FOLDED.

UGH.

What's the point of a realistic blog, if you don't tell the truth? This past week has been murder. I've literally indulged myself in ever way possible, so needless to say...this bitch folded.

It's always exceedingly difficult around the holidays to behave when it comes to eating. Some days I find myself without any real appetite at all. Not because I'm particularly avoiding it, but literally because my body doesn't need it. I've posted several times on here about how your own psyche has so much to do with your weight. I wish the human brain didn't puzzle me so, but it really does. It amazes me how the human body really works. And this is coming from someone who majored in human biology and science! Still, it surprises me all the time.

Indulgence. There is no definition in world that can state it is necessary. It's totally not. We indulge, we cave, we fold, because we enjoy it. Does that make us weak? Sometimes yes, most often it is due to self mutilation, self loathing, and sabotage. Don't get it twisted. When you indulge in something, it's hard not to get carried away. This doesn't just pertain to food either. It's related to everything we do.

How many times have you done something that you know you'll regret? It doesn't mean you're a fucking psychic, it means you are simply aware of this plague called indulgence. Indulgence to me, means simply doing something because I secretly hate myself. Pretty harsh right, but it's really how I feel. Some days I just don't give a fuck and there I go. Straight to fucking hell.

This past week was just that for me. I had a great time with my family at home, my friends, I always love a good get together. However, I'm feeling such remorse now over the decisions I've made. Not just eating but guilty about spending money, buying shit that I really don't need. Okay maybe I actually do, so I shouldn't be so somber about it. My clothes are literally two to three sizes too big for me. None of my jeans fit, I'm swimming in most of my shirts and feel like I'm always wearing a potato sack around me. In other words, I'm justifying my purchases at Express. They were all great deals, after Christmas discounts and for the most part I'm pretty pleased.

I've never really had control issues, that is issues over letting myself get out of control. Most people would describe me as having my shit together. Well guess what, they're fucking right. I allow myself from time to time to really just let everything go to shit so to speak. Awful isn't it? I don't drink really, and I don't do drugs, I shop because when I want something I just go get it, and I do most things because I want to. Some people allow themselves to wallow in being depressed, I give myself a time limit. It's a coping mechanism I've formed for myself since I was about seven. It works really well for me, and other times hinders me. I've learned so much over the years on how to deal with circumstances in my life. I don't sit and wallow in anything because it isn't fucking productive. 

In a world where I can control very little, I at l east have the ability to work harder at the things I can attempt to keep in line. 

I gave myself this past week to binge, to misbehave and go straight to fucking hell. I'm over it, I enjoyed it, and now i can let it the fuck go.

Judge me all you want. I'd be a fool not to think there are lots of people out there that would like nothing better than to see me fall. You can see me fall all you want, but you will see me stand back up. 
Every. Fucking. Time.

Powdered What?!

PB2

Have you heard of it? Maybe, maybe not. If you're familiar with protein shakes, you may have heard of this product. It's  powdered peanut butter. Adding peanut butter is pretty popular with protein shakes. There are all kinds of recipes online to switch things up.

I was skeptical at first, just like I am with everything. It wasn't 100% needed, but you guys know me well enough by now...impulse buyer. Guilty as charged. Not only was I super curious, I really wanted to see what all the hype was about. I decided to venture out, like a complete idiot, to the mall two days after Christmas. I wandered around trying to find a copy of Mario Kart for the Wii, then got side tracked at the giant sale at Bath and Body Works before hitting up GNC. Of course they were OUT of it at GNC, and so was Vitamin World. 

The next day I went to Wegmans and managed to find a similar product. It's still powdered peanut butter. 

So I picked this up in the organic section, and figured it was close enough. The idea of using this, is the fat elimination. The directions instruct you to mix two tablespoons of powder with one tablespoon of water. You're making your own paste if you will. One serving of this contain 1.5g fat. 

