Hump day!

I love sleeping in.

Yay! I feel fully rested and ready to go! Today I went to my appointment as usual. Stocked up on some more protein bars and all that good stuff. The protein bars are super good, actually only select ones are to my liking but for the most part tolerable. I made the mistake of buying "graham cracker" tasting ones. Yep, didn't taste anything like them. The strawberry cheesecake ones aren't bad, but they are a bit too sweet for me. I'm sticking to my PBJ and cinnamon toast crunchies. 

I got to meet up with Dianna today for a visit. I was so happy to see her! I feel like I haven't in a year! This week working was really hard without her. Not hard, but not fun I should say. Marissa was feeling better, so today we decided to venture out. Made our usual shopping trip to Target. We spent like over an hour there, catching up and browsing. We headed to the mall after. I hardly go to our local mall, because the stores aren't that great. Besides Macy's, Pac Sun and Express I really don't shop anywhere else. I went over to Macy's and picked up some Clinique even better dark spot corrector. I have had sun spots popping up on my face for the past couple of years, and I want to try to lighten them or get rid of them.

Clinique Even Better Dark Spot Corrector

I'm not desperate enough to have them lasered off, but they're just something on my face that I don't like. I doubt anyone else would even care, but they're not me. We all have things about ourselves we don't like, thus we try to change them. I'm all for trying to see if this product works! The woman at the counter told me that it's not a miracle worker, but with consistent use it has been proven to lighten them by 58%. I'm very appreciative that she was honest, I researched the hell out of it before I made my purchase and most consumers said the same thing. It's something that takes a few weeks to see progress. I'm going to take pictures and post them for progress comparison.

I research everything. I like to know the ins and outs of anything I'm spending time or money on. When I chose to enroll with Dr. Cusimano's program you bet I spent months researching. The advantage to her was that I actually spoke to people who had done the program. Sometimes online it's hard. I never know if these are actually real testimonials or just the company bullshitting. Very sketchy.

I've also been looking into getting my teeth whitened. I really love my dentist office, they have me on this whitening for life program. I had the molds  made for my teeth and they give me gel each time I go in for a cleaning. What I'm REALLY looking for, is a dentist that will do in office whitening. The trays do work, but I'm just really super impatient. I want instant gratification damn it--I'm an American after all hello! No luck in that department, so I just opted to try the Crest White Strips again. Hopefully between that and my gel it'll get the job done.

Some of you may be thinking I'm spending too much on my appearance. I disagree. Don't we all buy things for ourselves to improve our appearance or the way we feel? I'm guilty of impulse buying, but for the most part I think for a long time about what I want. Like I said before, I don't see a point in spending money on clothes right now---so I'm opting to spend on other things. Other things that are practical, and don't involve bad food! 

Cyber Monday...

and Tuesday, Wednesday, cyber shopping all the time!

I know, I know. I haven't posted in a few days! This week has seriously been the PITS. My rotation crew at work, are known for being shit magnets. I've been so extremely exhausted, I've been stammering, reading things wrong and avoid sitting down (in fear I'd fall asleep!). So glad tonight was my last night!

So this Cyber Monday thing, what an invention! I was skeptical at first, just because I wasn't sure of how good the deals could really be. I seriously don't do enough for myself. I like to go out and buy gifts for everyone else year round, buy rarely ever spend money on myself. Welp Cyber Monday certainly helped me through that!

Toy Watch Plasteramic Crystal in White

Say hello to my new bling. I've been eyeing Toy Watch for months now. They are expensive, but fun and high quality. They had a 50% sale on select watches, and I picked up with beauty for myself! And NO, I don't feel guilty about it. I'd really LOVE to buy some new clothes, but I refuse to. I'm still losing weight and I don't want to spend money on clothes, just to keep getting new sizes. But a watch on the other hand, ahhh a watch. It's an accessory that can be adjusted to fit. I got some other things done as well. Bought Hien's Christmas gift, and my dad's. Our family is a little strange. We don't really surprise each other anymore with gifts. I just ask them what they want and go from there. Needless to say, I'm not minding buying my gifts through the web. One gift for them, one for me, another for them, maybe this for me. HA! I had to stop myself last night!

I weigh in tomorrow! I'm a little bit anxious but I am confident that it will go well. I didn't splurge at all during Thanksgiving. I'm not a real big turkey person, and I wasn't home much to eat. A commercial for The Biggest Loser came on today. It's really inspiring watching these people lose weight, but what isn't is seeing them put it back on. I mean as far as the self sabotage thing goes, I really think I may be getting over it. I'm investing lots of time and WORK into losing it...why would I just go and put it all back on?! Seems like a simple solution to me:

Don't put it back on!

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Turn and face the strain!

