NYE 2012

Another year when I have to remember to date my papers correctly!

I'm excited for NYE. Tomorrow my friends and I are all driving up to Marissa's to celebrate NYE at her house. Her parents won't be home, they'll be in Chicago so we're all looking forward to it. Not that he parents aren't fun, we all kind of wish her dad was there to celebrate but that leaves the entire house to us!

The girls were busy making party favors and such and we're all preparing for the festivities. I'm not really worried about the whole drinking situation. I've been used to not drinking at all for so long, it doesn't even bother me. For the most part, we are making our own food and snacks. There will probably be stuff that I'm not supposed to eat, and I'll do my best to stay away from those foods.

I'm ready for this year to be done. I feel like I've gotten the most I could from it. Everyone seems to make new resolutions, but I feel like I've already made them and intend to stick to them throughout the rest of my years. Being healthy is everything to me. Healthy inside and out. I've gone through so much in my life already, and it's finally time for me to move on and become my own person and have control over a life that is mine. This year I'm pledging to be selfish for my own sake. To take care of my needs and to attentively keep track of what is important to me, especially my feelings. I'm not one to gripe all the time about the woes of the world, but my feelings do matter. I worry so much about how everyone else feels, and not enough about how I feel.

Things are changing everyday around me. I've yet to truly regret anything that I've done or made decisions on. Even when times have been rough on me, I am thankful I had the experience now versus later in my adult life. Young people are resilient, I feel like the older people get, the less opportunities they have to be able to process things as quickly I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, but I definitely don't want to wait to have a mid life crisis.

I've been ready to start my life for so long. I'm not going to wait around on someone else's watch for it to start. This is the first day of my life.

Montazuma's revenge...

WARNING:

For all of you who aren't comfortable with reading about SHIT talk, stay away from this post!

I was talking the other day with Marissa about eating really bad food and how it affects your body. After you've started eating healthy, the minute you eat something horrible for you--you get sick. You know the stuck in the bathroom kind of sick. I've been steadily losing weight, and the times that I've cheated I've paid dearly for it.

Same thing with vegetarians. I've heard that when people go veggie and transition back to meat, they also get really sick. There's different bacteria in your system that break down different things, so of course when your body gets used to eating a certain type of food--it's only natural that it's a shock to your system.

This can be a pain, but it actually benefits you in the long run. Marissa had her gallbladder taken out a few months ago. She's starting to get the after shock effects of eating greasy food and stuff. It's the same thing that happens to me too! It's literally beating you into submission not to go to junk food hell! I've heard the same things about gastric bypass patients who try to cheat. Most of them get violently sick, thus making them to steer clear of those foods. I guess that's one way of your body assuring you to stay healthy.

I feel like the meds I've been taking have also helped me. I'm not feeling icky anymore and I think my body has adjusted well to it. The only way to tell really, is to get another set of labs drawn. I'm excited that people are beginning to notice my weight loss. It probably won't really show until I hit like 20lbs, but I'm definitely on my way to a healthy new year!

Home for the holidays

The best part of the holidays, are when people come home!

I was so anxious to get out of work on Tuesday and be off for the new year! This week at work was seriously ungodly. It was horrific. I haven't had such a bad stretch of days in such a long time. ANYWAY, I'm off now so I get to spend time with all of my favorite people!

I've been bumming out a lot, just because I really didn't feel like I got to spend a good amount of time with a few of my friends. Dustin came up from Charlotte and I literally only got to see him on Christmas Eve. I'm going to visit him in April. Robb and D2 are going to make a trip down to celebrate D2's birthday. I'm really excited! What's not fun about getting together with some hilarious friends and spending our birthdays together!? Dustin has been living in Charlotte for a few months now, so he's all settled in. It's always nice to bring home to people who live away. Rhonda and I got to get together over the holidays as well. We had enough time to exchange gifts and meet before she left to go home. She knows how my work schedule is, and she had lots of people to meet with as well so I'm glad we had some time in between. I barely got to see my sister. Hien was only home for like three days before she headed back to the city. I guess I can see her any time I want, but still.