I have to admit, I've never tried putting peanut butter in my shakes. The idea of it piqued my interest, and I'll definitely use it. Mixing regular peanut butter from a blender, kind of seemed messy. When I discovered the powder, I was super excited. Upon opening up the lid, I wasn't surprised at all. It's just really pulverized peanuts. The smell was great, and it didn't have a sweet scent really to it at all. The consistency is more like flour.

As you can see, super easy to add in a blender right? I haven't tried this in a shake just yet, but you all know I'll tell you the cold hard truth! A jar of this brand in particular will run you about $8.99. You can find PB2 online for less I'm sure. 

Reflections

Where did this year go?

:Time is a thief, that is never caught:

I really hope that everyone had a good holiday season. With the turn of the year coming up, I can hardly see how next year can't be so promising. It's been a giant wild adventure, my life up until now. Full of so many triumphs, set backs, disappointments, and pick me ups. What people don't understand about me, is the fact that it's taken so many meltdowns in order for me to keep calm in giant moments of crisis. 

I've never really been one to give in, or give up. I don't accept things very easily, because I am a scientist. I was built to ask questions and to find answers. To spend my days questioning, experimenting and pushing the boundaries and limits on all things in life. It's who I am, and the face that I'm an extremely tenacious person sometimes doesn't help. It's ridiculous and fucking foolish for anyone of us to think that our days aren't numbered. They are.

Changing your life, is fucking scary. So scary that it cripples people. I'm not saying to fly by the seat of your pants, but don't sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else play ball. It takes the strongest of wills to change their course, to dare to break cycles. That's what my weight loss and personal transformation is all about. Breaking cycles. It is not one cataclysmic even that brings us into peril. It is the combined events of small obstacles and repetitive behaviors that destroy us. They keep us suffocated, drowning, gasping for air. 

I'm in the process of mentoring people into creating a healthier lifestyle. Whether it be physical health, mental or spiritual. For some odd reason, people gravitate towards me. Complete strangers off sidewalks and in parks reach out to strike up conversation with me. Maybe it's because I have a friendly face, or have good ears for listening, maybe it's because I have something to offer. In a world where struggles and setbacks will literally kick down your door, it's nice to know that you're not alone. 

So no matter what war you're faced with, know that you're not as alone or as incapable as you think you are.

You are what you seek. 

I'm encouraging my readers, my friends, my families to really think about what they want their lives to be. What they would like to achieve, how they'd like to live. Dig deep and find out what you really fucking want, or what you're really fucking worth. Why go through all of these repetitious periods of chaos, when you can LEARN something from it. Repeat offenders are continuous offenders because they didn't learn anything. Take what you can from situations and people, and apply those lessons to your life. Through helping others, you help yourself. Speaking from a woman who was horribly overweight, literally carried the weight of so many others on her shoulders, was completely lost, grasping at straws...it's possible to DEAL. Possible to deal with things in a healthy effective manner. Face those demons, kick their fucking asses and start living your dream of a freer life. A better life.

A healthy mind, and healthy body is something money can't buy. 

Do the work, and I promise you won't regret it.

Holy Mary Mother of...

Fuck, that's good.

Bringing out my inner Deb from Dexter today. So today was the Shakeology test day. To be completely honest, I put off making my shake until after hours at work. I seriously wasn't expecting much of anything. I decided to give the chocolate a try first.

I got all my supplies out. I've read somewhere about adding a banana as peanut butter helps with the taste. My plan of attack was to whip some up with just almond milk and ice. If it tasted like complete and utter shit, I was going to add the banana and peanut butter to help me get the rest of it down. 

I noticed last night when I was squeezing the pouch, that the powder seemed really fine. Finer than what my other protein powder is like. Upon opening the bag, I of course sniffed it. Immediately I was turned off. I literally almost gagged. It smelled like straight up cocoa powder and weirdness. My other powder smells like hot cocoa mix, so this threw me completely off. With some encouragement from my coworkers, I just proceeded to blend it up. I already ordered this, so why the hell not follow through. 

