that I couldn't even bring myself to try it out today! Instead, I went with the coffee flavored one!

First of all, let me apologize for these GIANT gaps between my pictures. I haven't mastered how to put them up next to each other on here. Moving along! I filled up my water to the designated line and shook until I got dizzy. VERDICT: IT WAS GOOD. WAY BETTER than the shakes I was drinking before! I was super surprised. I'm a sucker for anything coffee flavored, and this totally did the trick. I wasn't able to drink the whole thing in one sitting, got busy at work. I stuck it in the freezer to chill it better, and I ended up sipping it through a straw later because of the whole texture thing. Overall, I'm super happy about the flavor and the consistency. ALSO! I don't have to use a blender bottle! It might not be eco friendly, being in these pre-made plastic containers, but I made sure I recycled them after a rinse. There was only 3g of sugar in these, and it didn't have that gross aspartame taste to it. I'm SUPER WORRIED that the lemon raspberry one will. That one doesn't have any sugar in it at all, and it's only 100cals vs. 110 in this shake.

My friend Jane asked me how I was today, and commented that I looked really good. She said every time I come back, she can notice I've been losing. It's really nice to hear that people are noticing. It makes all my efforts that much more worth it, and I know I can push myself further on. Jim sent me a message last night and said he lost close to 20lbs on his first week! I was super thrilled! For some odd reason, I kind of have bad luck recommending things to people. Like places to eat or to go do something, they never seem to like the things I suggest. Well some people don't and others do. I can't tell you how excited and happy I am, that he is really into this program. Luck for him, men lose weight way faster than women. When you're larger, you drop poundage faster as well. Seems like Jim is one of the few, that I've had luck with recommendations. 

The whole point of my blog on here, is to give REAL people just like ME an insight to the process. Specifically if you're going the route of protein shakes, or thinking of seeking a doctor in your area that offers these options. I grew super frustrated in finding ACTUAL TESTIMONIALS on these programs and products. It wouldn't be a blog if I didn't include my crazy personal shenanigans, but you all get the drift. If one person reads this blog and is able to get something out of it, I've done my job as an author. I hope this helps in some shape or form to someone. If it means support in weight loss, or consolation that you're crazy messed up life is not so crazy after all! Comment, ask questions, get a hold of me if you're wanting to know specific details. If not, buckle up and enjoy the twisty slide down the scale with the melting girl!

Spa-la-la!

Judgement Day!

As a reward last week, Dr. Cusimano treated me to a complimentary facial peel. I have to admit, as soon as she said it I got instantly scared. My mom had a really bad chemical peel like ten years ago, and all I remember is her face looking burnt. So bad, that she couldn't leave the house. It was horrific, and made me scared to do anything to my face. I talked to Cody to set up the appointment, and she assured me there was nothing to worry about. I was blessed with really great skin. Everyone always tells me how nice my skin is, and up until now I had no idea what they were talking about. Asian skin is usually super fare. I never really broke out in zits as a teenager and the biggest "problem" I have with my skin are sun spots. The sun spots I'm sure, of a result of being constantly outside when I was a kid. Swimming and playing. Over the years, I've started getting spots all over. They're annoying.

Laura is a newer girl working in the office. Sara is out to have her baby, so she won't be there for a while. I haven't really had time to get to know Laura, because she doesn't take me back for my appointments. She took me back today, to do my facial peel for me. I still was nervous about doing the whole thing, and asked her if she ever had one done. She tans, so she's not eligible to have it done. Laura was super nice during the whole thing and talked to me while she applied the Glytone. She had me put on a hairband and gave me little tanning goggles. The Glytone mixture is brushed on gently, and then it sits for a few minutes on the face. During this time, you're supposed to feel like a tingling sensation. My skin, is kind of weird. I would consider it oily, but in the morning after my shower--it is dry like the freaking Sahara. I always make sure I put on moisturizer everyday. I've been using the brand NOEVIR since I was like ten years old. It's pricey, but hey! Look at my skin and tell me it doesn't WORK! 