25 seems to be the going age where everything starts to change, like big time. At least I'm noticing it more with myself and friends. Everyone I know is going through some kind of major change in their life, whether it be making different choices, giving up things, starting things, like super big changes. I'm noticing more and more as the years go by, people begin to become introverted. Keeping things to themselves, being private. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but sometimes a friend would like to know what's up.

A few years back I disappeared. I cut my friends off, didn't tell anyone anything and tried to make the best of what I was going through. To this day, only a handful of people know the extent of how devastated I really was; A state I wouldn't want anyone to see me in. There's no need for me to get into the details now, but I just wanted to get across that I understand the need to wear a "mask". I'm not the type of person that leads on I'm upset or hurting--but you can definitely tell when I'm mad lol. Braving that phase of my life, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I have no regrets choosing to do it alone, whether or not others disagreed with me.

There are too many of us in the world, to not rely on each other. There should be no reason to feel alone, but we all do. I'm just putting it out there for all to know, there's nothing you can't come to me with. Whether it be to vent, for advice, for help or just for the sake of needing to have fun. Being a good friend is not about the times when it's convenient...it's about being there for each other when it's not.

Did I mention...

that this was my FIFTH Thanksgiving in a row?

The price you pay having a full time job. I truly am thankful that I have a job, so many others today don't. I was fortunate enough to get hired at a local hospital right out of school--a luxury that many of the students don't have today. Even though I did technically choose my shift, it has it's ups and downs. I was very thankful today to be working with an excellent crew on shift...minus "the hurricane" (one of the better known resident's and not because they're spectacular!).

I went out last night for some pre Thanksgiving fun with Nikki and friends. It was pretty much a low key night, I didn't even go home to change. Whatever, the bar we go to isn't like especially nice or anything. And besides, they've seen me in my scrubs before. My good friends were there and my sister met me after so that's all that mattered.  I'm beginning to notice more and more value of having good people in your life. My besties are friends that I've been close with since High School. You may all think it's cliche, but it really isn't. These people have stuck by me through thick and thin, such relationships should be cherished. Just upsets me that others do things to destroy it, and to spite. Makes no sense. Oh well, not going to dwell on those people. 

This morning I got up and could barely open my eyes. My mom screamed out loud as soon as she saw me, "HAPPY THANKSGIVING!". I was still rubbing my eyes when this happened, so she thought I was crying because she scared me. Yeah right mom, everyone knows I'm the stealth ninja champion of scaring people. No, seriously. I used to hide behind the washing machine, around the corner at the top of the stairs and lunge out to scare my victims. Not the brightest idea for the top of the stairs, but no one ever got hurt lol. Just might have peed a bit.   I wanted to pack a plate, the hospital offers a free lunch but it isn't very good. Not like home at least. We do this thing at our house. For most all occasions we set out what I call "the ghost plates" 

What are "ghost plates" you ask? In Buddhist culture (which my parents are) we pay respect and give thanks to our loved ones that have passed---by fixing small plates of food, setting them in front of our "altar" and saying a prayer. Welp, I had 7 minutes before I had to leave and asked my mom if I could make a plate to pack. I started trying to carve some of the ham when she jumped all over me and took over, kicked me out of the kitchen and told me she'd make me one. She had me go grab her some extra plates so she could fix the ghost plates. All I wanted was a little ham, corn, and other veggies. I came back into the kitchen to find she was taking her sweet time doing up the ghost plates--hadn't even put anything together for me--HER VERY MUCH ALIVE CHILD THAT WAS LATE FOR WORK! Not that I'm knocking on paying your respects but I was in a hurry! I told her never mind, that I'd just eat at work because I had to leave and she freaked. I didn't say it rude or anything, but she pounced all over me like liger! UGH. Can't win.


Work wasn't any better. I'm not going to lie, I was a sour puss most of the day--but that doesn't mean I'm not thankful. I could be a sour puss at home without a good family, without friends to share things with,  without a job to keep me occupied and without a pay check...so I think I'm in pretty good shape!

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving was great!

Dig deep...

But where do I start?

Although my blog is primarily about my weight, it is also about my life, and how I feel about things. It is amazingly therapeutic, writing in general. In a previous entry I had mentioned about self sabotage, and I found great comfort knowing I wasn't alone. Consider this entry can one of the shelf of worms that need to be opened.

A big part of my life has always been revolved around the way I look. I never used to be this big. Remember that high school feeling? You know, when you felt like an elephant? And then you look at pictures from high school and realize you looked good, a lot better than you do now?! That's how I feel all the time. Regret. I was raised in a very loving household, fortunate to have both parents AND a set of very loving grandparents. What's the problem you ask? Trying to win over the love of my mother. It sounds terrible. So terrible that I really didn't want to write about it at all. What would my family and friends think of me, if I wrote poor words about my mom? I have more issues than Vogue with her, and I'm ready to open up that can of worms. It's been long over due.