I've read about blending it first, and then adding ice to it. If you use a shaker bottle for ANY protein shake, you'll have the grittiness. So in order to avoid this, blend your shake without ice first. Add your ice in, and keep blending. 

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH:

HOLY SHIT. I'm not even joking, this far exceeded my expectations! I'm legit AMAZED at how good this tastes. The ice and almond milk made it creamy, like a shake. It was about frosty consistency, and a little gritty but not horrible. The taste, is out of this world. It tastes kind of like a chocolate soft serve, but like a dark chocolate flavor. AND NO WHEY AFTER TASTE! I'm really impressed to tell you all the truth. Much to my surprise, I REALLY like it. I'm seriously considering ordering these to change things up. We'll see how the vanilla flavor goes. My track record with the vanilla flavored protein shakes is awful. 

So here's my opinion

For anyone who has past experience with protein shakes, these are definitely worth a try. It has a different flavor and consistency that is more than just tolerable. I've been so skeptical and hesitant to order these, because I feel like all of the reviews are biased and fake. You all should know me by now, I'm anything but fake. The Melting Girl gives REAL HONEST REVIEWS on everything. Even my crazy rants! I'm telling you, I was expecting to be horribly disappointed. 

For those of you who don't have experience with protein shakes, y'all probably will have a hard time honestly. A lot of the online reviews saying Shakeology was disgusting and they were gagging, WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF PROTEIN SHAKES! I had a tough time adjusting to protein shakes in the beginning, I'd love to tell you all you'll grow to enjoy them. You really don't. At least I don't. I will never get used to the taste of whey protein, and that won't ever change. So honestly, it probably does taste like shit for shake virgins. 

I'll let you guys know how the rest of the flavors taste, but I'm really kind of excited about Shakeology now! Who would have though?!

Little boxes

Little boxes

Just keep coming in the mail for me! I got home tonight after work, and discovered a Beach Body stamped box on my doorstep. My Shakeology came in. Although I wasn't jumping for joy (was hoping I'd receive something that sparkles and shines lol), I was still excited it's here...and dreading it.

So the sample box I ordered came equipped with four packets of mix. Two chocolate, one vanilla, and one greenberry. For $19.95 you can order this to test before fully committing to these magic shakes. 

Upon opening, as you can see it's a freaking box inside of a box. So normal, so far. The little note on the side about rate and exotic superfoods is kind of over the top for me, but hey I give them credit for trying to motivate people.

I have to admit, I thought the packets would be a bit bigger. My other shake packets are similar in size though. Basically, it came equipped with an informative book, and the 30 day money back deal. It doesn't really apply to me, since I only got a four day supply really. So you're supposed to drink a shake at least once a day. My shakes are meal replacements, but this one doesn't necessarily have to be a full meal per say I guess. Just as long as you incorporate it into your day pre or post work out is best I've read. 

The directions are just as most shakes are, blend with 8-12oz of cold water, milk, almond milk, soy milk, juice etc. JUICE? weird. Maybe the greenberry is good with apple juice or something. Who knows. Anyway this does contain whey protein, no huge surprise there. I just hope it doesn't taste like shit. 

As you all can see, I'm eating celery sticks for my night snack. So no Shakeology tonight. Wouldn't want nightmares about it, if it turned out to be awful. I'm gearing up to try it out tomorrow at work...wish me luck. And believe me, you all will get a 100% honest opinion from me. To tell you the truth, I'm being a big fat pessimist about these shakes. I'll be amazed if they don't taste like garbage. 

Big Fat Loser.

I've had to put off my appointments with Tali, due to some personal emergencies. It's been a crazy couple of weeks!

I went back to work this week, and was happy to find myself at an 11lbs loss! It's been about three weeks since I started back at my regiment. So, needless to say I'm pretty freaking happy!