My face began to sting a bit, especially around my cheeks. My cheeks are like the driest part of my face, after I get out of the shower. It didn't surprise me at all that they stung. Laura monitored my face, and started applying a neutralizer. The neutralizer of course, stabilizes the acid peel and feels really nice! It's almost like the sensation of putting on aloe after a bad sunburn. It was kind of gross at the same time though, because I could hear like crackling and like sizzling. I KNOW SUPER GROSS, but I am a dedicated author and pride myself on delivering the details that you won't find anywhere else! She put the neutralizer on multiple times and then we were all done! The first few applications of the neutralizer did sting a bit more, after it was completely fine. She had me wash my face with a cleanser and apply SPF lotion. My post peel instructions were of course to stay out of the sun, and not to like harshly scrub my face when I wash it.

My cheeks were a bit pink, but nothing serious. Over all, I totally will do it again. My skin already feels softer and smoother. The pinkness on my face, would look similar to spending my lunch break outside in the sunshine. Like I said, the stinging completely stopped after the neutralizer was applied. Super excited! She also said that it would help with my pigmentation aka my sun spots! I've been using that damn Clinique Dark Spot Corrector, and it hasn't helped at all. I'm seriously considering laser treatment.

I went back to the waiting room to chill out before Cody brought me back to weigh in. I'm happy to report, that I lost the weight I gained back last week! I'm back down to 182lbs and I'm feeling really great about everything. We did the Lipotonix shot today as usual, and I picked up some new things on my way out. Dr. Cusimano has been getting new products in the office, and they look really awesome. I noticed a couple weeks ago, she had these bottles that had mix already in them. Like a water bottle with stuff at the bottom, instead of dumping a packet into the blender bottle. Protein shakes on the go! Cody said she usually drinks the mango flavored ones, and she loves them. The real show stopper was the lemon raspberry shakes. I heard a fellow weight loss diva raving about them to Laura at the desk. I got really excited and decided to try them out. They cost the same as the shake packets, $14 per package. You get six bottles and they're completely perfect for what I need. I got the lemon raspberry shakes, and the cafe latte flavored ones. I'll report back as soon as I try them out! SUPER EXCITED!

Today was a really great day! I've been so fortunate and thankful for Dr. Cusimano and her staff. I feel like I'm at home there, and I'm comfortable with everyone. This program has literally changed almost everything about my life, and I can't wait to continue on! Tomorrow will be a super duper shmooper day! Hien and Whitney are coming home for the weekend! Hien and are taking my parents out to dinner at a local place, Remlik's. Nikki and the girls ate there a few weeks ago and said it was delish. I really wanted to go to Moxie's, but the reservation times didn't work out for us. No worries, Hien and I actually really wanted oysters! We're totally in luck because Remlik's happens to be an oyster bar! WOOOOO-HOOOO! I can't wait to spend some quality time with my family this weekend! :)

Blinded by the light!

And so the day came, when the sun was more than she could bear!

A few weeks ago, I posted about my mild episode of um..well RAGE DISORDER when I pulled a Brittney Spears and attacked my car. Not with an umbrella, with my hands! The casing around my sun visor was broke, and it was hanging there completely limp...in my field of view. I did what any other person would do. Exhausted all my options, before I 86'd the bitch.

I have these crazy obsessions with watching TV online. We have super basic cable at home, and of course Netflix. No one is ever really home enough to get cable, so we just live without it. Dad is glued to his computer, Mom chills out in her room with her Wii and,  me on mine. I was browsing around to look for a new show to watch. Project Runway, and Top Chef over, so I opted for America's Next Top Model. Totally stayed up entirely too late, and ended up going to bed around 4am! Ooops. 

The morning came super fast, and I was off to get my car fixed! Thank you Jesus! It's kind of sad, because they all know me on a first name basis there. HEY! I mean, it's not my fault I have all these problems! Most of the time people, or BIRDS hit me! Rick took my car in for me, while I headed to the waiting room...full of the senior citizens. LOL. The Price is Right was on, and I seriously have never seen people so excited. I mean, the waiting room was PACKED. These people were going bananas! When I walked in, it sounded like people watching a damn Knick's game in there! It was super funny to watch all of them, and I admit hell yeah I'm a fan of the show! When we were kids, my sister, Whitney and I would watch it and see how close we came to estimating our bids. No doubt we were super close, we're super brilliant didn't you all know that?! 