*

Ever since I can remember she has always made a big deal about our weight. When I was little I had severe issues with my health. I remember being in and out of the hospital for crazy fevers, malnutrition, and excruciating fever blisters. It wasn't her fault I was technically malnourished, I was a willful child who flat out REFUSED TO EAT. Ask anyone in my family. They will tell you horror stories about my hospital visits. I remember most of it too; I really wasn't hungry. And when you're not hungry, you don't eat. I spent most of my younger childhood weighing 55-60lbs up until about the fifth grade. Even then my family members would poke fun at me for being a lanky little thing. Everyone except my grandparents who recognized there was a serious problem with me. 


In grade school, my sister was picked on the most by our family. She wasn't by any stretch fat; compared to me everyone looked well fed, because they were. One thing you should know about my mom, is that she has this annoying tendency to repeat herself several times, until you're almost positive that you will spontaneously combust---and be nothing but a char mark on the couch. Do you see where I'm going with this? It's not enough that the words passing through her lips are excrutiatingly painful, she has to repeat them over and over again--beating you into complete and utter submission, where you have nothing else left but to believe what she says is the truth. Eventually Hien thinned out, and when I began to pack on pounds she came after me.


It doesn't matter how old you are, pain is pain. Whoever told me that "sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can never hurt me" is a lying bastard. I'd rather suffer through broken bones. Your parents are supposed to love you, no matter what. When they say hurtful things to you, how else are you supposed to respond? Anyone's natural response or feeling is that you are unworthy of their love, because you can't please them or make them proud--that something must be wrong with you. On any given day, do you know how many times my mother tells me I need to lose weight? I mean this in no exaggeration, it happens at least 2x every hour I'm around her. It only stops when I'm sleeping. Even when I'm away on a holiday or working she calls me to remind me not to eat junk and I'd be so much prettier if I'd lose weight. Then she could buy me all these nice clothes and make me beautiful so a nice rich man would notice me, marry me, and in return pay to take care of my mother whom I love so much. GAG ME.


Like there's nothing else to me but this blob of adipose living in the world. That all of my hard work at school has made me a young successful woman. That I sustain enough money to completely support myself, and even look ahead to my future. That I'm smart enough to make really responsible decisions, that I survived my teenage years without be arrested, getting pregnant, or spin out of  control. None of it matters, because I'm FAT and therefore casted off into the pile where  unloved things deserve to belong.


Okay fine. So maybe I'm not giving her enough room to defend herself. In my mother's defense, she grew up in a very different culture. She grew up as a poor country girl in Vietnam where their only way out of poverty I'm sure, was to be as beautiful as they could be and marry rich. Well mom, I'm sorry but you raised an American kid. It is extremely rewarding and unbearable at the same time to be first generation. The pressure is astounding. Pressure to keep traditions of your heritage alive and still incorporate the new ones. She never had a very pleasant mother I've been told also, but for me that's all the reason more to show your kids you love them. In some twisted way, my mom really does believe her actions and words are out of love. This is something that I will probably spend a good portion of my life trying to understand, and I just can't.


The root of my self sabotage lies within myself. Fears that I have about what will happen. Is it easier remaining the girl who "could have been so much, but only if she had lost more weight and took care of herself better"? To be quite honest, probably. Because at least then, all my mom would care about is my weight--the literal physical shield of blubber that would keep her from penetrating into my soul, where more important things lie.

But this isn't the path I chose for myself this time around.

I'm going to have to face this phase of my life alone. No one else can help me. I need to be okay with knowing my self worth. How valuable, how happy and how much love I deserve. It's not going to be easy by any stretch, but I refuse to just try--I will do. I do love my mom, very much so and unconditionally. I don't have to understand why she acts the way she does, all I understand right now--is that my mom is a person. An actual PERSON. Meaning she's no super hero or the be all to end all. That your parents are human, who are just like you, who make mistakes and are trying to make sense of things just as desperately as you are. I don't hate her by any means, because now I have the strength and ability to change the way I feel about myself.

Lazy Sunday

I haven't gotten out of my jammies all day!

It's days like these I feel like I have no life lol...and I kind of like it. I'm always on the go, all the time. Whether it's running errands, travelling, work I'm hardly home. I love to sleep in. I stay up late on my weeks off, and really enjoy sleeping in the next day. Some days, I like it so much that I choose to be a sloth on the couch!

Ha! Not that I don't like travelling, it's just that it takes a serious toll on my sleeping patterns. I've been travelling by plane lately, which means I take a bus to NYC to catch a flight out of JFK. I hate the bus, more than probably anyone else does. I get motion sickness, very rarely do I ever throw up but I do get nauseous the entire way. Anyway, it definitely cuts into my travel time. Not only do I hate taking the bus, I hate lugging around bags in the city. Seriously makes me glad I live in the burbs.