With the holidays literally right around the coner, I'm taking his big fat loss as a giant feat! I'm feeling better than ever before, and kicking some serious ass! I'm back to my set goal of another 30lbs loss. I'm confident I can get there by spring.

On top of these changes, I went ahead and ordered the taste sampler of Shakeology on Tuesday. My Shakeology should be arriving next week, either Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas. I'm not going to lie, I'm a wee bit afraid to try it. Too late now. What's there to risk honestly? I only spent like $27 on it, so I'm not going to cry if I don't like it. You guys all know I write honest posts, so I won't sugar coat a damn thing. I'm really hoping that it tastes really amazing, so I can switch up what I'm on now. To be honest, I'll be more disappointed if I have to keep drinking what I'm on. I'm bored and ready to change it up! 

I meet with Tali on the 26th, and I'll report back what happens! I have yet to meet her, and have high expectations! For now, I'm exceptionally and utterly happy I'm a big fat giant loser.

Silk silk silk

What do cows drink?

WATER!

So today I got to experiment with my Silk Almond Milk. All I have to say, is holy shit. I got the vanilla flavored milk and decided to give it a go. I hear everyone talking about almond milk and how it's better for you, and it probably is. I previously did a blog entry about my problems with dairy. It just freaks me out. We as humans are the only animal that drinks another animal's milk. Gross. If you were to put a glass of milk in front of me, and force me to drink it I would projectile vomit. Legit makes me sick. 

I do okay with skim milk, but do better with soy. For whatever reason I've completely zoned out on the fact that whey protein is derived from dairy. That kind of explains a lot. Dairy isn't my favorite thing, I really don't even eat much ice cream. 

Moving forward,

I decided to give the almond milk a go, and whip up a shake tonight. I'm amazed that I haven't used this before! It tasted SO much better than using water! I mixed about 6oz of it with my 100 calorie chocolate protein mix, and threw in some ice. I'm happy to report that the Oster blender was EXACTLY what I wanted and was looking for! Super easy, small, and easy to clean. 

The caps just twist off and you can switch them out. One has the mixing blades, and the other is just a regular top to drink out of. I added way too much ice, so next time I'll cut back. It made the shake way too thick. This was the final product:

It turned out to be more like a frostie, but if you like that consistency that's cool. It was just hard to drink it out of a straw, so I just put the cap back on and drank it normally. I drink things way faster with a straw, so I'd use one when I drank my shakes from before. 

For anyone who hasn't tried blending their shakes, it's a definite must. The whisk bottle method just doesn't do it for me. It's like drinking mud. I feel like the almond milk gave the shake an entirely different taste AND consistency. It's worth a shot! 

I didn't try the almond milk alone, just because I didn't want to freak myself out. If I tried it plain and didn't like it, I'd probably talk myself into thinking the shake was going to be disgusting. Either way, I think this time around I'll definitely see more success. I have 40lbs to melt off to get to my final goal. It seems like a lot, but I put back on about 8lbs in the last 5 months so it set me back a bit. I'm super confident that I can achieve this goal, without too much resistance mentally this time!

I'm not even considering the Shakeology anymore, because the almond milk made that much of a difference in the taste. This is totally tolerable. I'm not over the moon about any protein shake, but I can definitely live with drinking these from now on! 

Shakeology & Beach Body

Ok,

So everyone sees all these infomercials for Beach Body right? These guys are responsible for the p90x program, insanity etc.

I'm a real person, with real weight to lose. For anyone that follows my blog, knows I've been at my diet and workout regiment for about 2 years now. I'm not a phony. I'm a realistic person who has lost as substantial amount of weight, and has gained some of it back. Only 10lbs really but that's enough for me to have an entire meltdown about! 

Going back into my shake program, I couldn't help but have nightmares about the taste of whey protein haunting me again. I've been off my shakes for a while now, and just the very thought of mixing them up again makes me gag. I will NEVER get used to the taste. I guess it's a necessary evil not taste so great, after all I'm used to drinking shit that tastes good. I mean, have you ever tasted an iced vanilla latte before?! I rest my case. 