It only took about a half hour for them to put the visor back on, and then I was off to enjoy the day! I've been a little worried about my weigh in this week, my scales have been off again. Total shocker right?! We'll see...

PHHHEWWW!

I'm sooooo sorry to all my readers out there...

Assuming that there are readers! I see my page visit meter go up, every time I log on! Thanks for taking interest in my not so average life! All apologies for not posting as religiously as I should! This week has wiped me out completely, and I've been hitting the hay early every night!

Tuesday was nothing too stupendous. I spent it most of the day with restless leg syndrome at work, counting down the hours until freedom! They announced who got positions at the new facility, and it's only a matter of time before things change around. There's no point in going over scenarios in my head on where my fate lies, it's better to go with the current. Basically at this point, the only thing I'm worried about, is attending Han's wedding. I covered my ass when taking time off, and I'm praying that nothing will change too much. My glorious 7/7 shift that I LOVE SO MUCH, has potential in being dismantled. There goes the neighborhood.

The speculation and constant conversation about this crap from work, is more than I can deal with. I'm really good and tuning people out, so that's exactly what I did. I did my usual protein bar for lunch and took care of a few things. They switched around Jim's hours at work, so I was able to meet up with him. We've been texting back and forth about the program. He recently started this week on her program, and got some of his supplies. I'm super excited for him and glad that I can be there to support him. The program is expensive, and a definite commitment. I had some extra protein shakes that I wanted to share with him to try. She started him on the original shakes I started with. The thicker, grittier ones. They have 35g of protein in them, 250 cal--so they're really used to depend on as meal replacements.

The extra shake packets I had, are 100 cals and they're a lot better tasting! LOL. Anyway, I was glad to be there and help out a friend. Even better--I was glad to get the French toast out of work! BOOO-YAH!

Being sick working to my advantage?

Pretty sure, I'm delusional!

I went into work on Sunday, feeling horrible. All morning I had to run into the back just to keep my dry heaves to myself. It has been awful. Seriously wouldn't want to wish this crap on anyone! I've been doing my best to behave my eating habits, but it's been difficult. The weekends are always hard, because we usually order our food out. On Sunday, we ordered from an Italian place. I ended up getting a half order of stuffed shells, which included three of them. I couldn't even finish one. I was way to nauseous to eat, and I couldn't stomach anything more than a few bites.

So after not having an appetite, you'd think I'd be losing weight? I haven't lose an iota of this water weight. I'm seriously hoping that I'm down at least two pounds, even though I was striving to lose five. I'm not really sure what's been going on with me. I've been waking up multiple times throughout the night, either dry heaving or running to the bathroom. I'm starting to wonder if I do indeed have some kind of a bug. Anyway, this sickness is not contributing to any amount of sleep for me at all! Thank God I have NO plans on Wednesday, so I can sleep in as late as I want. I'm guessing I'll probably sleep in like a teenager. 

I called the body shop this week to check on my sun visor. They didn't call me like they were supposed to, come to find that it's on back order. It's supposed to arrive this week, and I've been anxious to get it. The sun is out, and you don't realize how much you need it until you go without it! My Bans aren't cutting it anymore, and the fact I drive a five speed doesn't help either. Can't block out the sun, shift and have hands on the wheel at the same time! GAH! 

No worries, in a few more days I'll be off and things will turn around for my week off. I hope!

Treat yourself!

Aviva weigh in today!

Today started out pretty crappy to tell you the truth. Usually my Metformin doesn't make me sick in the morning, but today it did. If this is any indication of morning sickness while pregnant, I will consider being a nun for the rest of my life. I take my medications in the morning, usually with fruit and some kind of protein. Most of the time it's a nibble or two on a protein bar. By the time I got out of the shower, I was already dry heaving. So bad, that I had to try and stop myself or my breakfast would have came up. 

Dry heaved all the way to the office, ew. I checked in promptly and Cody took me back for a weigh in. Rats ass. I gained 2lbs back. No big deal, I'm positive it's water weight. I've been feeling so freaking bloated the past few days, it isn't funny. You know that feeling like you have to go pee and your bladder is full? Yup, that's me--only after peeing it doesn't go away. If I have another UTI I am going to SCREAM. Cody took my blood pressure and it was significantly lower today. Probably from not sleeping well and feeling like death! Dr. Cusimano came in and she went over my chart. She was happy to see that I had lost weight, and gave me a pep talk about rewards! Because I met my first two goals, she scheduled me for a facial and a facial peel!