My Aunt Mandi drove up from the city today to visit over night. My mom loves Macy's, and when Aunt Mandi comes into town--they shop all day. I've had a nice quiet day at home, curled up on the couch with my Netflix. Hope everyone out there had a nice weekend!

SUSHI

How I've missed you!

Tonight was sushi night with my working peeps. I haven't had sushi in so long, actually I don't think I've had it since I went to LA in June! There should really be a law against that! It was so much fun! Most of the people that came, work at the sister hospital across the river. It was really nice to catch up with everyone, and eat some really awesome food. I'm allowed to have fish, something that I was super excited about. Amy and Will said that I looked good, which made me feel better. I don't get to see Amy very often but I'm glad that she mentioned it, hopefully I looked a little slimmer. My mom also said I looked smaller today, which is a big deal because she never compliments my size.


I have this really weird like compulsive hiccup I guess you could call it. It seems like every time someone says I look like I'm smaller, BAM I gain weight back. Must be some kind of self fulfilling prophecy I have about failing. It really bites though. My sister must think I'm crazy. Every time I see her, I always demand she tell me the truth about if I look smaller or bigger--and she does. One of my besties Robb tells me like it is also. It's not that I don't trust other people, it's just that I know some will tell me the God's honest truth. Hurt my feelings or not.

I've decided that I need to quit the big "F" word...FRUSTRATION. I weighed in on Friday and was horrified that I had only lost another measly pound. I worked my arse off at the gym and followed my diet diligently. You win some you lose some I guess...but for the record I'd rather be losing! I picked up more hot cocoa mix, I'm in love with it. As long as I keep aiming to lose, I think I will succeed. 

After my appointment and blood work, which went really well, I went to see Breaking Dawn. I am NOT a TWITARD, I'm a Harry Potter kind of girl. The movie dragged just like the books. Lots of the Twilight fans raved about it, but the only enjoyable thing about going to the movies was the popcorn. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy the movies somewhat, but I feel like they could definitely be executed better. For now, I think I'll stick to True Blood--at least those vamps have some kind of resemblance to Anne Rice's!

Thanksgiving is coming up, and alas I'll be working again. This is my fifth Thanksgiving and my fourth Christmas I'll be working. I'm not too worried about it. I won't be at home picking at food all day, rather I'll be sipping my hot cocoa staying away from the awful Thanksgiving dinner smell from the cafeteria. Their turkey comes out with parchment sheets between the meat...ew. 

Cross your fingers for me everyone,

next appointment I'd like to be at 195.

Pondered as I wandered

You guessed it...

I was at Target today! I went on a mini excursion to entertain myself today while printing up a batch of pictures. Target is opening at 12am Black Friday! Can you believe it?! I can't! I've never been much of a Black Friday shopper, I've worked more than my fair share and it is a zoo. Last year I went to Macy's with my mom, Hien and Whitney. It was bananas. Not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but never the less lots of fun. What bites about my shift, is that my calendar weeks happen to land on four out of the six recognized holidays. UGH. Meaning this will be my fifth Thanksgiving, and my fourth Christmas working. It's really not so bad I guess, I usually lounge around like a slug anyway!

So my main goal today was to buy Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to complete my collection. While I zipped around the store while my pictures printed, I wandered aimlessly into the appliances isle. I LOVE ICED TEA. Always have, but was it really worth buying an iced tea maker? Mmm, probably not. Instead I found instant cold brew tea bags, which are perfect. I do like my tea lemon flavored, so I bought some Celestial Lemon Zinger to go with it. Yum, drinking it right now actually. No added sugars either! Behaving for a change!

Tomorrow I'm getting up to get some appointments done. First stop, blood work. Now last time I got my blood drawn they tried to KILL me if you all remember correctly. If not--for your viewing pleasure:

Notice that my arm isn't in the supine position. That's right people, they drew from THE SIDE of my arm. As a seasoned needle stick certified tech, I knew as soon as he put the needle in my arm---it went through my vein. Thanks again! I have deep veins, but most are usually able to draw. Hopefully tomorrow morning will go smoothly.

I weigh in at the office tomorrow. Hoping to have lost as much weight as I can. Shooting for 5lbs, but you never know. As long as I'm below the 200 mark I'll be good. So tired of gaining the weight, back and forth back and forth. SUCKS! 

After tomorrow I am braving it out and going to the movie theater to see Breaking Dawn. Yes, that's correct. I will be standing among herds of teenie boppers coming out strong. Hopefully NOT! I'm going with friends from work to the 1:50pm showing. So hopefully all I'll have to worry about is college students. Oh well, bought my tickets through Fandango this week so I'm set to go! 

Keep me in your prayers...

between the blood draw, weigh in and fighting crazed Twi-tards (bah haha)

I may not come back alive!

TGIT!

Rebecca Black, you have to be one of the most annoying rising stars out there BUT--

I'm convinced your song Friday was made for my shift!