I've been debating on investing in Shakeology. It's a product made by te Beach Body company and supposedly it tastes like nectar from the gods of protein shakes. I'm skeptical as all fucking hell. I'm a hard sell, so I'm not expecting anything spectacular. I've researched Shakeology for over a year, watched YouTube videos, searched online, spoke to Beach Body coaches, the whole shabang. 

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I contacted someone that was offering free samples. Although he has yet to mention anything about sending me a free sample, he seems encouraging in the process of weight loss. Which honestly does nothing for me, so fuck him. Sorry man. I went on the site, and I'm not sure how the hell I missed this! 

So they have this deal for $19.95 plus shipping and handling for a sample box. It comes equipped with two chocolates, one vanilla and a green berry packet. Why there are two chocolates I have no idea. Anyway, I'm planning on ordering it this week. I'm seriously considering using the Shakeology shakes instead of the ones I'm on now, IF AND ONLY IF they taste better. 

Let's face it, these shakes aren't going to taste like fucking milkshakes. I can get over most things if the benefits weigh out the cons. Which these protein shakes (whatever brand they may be) do. You get the right amount of protein you need, vitamins and it helps regulate your diet. So spending like $30 at most I think the Shakeology is worth a try. 

Onto the next:

With the ever growing industry of social media, it's been crazy easy for people to connect with one another. I've had a few people connect with me via Instagram that have dedicated their lives to healthy living. These girls are inspiring, real and they motivate me to do more! My friend Trish is currently doing a challenge program from Beach Body. It's the T25 program. The whole idea of this program, is that it's a work out in 25 minutes. Which is really doable I think. 

I'm not going to lie. The first time I did p90x I threw up twice and it was during the warm up and first part of the DVD. So needless to say I wasn't interested! Thank god I was doing it with a friend and didn't have to buy it. He continued and saw great results, but he's a stick and fit! It was too intense for me. So I started researching just like I always do and found reviews about the T25. I'm not committed to it just yet, I'm just tinkering with the idea.

And no, I'm not affiliated with anyone or any product. I'm a REAL person, telling MY STORY. One of the biggest reasons why I started this blog, is because I couldn't find REAL people that weren't biased on their opinions or experience. If you have any interest in reading my blog, I tell you the straight up truth. My truth that is lol. 

Regardless if anyone even follows or reads this blog anymore, it's also a tool to keep me accountable. A healthy mind and healthy body are extremely important. To cut corners and lie would only do yourself harm. 

Anyway, I'll order these "miracle" shakes later this week and let you know how it goes. Step by step as usual! Tomorrow I'll be cranking out my shakes with a blender, and we'll see how that goes! 

Kick Start

So I had my first appointment today at Ageless MedSpa.

Here are some things you should expect on your initial visit.

I didn't get to meet Dr. Reis Martin yet, I had some biometric testing to do. It was extremely similar to what I had gone through at Aviva. Initially when you start, they do a few tests in office to see where you're at. The first is scale test specially calibrated to do your BMI and total water and fat percentages. You step on the scale barefoot, the nurse will plug in your height and your age. Once the machine is ready, you grip the handles, wait a few seconds and a print off comes out with your information. This test alone runs about $70-75 to do. 

The second test they will run, is an EKG. The nurse will put sticky pads on your ankles, wrists and on your chest and abdomen. You'll have to take off your shirt and bra for this test, but you'll be in a paper gown. This charge is included with your nurse visit, which is $20. 

The only time you'll have to pay a copay is when you visit with the doctor. Normally you'll be checking in on a regular basis with the nurse, so $20 each appointment. Plus whatever supplies you may need.