Eee gad! When she said facial peel, I kind of panicked. My mother had a chemical peel before, and it looked like her face had second degree burns. It looked super painful and not worth it! I cannot tell you how luck I am, to have a Eustachian in the family! Of course I text Han right away to see what her thoughts were. The office uses a product called Glytone, which I'm sure contains glycolic acid. Han assured me it is not harmful to the face, and she would total stop me from doing anything bad to my skin! After all, I'm all about trying new things these days! You can't ever tell with me! :)

Dr. Cusimano was excited about my MK bag! She said that's exactly how rewards should be. Objects to have, not to ingest! I'm pretty happy with the way things turned out today, except for being sick cranky pants at work this morning. I think that's something my co-workers can forgive. Everyone has their days! Hoping the rest of the week will fly by! The sooner it goes, the sooner I get to see Hien and Whitney for the weekend! HOOOORRRAYY!

Da-na-na-na-na-na!

Today is your birthday!

My dad sang that on the phone to me today, to wish me a happy birthday! That's one of the best things about my actual birthday, my parents always call me and sing to me. It's a nice tradition that they make sure they do! 

Unfortunately, I had to go back to work today. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday, until lunch time it slipped out. A few close friends gave hugs and whispered birthday wishes to me, which was super sweet. During lunch, I was joking around with some people and told them to shove over and make room so I could sit. Jokingly they said "who do you think you are?!", my reply was "the MF'n birthday girl, that's who!"

AHHH HAHA! I love it! Today was a pretty ordinary day at work, I skated out of actually working hard. I figure I'd take a load off, because hey! It is my birthday and I deserve it! Too bad we weren't that busy today! I logged onto my Facebook before I got home, and was overwhelmed with how many people wished me a happy birthday! I have over 600 friends, and sure Facebook TELLS you when it's someone's birthday--but how many people just ignore it? I have a serious thing about wishing EVERYONE, ALL OF MY FRIENDS a happy birthday on Facebook. I never miss a single person, unless they don't list it. By the time I got home, I had over 140 birthday wishes from people! It was such a nice way to end the day! Especially because I had to spend it at work, and not being able to go play! LOL

Tomorrow I have my appointment with Dr. Cusimano. I'm scared to go. I don't think I've lost any weight this past week, and I'm scared that scale is going to say more than it did last time. We'll have to wait and find out for sure. With Easter and my birthday, I've been pretty darn good behaving myself! GAH! Wish me luck!

26 will be way better than 25. I can feel it in my bones. I've made such huge strides in my life, in as short as six months. I can't wait to be able to hit goal fully, and live all of the lives I've been meaning to all these years! Much love to all of my readers, friends and supporters. You all keep my going and on track. When I look at my page meter, and notice it has gone up--it makes me keep blogging and going further. I hope that I can inspire someone out there, with my story!

Happy Easter!

Easter Sunday!

I slept in of course! My family doesn't do much for Easter. Dad's swing shift just changed, and he had to work night shift all this weekend. He was tired, so when he got home we didn't do much. Mom made a ham for Easter, my favorite! I discovered a few years ago that I am not a big fan of turkey anymore. I can eat it like deli style, but carved turkey makes me really sick. Maybe I'm starting to pull away from poultry all together? Chicken is super over done, I feel like we have chicken all the time. Ham is what my mom makes me for the holidays. Everyone else loves turkey, but ahh the youngest rug rat of the house just happens to be difficult lol. Everyone else eats it too, so I'm really not feeling too bad about it.

Tony's mom invited me over for Easter dinner. She planned on making a leg of lamb, and some other fixings. I got down there and started making deviled eggs to contribute to dinner. Poppy was no where to be found. I thought he would have already been there before me. Robin and Kara said he was on his way to North Carolina, for a new client meeting. No worries, we still would do dinner. We actually went over to Uncle Bob's place for dinner, and skipped making the lamb. Bob made us lasagna with salad and garlic bread. It was really good, and although I didn't eat too much I was full. After a while your body changes after dieting, and you start finally correlating being full and stopping the spoon shoveling into your mouth. I feel loads better, now that I've come to understand by body a lot better.