TGIT! Happy "Friday" to all my 7/7 peeps! I cannot even tell you all how GLAD I am it's over! This week was really bad; between some major speed bumps in the road, two really great techs I work with are leaving. Dianna's last night was tonight, so sad. I don't think it has really hit me yet, I'm sure it will once I go back next week and she's not there. Another good friend of mine Lynn is retiring. She came to work with us a few months ago and she has to be one of the nicest people I know. She's super encouraging and has been such a pleasure to work with. I'm really going to miss them both. I'm excited and exceptionally jealous of both of them, but one day the time will come for me as well.

I love GRAPE FRUIT! I go into these spurts with fruits. Sometimes I can't get enough of pineapple, or strawberries, raspberries you name it! This week it's grape fruit. I love grape fruit in the morning for breakfast. It reminds me of my grandma. Every so often instead of cereal she'd bring out half a grape fruit for me to eat. Maybe it was eating it out of a bowl, or slurping the juice out of the spoon but it was special to me. Just recently I started eating white grape fruits--by peeling the rind off like an orange. Yum! I love it! Needless to say, upon waking up from SLEEPING IN tomorrow I'm excited for my breakfast waiting for me! 

Ahhh sleeping in! Can you think of anything better? I can't! I think everyone who works long shifts can agree that it's so nice to feel refreshed. Just don't sleep in too long, or else you'll be tired for the rest of the day!

Overall, my work week ended nicely. I'm going to get blood work done probably on Friday or so. I need it for my appointment with Dr. Cusimano next week. Cross your fingers and pray for me people, this melty girl does not want to go to get scoped!

........and I'm spent!

EXHAUSTION.

I was so tired last night I didn't get around to posting. This week seriously has been the pits. This cold is still here, although it hasn't been so bad lately. I am so sleeping in on Wednesday! My hot cocoa experiment was a disaster...

Remember when I said I was going to attempt to mix up my regular shake pack as a hot beverage. DEAL BREAKER! No way in any shape or form should anyone ever try to mix up something like that! It was disgusting, repulsive, inedible. It all clumped together and every time I sipped, I'd get a chunk of goo. Gross. We'll keep those shake packets cold, and leave the hotness to the hot cocoa.

I'm definitely going to get more cocoa mix. I really like it! It's the best out of anything I've had so far, and it keeps me full! The mint hot cocoa is great, but they also have raspberry flavored too. I'm not usually a fan of anything hot with raspberries in it, so we'll see. Like I said, I'm hoping to lose 5lbs this week. It shouldn't be a problem considering the stress I've been under. That would totally make my week, if I could get to goal. 

Hot cha cha cha cha!

HOT COCOA!

I picked up a box of mint hot cocoa from the office on Friday. Sarah said it was really good, and man was she right! A while back ago I had wrote that my new shakes smelled like hot cocoa mix. Not only did it taste good, it;s only 70 calories and 12g of protein! I'm thrilled! Any kind of hot drink seems to be more filling to me, does that happen to anyone else? I can definitely see this working out great for me, especially in the colder months to come.

This work week has been bananas. It usually always is, but especially the past two weeks I've worked. UGH. Definitely not liking it at all. I have to admit, it has gone by quickly. This week is especially sad for me. One of my best friends that I work with is leaving. Dianna's last day is Tuesday, I don't know what I'll do without her! She's going back to school to be a PA. Even though I'm really happy and excited for her, I'm going to miss her a lot. It helps a lot to have great people to work with. They don't come by very often, but when they do you definitely are thankful.

Been doing some thinking lately, I'm in need for a change. I'm craving it. 

"Got to make a plan,
Got to do what's right,
Can't run around in circles,
If you wanna build a life"

J.A.R.-Green Day

Everyday I'm strugglin'

11/11/11!

It's an LMFAO kind of day! I'd LOVE to be shufflin' through weight loss but instead I'm STRUGGLIN'. Weigh in did not go well today. I gained back 2lbs. UGH. This seriously is a big disappointment. Dr, Cusimano encouraged me to not get upset, but it's hard not to. I got my lovely period this week, she said that a lot of her patients gain weight from it. She assured me that by next week I'll be fine. I hope so, it's just hard to swallow. 

I'm still having trouble with the iron fiasco. I'm not supposed to take Miralax for an extended amount of time. If you grow dependent on products like this, it can actually change your BM patterns. It's only  meant to be used for 1 week at most. She perscribed me Colace, which is actually available OTC. At Walgreens they gave me Sennsa instead, which is the same thing. It contains castor oil. I have to take 1 at bed time for a while. If this problem persists, she said that she wants me to go see a GI specialist. UGH. I know exactly where that's going, scope. Personally I don't think I need to go, I'm 25 years old and have no other problems besides being overweight and constipated from iron supplements.