After all this information is taken, Cody or one of the other nurses will sit down and go through everything with you. Because I'm already familiar with this diet plan, it was quick and easy. For others this could be time consuming. I really like Cody because she has done this herself and has first hand experience. She's really friendly and professional, she's trustworthy. I've already built trust with her, so it's extremely easy. However for others just starting, it's something you'll have to find within your means to trust your new provider, and comfort level. 

During this time you'll discuss your measurements from your biometric testing, how the diet works, what you can and can't have, and what they offer on hand in office.

After this, you can explore the office and take in what they have to offer. Most of the products they use are from Health Wise or Bariatrix company. They have an array of different protein shakes, that you can try and sample right there in the office. This is a MUST for me, just because I really want to know what I'm getting myself into before investing. They also have a variety of protein bars, that are really good! I love the rocky road and peanut butter and jelly bars. They're out of this world. 

The boxes will run you $15 and there's 7 bars I believe in them. I'm not sure how much the shakes cost, as I haven't bought any just yet. Cody hooked me up with some samples. The VHP shakes have way more protein and I consider them the "hardcore" shakes. These are the ones you get if you're doing 3 shakes a day, period. Scary right? She gave me the strawberry one to try. I've had the vanilla and chocolate. I prefer the chocolate and the vanilla flavored one...well I wrote an entire blog post about it a while ago if that tells you anything! 

The Proti brand shakes are 100cals and they can be turned into puddings as well. I haven't tried these shakes, only in the mocha flavor, which I loved! She gave me strawberry, vanilla and chocolate to try. 

Normally it is suggested that you mix these with water. When I was at Aviva I didn't bother with using a blender. I just used one of those blender bottles with a whisk in it. The shakes were okay, but not great. I will NEVER get used to the taste of whey protein. It's something that I'm going to have to try and get a grip on all over again. So this time, I'm going to try blending them in a blender. For this, you can use ice and water. I also bought some Silk Almond milk so I'll try both out and let you guys know what I think. 

So they had this blender in the office:

I went ahead and picked it up. The office is right by my favorite store, TARGET! I bought it for $24.99 I think, I'm not sure why it's $29.99 on the site but whatever. It's perfect for what I need, there are two different caps. One you screw on with the blending blades, the other just for drinking. I'm planning on taking this to work with me. There was another blender they had at Target for $14.99 I think, but Oster I figured is higher quality and I wanted to to last seeing as I'll be using it for a while.

Cody did write me an order for blood work also. My next appointment is on Monday the 9th, and I'll be meeting my new doctor for the first time then. She will go over my blood work and plan and we'll go from there! 

I'm really excited and we'll see how it goes! My goal is to lose 40lbs, and I'm confident I can get there! As always if you have any questions please feel free to comment or leave me a message! 

Happy holidays!

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?!

I hope it was lovely! We had lots of family in from all over, ate until we couldn't anymore and had lots of fun!

The holidays are always difficult to work around when you're on a diet. I find portion controlling usually is the best way to go about it. It's really hard not to have a taste, and want to consume everything after! Like the flood gates of junk food hell open and you'll get consumed in the fire death of rich foods! 

We changed things up a bit this year, instead of shopping we all went bowling. So much fun! Usually I don't do very well, but I totally kicked ass! I'm no 300, but I did get a 125 and a 135! So much fun! After we all went back home, ate more and went to the movies. We saw "Catching Fire" the second part of "The Hunger Games" trilogy and you all know how I feel about that! 

I love my Hunger Games, but not so much going through my own version of Hunger Games...which is what I call my diet lol!

Anyway, I'm glad that I got through Thanksgiving without gaining a whole other human in weight on me! Hope everyone's was great as well! 

Missing Parts

I came back to work on Wednesday and was greeted with bad news.

A good friend of mine from work unexpectedly lost her husband, and it broke my heart. I'm still in a sort of funk over hearing this. 