The rest of the day, I just relaxed and did nothing. I caught up on some of my shows, and watched Netflix most of the night. It was a nice and easy ending to such a fun weekend! 

Fancy Friday

Friday was nothing short of extraordinary!

MV was coming home for the weekend, so we decided to take a little shopping excursion to Syracuse for the day. We met Jax in Scaryville and then I drove the girls up. Jacki lives in a weird part of town. It's not scary during the day obviously, but let's just say I wouldn't be walking in her neighborhood at night! We laughed and caught up most of the ride there. This weekend we were celebrating birthdays! April is always a tight month for birthdays, and I've been lucky enough to share it with friends. Saturday was Ashley's birthday, Laura and Pat's are on Monday, Mark's is on Tuesday, and mine and Kristen's are on Wednesday. The list literally goes on and on.

We got to the mall, and it was a lot of fun! We had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays first, we were all starving! Luckily none of us over ate at all, or we'd be in trouble in the dressing rooms. Although there wasn't anything special clothing wise, we all splurged a bit on accessories. I've lost 27lbs so far, and I'm super close to losing 30. Every 10lbs I lose, I get to reward myself. The first 10lbs I lost, I bought myself a Toy Watch. I was super excited about it. Watches are really great trendy accessories, especially when you don't accessorize too much. The new Michael Kors store had just opened up, and I was in some serious luck. Anyone that knows me, knows I love Michael Kors. I'm obsessed with watching Project Runway and love his designs and sense of fashion for women. 

Marissa and Jacki in front of the store

The store of course was small, but super clean and chic. They did carry some clothing, but nothing really that great. His website of course, has so many better things to choose from. Either way, we walked in and were instantly overwhelmed. There was so much to look at. His bags in particular are a special favorite of mine. He has such a good sense of design and functionality for the modern girl. I went over to look at the totes they carried, and discovered that they didn't have enough pockets for me. I was cruising around to find a new bag, but if I was planning on dropping that kind of money I had to be sure. The totes came in all sizes and styles. Rhonda got me this Harry Potter tote for Christmas I carry everyday with me to work. It's perfect. I have a Gianni Berinni bag for my everyday purse, so I just toss it in the tote with all the rest of my stuff. The only time I'd probably use a tote, is when I'm traveling so that idea was out. We cruised around some more. While Jacki and Marissa were finding exactly what they wanted, I was stuck in a rut. I'm super picky about buying big purchases. I usually research them way ahead of time, and I was flying by the seat of my pants on this one. Marissa found me a really nice bag. Although it had gold on it, I liked the style and the shape of it. I wear mostly black leather bags, they mostly match everything. I don't wear a lot of browns, so I didn't see the point in getting the white or brown one.

I kept picking it up and putting it back down. Then I would scurry all over the store to find more bags that I liked. Poor Marissa and Jacki were probably like sick of me in the store. I kept himming and hawing about which bag to get! Jacki made a good point. She works super hard for her money and feels no guilt about spending on herself. I ALWAYS buy for other people. I don't know why. I like spending on others, because the stuff I get is not necessarily what I would get for myself...thus making it a fun experience for me! The sales girl Brittney that was there, was the last convincing person that suggested I get it. They have a lot of merch movement in the store, and she assured me they'd be getting more in.  However, the bag was just my size, and my style. Looking back on it now, I'm not sure if I'd really prefer if it had silver accents instead of gold. It seems to work either way!

So do I feel guilty about spending $300 on a bag? NO! It was incredibly invigorating to spend that much on myself. For Christmas my sister helped me buy a $300 Michael Kors watch. I finally figured that if I spent that much on a watch, I could spend it on a purse. I would get way more use out of the purse, than I have gotten with the watch. Don't get me wrong, I totally love it. The bag for me is a big milestone. I'm treating myself with an accomplishment that is way more valuable than a $300 purse. It's changing my life. I'm starting to transform in the person that I finally feel like I am. It's starting to show on the outside more now, than just hiding in me all this time! 

Happy 20/30lbs loss and early birthday to myself!