Next Friday I have another appointment, and the week after before Thanksgiving I see Dr. Cusimano. Let's hope she doesn't send me off during Thanksgiving holiday to get scoped! I'm setting a definite target weight to drop by next appointment. Going to try to lose 5lbs. I know it's possible, because I did it the first week!

Mad dash

This is becoming a weekly thing...

Every week before the day of my weigh in, I seem to be in all sorts of a frenzy. I'm finding that I was to eat as little as possible the day before, which I don't think is helping me out. Tomorrow I weigh in. Although I'd be super excited to finally hit my 10lb loss mark, I don't think it's going to happen tomorrow. Weighing yourself is an evil evil thing to do. 

I'm starting to get worried about the whole lax thing. Using something for a prolonged period of time, just leads to dependence. I bought some Fiber Choice chewable tabs, after some research online it looks pretty safe. Each tab (which they're kind of big) has 2g of fiber in it. Max dose for each day is 6. They don't taste bad, I just hope they help.

Molly has a friend who sees Dr. Cusimano also. I asked her the other day how she was doing (she's on strictly shakes) and she told me she had lost 15lbs in 3 weeks! I was stunned, I've been on this program for almost 6 weeks and I haven't hit 10. Molly did say that her friend was barely eating anything, practically starving herself. Apparently this girl needed to lose weight for some wedding this month. Crazy...I'd like to see if she'll actually keep that weight off. Does make me jealous though.

For now I'll just have to settle on the old

"slow and steady wins the race".

Speed reading...

Leads to missed crucial information!

Anyone that knows me, knows I LOVE Target. Not joking. I worked there for five years prior to  beginning my career. Why you ask I chose to work there? Well first of all I was there literally ALL the time. I just can't help it. Everything is clean, shiny, deliciously tempting to spend oodles of money on things you not only want--but NEED. Hello America, my name is Thao and I am addicted to Target.

I had to make a few returns after work tonight, and of course I browsed around for a  bit. My Miralax neat packs ran out, so I had to pick up some more. Along with an eyelash curler---yes I am the only adult woman in America who doesn't own one, and a few more things. While I was in the "digestive" isle, I decided to pick up some Fiber Choice tablets. Figured it couldn't hurt seeing as I need all the help I can get with taking iron. Upon browsing in the aisle, I found some Dulcolax. There were two different boxes, gentle and fast acting; guess which one I bought? Into the basket it went and I zipped along to the office supply isle. Did y'all know I LOVE office supplies? Something about them makes me soooo happy--must have been all those summers spent at Grandma's office! I got home and started putting my things away, packing up my life bag for work. I pulled out the Dulcolax box and went to read how to use it. Granted the Miralax does work, but I didn't want to use it for a prolonged period of time. More variety is better right?

WELL, I guess when I thought variety--I didn't really mean I wanted more of that variety! So I'm looking at this box, and I flip it to the backside for the directions. In small highlighted letters it says: For rectal use only. HUH?! I was so excited to get pen refills (I AM NOT PATHETIC OKAY!) I seemed to have put a SUPPOSITORY in my effing basket. I didn't even know what a suppository was until I Googled it! I mean I had a faint idea but oh my lord of the rings I have got to FOCUS on reading slower!

So now here is my dilemma. Do I RETURN them? Take the chance of embarrassment or actually keep them and use them eventually. I have 90 days to ponder this idea, before it is too late. UGH. I've come to the short conclusion to keep them just in case. Maybe they will come in handy when I'm in a bind...hah.

But no, seriously. I need to slow down when I read...

Sneezing, runny nose, sore throat, OH MY!

UGH.

I feel your pain girl...

It's happened, the first cold of the season. Whoever got me sick...needs to pay for descending such a plague on me. I've had post nasal drip for about a month, and hate it. It is seriously gross. I learned how to hauck loogies a few years ago, because I HAD TO. It's gross, it's disgusting, but it's the only thing that gets the phlegm out. Mucinex is a god send, but only when you know how to hauck. What's crazy to me is why your body can't just digest phlegm. It seems to be able to digest everything else. Weird. 

Went to Thai Thai last night with Marissa for dinner. We both were super tired and not feeling ourselves, seeing that we both weren't feeling well I guess. After I left I went home, turned on the Netflix and parked it out the couch for the rest of the night. I started sneezing uncontrollably, then came the persistent need to blow my nose, and then the holy mother ship of knowing you're sick---the sore throat. UGH. I've been watching The Wonder Years on Netflix everyday for the past month. There's something really soothing about listening to the trials and tribulations of Kevin Arnold. It wasn't so bad I guess. At least I knew what was to come of this cold.