It's so hard to see bad things happen to such good people. She is one of those people that literally make the world a better place. I've thanked my lucky stars for her at work, for her kindness, advice and enjoyable chats. I've never seen her upset in the seven years I've worked here. Not even really angry! She is always so up beat and positive, her smiles are infectious.

Her husband was her whole world. I can't even imagine losing someone that close to you. I've lost a great deal of people who I loved dearly, but not a spouse. He was her entire world, her best friend, her rock, her constant. My heart goes out to her and the family. 

I didn't want to include names here, out of respect for them. My apologies if my entry is difficult to follow. Either way, I just wondered how people move on from events like this.

The truth is, I don't think we every really "move on". What we do, is learn to live with the pain. Loss is loss, no matter how significant or insignificant. It's a necessary part of our lives unfortunately. 

Some of us wait our whole lives to make those types of connections with people. It's just a sour and sad wake up call, to see how quickly it can be taken from you. No amount of time with the ones you love, will ever be enough. 

Forgotten Posts

Initially when I started my weight loss journey, one of my main goals was to look good for my cousin's wedding. 

She got married in October 2012, and I busted my bum to get into shape. I forgot to post pictures so here they are:

That's my sister and I at the venue. The dress I wore, was none other than Calvin Klein! I'm a sucker for such great tailoring, and I really like his line of dresses. I had a good excuse to buy new pumps, so I found these gorgeous purple Michael Kors at Nordstrom when I was there. I originally bought my dress in a size 14, but discovered when I was there it was too big! I ended up exchanging it at Macy's for a 12. Unbelievable! 

Just a few quick pics from the beach in Kailua. Even though I still had lost an incredible amount of weight, I'm still striving to lose more. 

My weight loss has made such a big impact on my life. I feel like I have it back again, and that's something that money could never buy. Stick with it, you'll see results! 

On my own

All by myself, don't wanna be...

All by myself! Anymore! So, giant thing I forgot to mention: Dr. Cusimano closed her practice in September 2013. Super sad. She has been wanting to retire for a bit now, I think running her own practice had proven to be more than she expected. Along with her weight loss patients, she had regular ones as a family doctor and became overwhelmed.

I am truly sad to lose her as a doctor. I finally found someone who I trusted completely with my health, and really liked. She will be one of my favorite people always. I've made good friends along the way, but am truly saddened that no one was able to take over her practice. This community needs a program like this desperately.

For the past few months, I've been pretty much fending for myself. I weigh myself weekly at work and keep tabs on myself through the LoseIt! App on my phone. I still keep in touch with Cody, my nurse from Aviva. Actually, she is soon to be working at a new practice opening up that will be providing a similar program. Thank god, because I need to have someone to answer to at the end of the week! I can deal with self control, but being held accountable definitely helps. 

These past few months have been a bit difficult for me health wise. I got back into  getting crazy over my weight loss, to the point where I think I went damn near mad over it. Obsessing in weight loss is so easy to do. It's different when you were skinny and now you're fat. Being fat and now you're skinny keeps you under so much pressure to never get like that again. I had a battle with cervical cancer in 2008 that I overcame, and it decided to come back and haunt me this August. If you get a call from your doctor, let me just tell you it's hardly a good sign. Every phone call I've ever received from a doctor, has been shitty news. Queue the meltdown. I let myself cry about it for an hour, pulled myself together and dealt with it. Thankfully it was just a scare, and I'm healthy for now. 

If I didn't associate myself with such caring doctors and their practices, I'm not sure how I would have made it this far. Losing Dr. Cusimano was a big deal to me. She was part of my support team, someone I trusted and respected. I'm truly honored and grateful that for her time, and her dedication to her patients. I've since signed up with Cody to follow her to a new office. It has yet to open up, but I'm hoping that after the new year it will all be ready to go. I'm looking forward to participating in a new practice, and hope that Dr. Cusimano didn't set the bar too high! 

Formation

I am such a SUCKER for formation.