One of my best friends in the whole world is home from Texas. Sam has lived there for about 4-5 years now, and I have yet to venture out there. I'm making moves and plans to go visit him in March. We're going to see The Red Hot Chili Peppers while we're there, and go to the rodeo. I've been spending almost all of my time off with him, because he's in need of support from someone who knows and understands him. I just worry a bit about what will happen when he gets home...he'll be ok. I don't really want to get into his business on here, but it just makes me sad when my friends are going through rough times.

For the most part, my first few days off of work have been busy making rounds with friends! My diet regiment is going well. I lost another 2lbs! Very excited, and happy to say I'm not nauseous anymore, yay!


I've been having so much fun lately, it's hard to imagine how much greater my time spent with my friends could be. Wednesday night, we randomly ended up at Chris's house for a visit and ended up launching fireworks out of his back yard. The neighbors came out bitching and yelling at us, but it was too late. We lit the fuse and ran back. It was great! I was dying, the whole thing was hilarious. What is life worth, without a little fun and a little risk now and again?

Self mutilation

Aye yai yai

Lately a few friends of mine have been struggling with some really complicated relationships. To the point where I believe they are almost punishing themselves, for god only know what reason. We've all been caught in that tug of war, you know between your heart and your head. You know something may not be the best for you, and yet you can't help but going back.

Why? Why is it always such a struggle? Why can't we simply just have the ability to make the right decision in the first place? Because, life isn't that easy. It hates you and wants to make you crazy lol. I just wish that circumstances were just more cut and dry. It's like dating someone only to find out that you don't like them. That they were in disguise the entire time before they roped you in. What a waste of time. This is why I despise dating. How annoying.

If it were all that easy. To truly be able to weed out the weeds. Sometimes in life, you have to go through things to teach you lessons. Reason or season. Plain and simple. When do you decipher whether or not being in a situation is good or bad for you? 

Simple.

When the BAD weighs out the GOOD.

Don't keep yourself in a rotten situation, for the simple fact that it's easy, or because of the love you have for that other person. If you truly loved them, you need to let them go because enabling someone in a completely destructive situation is only making it worse. 

Airline safety. 

PUT THE MASK ON YOURSELF FIRST.

Happy holidays all!

Woot woot!

As you can see, obviously I have been super behind on my posts! Our jingle jammy ugly sweater party was great fun! Nikki had all of us over for a great night of presents and laughs. I bought some odds and end for my closest friends, and my gifts were a big hit! I love getting stuff and seeing people get happy when they open!

I bought enough Frooties to feed an army of children and turn them into rabid sugar high animals! We ended up dumping them all in a sled that Jeff bought Nikki for Christmas. It was hilarious. There is no way in hell those things will get eaten any time soon, but everyone loves them so I bought them.

I had no problems at all with not drinking that night. The night alone was fun enough for me! We all had such a great time! I've been working all week of course, so I'm super bummed out that I'm not seeing people during the day. I of course stayed out way too late each night thus I am totally tapped out this Christmas day! Ugh I could barely make it through work!

*

Christmas hasn't really felt like Christmas for me in a long time. Ever since my grandparents died, it really hasn't been the same. To tell you the truth, I don't think it will ever feel like Christmas again until I have a family of my own. Normally, I'm all giddy and excited and this year I just don't even feel like bothering. I'm not depressed or anything, I just don't have the Christmas spirit. 

I've decided I've lost entirely all faith in Santa. He brought me nothing but horrible patients to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. UGH. I seriously have not seen such debauchery in a long time. It's CHRISTMAS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUS?! Don't get me wrong, I don't at all mind when I'm busy with sick people, you know people who actually have things wrong with them?! These people are seriously starting to get to me. It makes me crazy. Unfortunately the clientele at my hospital consists of mostly over doses, drunks, drug seekers and the very elderly. I do the same patients so often, I've memorized their medical histories. Drives me crazy. I just feel like people have nothing better to do...like on a regular basis. I couldn't help but feel bad for these people. So lonely. They had to get that way some how right?