Today I haven't felt much like eating. I had a mint crunch protein bar and that's about it. Didn't even attempt to drink a shake. I must admit, I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should. The iron supplement seriously is a bummer. Constipation is something I'd like to avoid, especially after gaining weight the last time. Friday I actually have an appointment with Dr. Cusimano. I'm sure she's going to re draw blood work again. I'm going to have to come clean about my vitamins. I'll start taking them tomorrow, I promise. Hopefully they'll help me get over my cold. I found vitamin C supplements among my shmorgishborg of a collection. I'm going to try taking two with them per iron supplement I take. Eating a few oranges or clementines couldn't hurt. You can't really OD on vitamin C I've been told, hope I don't find out different!

Beware, this is a rant.

 I don't get people.

Some days I seriously question the motives for other people around me. I should really just not even attempt to figure some people out. Nothing will come good of it I'm sure. I wouldn't say that I'm in a bitchy mood, wouldn't even say anything upset me today. Just guess I'm venting about things around me I can't control.

I've tried and tried to understand why people feel the need to be demeaning. The only conclusion that I can draw, is that they get some sick twisted pleasure out of squishing people like they're bugs. There is no excuse for it, AT ALL. Okay, okay granted I fly off the handle quite often but I never set out to demean anyone. When was it ever acceptable to behave like that? Your mother must have not hugged you enough...

Better yet, I love the people who can't seem to mind their own effing business. PERIOD. I'm guilty of gossiping, but I can tell you for sure--I wouldn't say anything behind your back that I wouldn't to your face. BAM! Take that bitches! Or the gutless swine that have no back bone, you know the people who dish shit out but can't take it? The ones who constantly seem to start shit but evade it the minute you call them out? The ones that time and time again, will be your back up until the second you really need them? Yeah those jerks. HEY, I WARNED YOU THIS WAS A RANT!

I'm an observant person. I always wait to act before I get my cards stacked correctly. People have accused me of being a floor mat. Always giving others the benefit of the doubt, always thinking "no they wouldn't screw me over, that's not who they are". If I was staring at my past self right now, I'd smack her across the face. Thus, I'm NOT that girl anymore.

I have helped FAR TOO MANY people out and have not looked for anything in return. Generally speaking, I really like being there for people; helping them in any way that I can. It makes me feel good. What doesn't make me feel so great, is people taking advantage of me. A good friend of mine once told me, "people can only take advantage of you, if you let them". So, I stopped letting them. What even makes it better, is the people who I've helped out decide they want to treat me like shit. Gee, thanks! 

I am who I am period. I do things because I want to. Not because I'm trying to impress people, or look good, kiss ass because we all know I DO NOT KISS ANYONE'S ASS. Just not my style. The going trend for me lately is that I really could care less what other people think about me. Because to be honest, whatever someone thinks or says about me is not my business. 

AHHHH

feeling much better, I probably lost 5lbs alone

in dropping some attitude.

I love you weekend

Oh, how I LOVE my weekends off!

Friday night was girls night. Nikki text me to see what I was up to and asked me to come out with the girls. Marissa has been home due to her gallstones (poor thing, not like it stopped her from having a good time!), Laura had dinner plans and was meeting us after, Tracy and Amy were joining us as well. It's been really nice to have time to catch up with my best gals, minus one--RISS V! Tracy has been the first one out of our group of girls to get married. Although we love her husband Lino, we love Tracy more and really like to steal her away sometimes! We had TONS of fun, it was one of the funnest nights I've had in a long time. I wish weekends could be like this all the time.

Saturday night was Nicole's DIRTY 30 Birthday Bash! Nicole has been a really good friend to me at work, so of course I was down to party with her no matter what! Her family rented out a school bus to take us bar hopping lmao. I drove separate with some friends. I have issues with being stranded and at someone else's mercy. Don't act like the bus wouldn't have left me, because it totally left without Nicole at the third bar we were at! HA!

Today was a mild day. Sunday funday football with the crew. Catching up and hanging out. I've noticed my taste for social activities has been changing. I'd so much rather hang out at someone's place or a dive bar and chill for the rest of the night. Going downtown has its fun moments for sure, but I've been leaning towards other options. Especially during the winter months. It is too damn cold to be outside and I hate wearing a coat out. We here in this area don't have things like coat check like them city folk do...lol. No, really we don't. 

So this week I'm aiming to lose as much weigh as I can come Friday! I was able to get an appointment squeezed in at 1:00pm, apparently their morning appointments are the most difficult ones to get into. Probably because people like me try to get in before work. I'm really liking the peppermint protein bars, reminds me of girl scout thin mints. Speaking of which, I can't find a damn girl scout for their cookies to save my life! Not that I can really eat them right now, but I plan on buying a box and sticking them in my freezer. 

Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed the extra hour this weekend. It always takes me some time to adjust but I do like the time change. If I ever moved to Arizona, I don't know how I'd feel about not changing my clocks. It's a bummer that it gets darker earlier now, but I so will be excited when the sun stays out longer in the spring.

Shout out to Jonathan, my sister's friend. He ran the NYC marathon today! I can't wait to get to a point where I can run in one too! 

Melting, I'm MELTING!