Maybe not "a sucker for", more like I'm anal and have OCD when it comes to some things. I'm really feeling the itch to blog again, but I'm blogging from my phone. I recently moved and haven't had time to hook up with wifi yet. I know, I know, I'm such a heathen right?! I'm old school grandfathered in through Verizon, and come hell or high water I'm not giving up my UNLIMITED DATA. That's right kiddies, I'm hitting an average of 10 gigs a month and I'm getting my monies worth damnit! 

Anyway, sorry to the app creators for Blogger but this app royally sucks. I can't change my fonts, change my paragraphing, center things, add links and I'm about to find out what my pics look like when I upload them. Gah! 

Anyway, so this blog entry is focused on format. We are all creatures of habit. As much as we all think we like change, we really don't. Even the slightest change in our everyday lives takes time to get used to. I spent most of my time off preparing for weddings, getting myself in shape and working on my new house. I found myself using up almost all my free time at Lowe's and doing butch manly man work. Secretly so emopowering by the way! I traded in my time at the gym, and did some serious work. Painting, re surfacing my hardwood floors, gutting the kitchen and bathroom, it was a major work out and really good mentally.

We all like to physically see our goals coming to life. When you decide to lose weight, you may not always see it. This is why I love taking before and after shots. All those blog posts of me whining that I hadn't seen any big results...seem like nonsense now! Behold:

The picture to the left was in 2010, and the one to the right was taken in September 2013. What a difference right? I am SO much happier, and I think you can definitely tell. It's strange when I look back, and see a bloated version of myself. I've always loved dressing up and going out, but I noticed in my fat phase I didn't care anymore. I just let myself go. Nothing looked right on me, so I wore things to hide in. I didn't even really invest any time into my hair or makeup. Let's face it, when you're fat there isn't much to look great in. Sure you could probably find something cute, but you would still feel insecure.

My best advice to anyone out there, is to stick to your goals. Set goals that are attainable, and not too far out that you'll never reach. If you put your mind to losing 5lbs a month, that is TOTALLY doable! Treat and reward yourself! I've gone over this many times on here, so I'll keep it short. Reward yourself with something non food related. Do something fun, buy a nice dress to go with your new skinny self! 

Change is hard. Reworking your brain, is not an easy task. You'll shock your system mentally and emotionally. But if it brings out a healthier version of you, freaking do it! Trust me when I say, if I can do it you can too. I know that sounds like such a farce, but believe me. Coming from a girl who has been down that road to self loathing, literally drowning, her whole world caving in. I pulled myself back out, took control of my life and it has made ALL the difference.

So make up a new format for your everyday life. Turn that OCD into some big positive, like getting off your ass and exercising! A healthy mind and healthy body is a serious force to be reckoned with! 

As always, I'm always here if anyone needs help in weight loss support. I'll answer questions as best I can! I may not be posting as frequent as I should, but I promise I read all my emails! Good luck! 

I'm back!

:I don't even know if anyone still reads this:

Looks like it's been a FULL YEAR since I've blogged. Makes me a little sad to know I've let it go for that long, but I'm happy to say that I've kept up with my weight loss and fitness!

Who hasn't had a ton of shit going on? My year was full of weddings, life changes, highs and lows, drama out the wahzoo and lots of lessons.

I've been able to maintain my weight loss, and although I'm still stuck in the 170's I've dropped down in size. Clothes are so annoying. Honestly, I hate how every brand of clothing magically fits differently. A size 12 in one brand could be something totally different in another. None the less, I teeter from a size 12-14. Which I'm happy to say, is completely average.

When I set out on my weight loss journey, I never aimed to be skinny. I just wanted to be healthy, and I am. By no means am I stopping here, I can't! I've made a life long commitment, and for those of you who know me my word is as good as gold. When I commit, I do with everything I have. 

The following posts are ones just to catch up and hit on a few things. Forgive my format, I'm blogging from my phone. My laptop is in need of a funeral.