MELTED AWAY ANOTHER POUND!

I know it doesn't seem like much; one pound for a whole seven days, but it means a lot to me! I've been working so hard to keep my numbers down. The number two fiasco has subsided, and even though it set me back a week I'm moving along just find now. 

During my first appointment, Dr. Cusimano had me targeted to lose 1-2lbs/week. At first I felt like it wasn't enough weight for me to lose. The first week I lost 5lbs, I figured I'd set the bar for myself and hope to lose 5lbs each week. YEAH RIGHT...I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I've decided that from here on out, I'll make a big effort to lose each week and not gain. Maintaining weight is disappointing, but not as bad as gaining it. Working really hard to keep this weight off takes a lot of will power and strength. I'm not about to toss all my hard work out the window.

REWARDS

Michael Kors "Blair" Stainless Steel

So I decided a while back that I'd reward myself for each milestone. I'm planning on treating myself to a new phone (although the exact phone keeps changing), but I've also been thinking ahead about what I may want next. I'm a big fan of Michael Kors. Not only do I love him on Project Runway, but I really love his design. Finding a really good watch is a hard task. I'm not much of a watch wearer per say, but I found some really nice ones I'd like. 

Michael Kors Chronograph Stainless Steel

I'm having a hard time deciding on which one I want. I can get them both from Macy's, so I'm thinking of going there and taking a look. Trying them on will probably be the key to my decision.  Only three more pounds until I get my new phone! Yippy skippy!

Savvy Friends

Today I got to spend some time with my friend Lukus!

Lukus and I met about 3 years ago at a Halloween party, and we've been friends ever since. He's a vegetarian, actually vegan. I'm always learning new things from him, it's definitely nice to have someone veggie savvy like him in my life. We don't get much time together, Lukus is a musician (check out his page by the way, Lukus Wells) and is super busy. Lucky for me, good friends always have time to pencil each other in.

The good 'ol iron supplement story came into conversation. He actually suggested the same thing a friend of mine had. Eat vitamin C rich foods with iron, it helps absorption. I've been trying to remember to eat oranges or strawberries when I take it, but alas I always forget. Tomorrow I weigh in, so I'll make a quick stop to Weggies after to pick up some foodies.

I'm so lucky to have such good friends. Not just good, irreplaceable in fact. They've all been so supportive of my weight loss program, and have done their best to help me out. My sister's best friend, Alegria has been an amazingly helpful friend. It's crazy how this all worked out. My sister is best friends with her, and I consider Alegria's brother Sam to be one of my best friends as well. Anyway, Alegria is Dietitian--HOW LUCK AM I?! She's been so amazingly awesome, e-mailing me with suggestions and answers to some of my concerns. Whatever Dr. Cusimano's staff doesn't answer for me, Alegria usually does.  

It's been one heck of a trip, I almost can't believe I've been doing this program for over a month. Of course I didn't get all of the results I wanted to during this time, but I have confidence that I'm losing at a healthy steady rate. 

OH! And by the way, I went out and bought a needle/dial scale. It was amazingly cheap at Target, I guess no one uses them anymore. Even though Dad yelled at me because he can't read the numbers, I'll keep it for me to use. I at least know I can zero this thing out, so it's semi accurate. We'll see! Catch you all tomorrow :)

Catch up

OMG it's been almost a week that I haven't blogged!

Shame, shame! Sorry guys. I usually lose my train of blogging during the weekend. I still go out with my friends, even on work weeks. Got to have a life right?! Well I've been so exhausted the past few days, I couldn't bring myself to blog...

Now I'm back on track! This past week was Halloween! YAY! I love this time of year. Anyone that knows me, knows I love Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang. This is my favorite time of year. Not only because I love the fall, but because I get three--yes THREE Charlie Brown holiday specials! Anyway, the Halloween candy really didn't bother me much. I went to a few parties, a good friend of mine always has one every year. I got home way too late from it, and ended up dragging butt into work the next day. Woof. When I got home Sunday night, I slept from 9:30pm-8am. Solid sleep! Felt nice.

I've been noticing a bitter like taste with my shakes. I'm not really sure why they taste like that. At first I thought I didn't rinse out all the soap from washing my bottle. Now I'm positive it's the shake. The VIA coffee trick works for now, but I'm growing super tired and bored with  the flavor and my bars. Switching up my protein bars are nice, they even told me at the office I could pump in sugar free syrup to my shakes. I'll try turning the shake into a pudding (totally suspicious of this option, but hey if it works...) I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up early to meet with Marissa. She hasn't been feeling well, and she needs to visit my neck of the woods. Even though I'm off tomorrow, I still want to go to help her out. It's scary being sick, especially when you're away from home, so I'm glad she is staying put until they can figure out things. After I'm going to do a wee bit of shopping and then meet up with my other girlies for some lunch. Excited for an easy breezy day tomorrow!