Anyway I got the usual from my parents, money. Hien is ordering my present tonight. I don't really even mind not having presents. My butt is staying in tonight and going right to bed. Everyone is out and about and I just am puttered right out! 

I'm not a total grinch today, just grouchy lol

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Merry Christmas!

Let's not do that again...

No more drinking for me, for a while.

So, I went out with a bunch of my friends Thursday night. It was so great to see everyone again! People were in from all over the US that had moved away, bright shiny smiling happy pappy faces! I do love seeing all my friends from High School. It's really crazy because even though everyone is older, we all seem to agree that we feel like nothing has changed at all

My nausea was still present with me today when I took my meds. It seems to only last a few hours in the morning, with or without food. I still don't feel like I'm that hungry anymore. I'm still doing my shakes and eating my protein bars. They're filling me up just fine.

Anxious to get out of work, I quick changed my clothes and was running to the time clock. Marissa came home from Italy and this was the first time I was going to see her! We spent like the first 40 seconds screaming and jumping up and down, like any other besties would do! There were so many others I was so happy to see while I was there. I decided to try and have a beer, which didn't work out so great. 

I have been accused of nursing my drinks, which I have no shame in doing. I don't like being out of control, I have issues. I don't like being at the mercy of someone else. The whole idea of being wasted and not knowing how I got home, or remembering things properly freaks me out. I've been over the whole black out drunk phase. I don't care if anyone else does it, I always tell my friends they don't have to explain anything to me--concerning their drinking habits or occasional reefer smokeage. As far as drugs are concerned, of course I'm going to try and deter you from using, but if you still do--keep that shit away from me!

It wasn't even half gone when I started feeling REALLY sick. I felt like I drank a whole CASE of beer! UGH. It was so bad, that I seriously don't think I'll be drinking for a long while. I really shouldn't anyway, but sometimes I cheat and do it. Not good, not good. No one really gives me crap about it either. They all pretty much respect my decisions to drink or not drink. I've been told drinking long after I take my Metformin is ok, but I'm still scared.

I'm not that sad over it really, just don't ever want to feel like nauseous grossness like that again! WOOF!

RRRRRAAAAALLLF.

As in nauseous and I want to throw up!

I began taking my medication after my appointment on Wednesday. At first I didn't feel anything funny, I read the label correctly and took it a half hour before I ate anything. As luck would have it, we were busy and I didn't have a chance to eat my protein bar until noon.

Dr. Cusimano has me on 500mg of Metformin, and I am to take 1 pill a day. Usually it's supposed to be taken 2x/day, but it could cause stomach pain and she didn't want me to over do it. I thought of stomach pain, as more of like a stomach ache. Well it isn't. It's more like dull aches around your abdomen. I began getting super nauseous that day and felt like dry heaving. 

I talked to my friend John at work about it. He's a diabetic and on Metformin and we came to the conclusion it was the Tricor. He was on Tricor for his cholesterol also, took it for a week and couldn't do it anymore. Apparently most cholesterol medications make you feel sick. It's one of those types of meds where if you start, you should try to avoid at all costs missing a dose. I'm still new to these, I've never really had to be medicated for anything before. I'm hoping that this all works.

I haven't had much of a appetite at all, not sure if that's a good or bad thing! It's just kind of hard to want to eat anything when you feel like ralfing.

Wednesday weigh in

Another weigh in!

Here we are playing the catch up game again! Lots to tell about my weigh in. So first off, I ended up gaining 1lb back. Blah. Whatever, no big deal. I'm not going to let it get me down.

Dr. Cusimano went over my lab work with me and I found out some new things. My HDL levels (which is the good cholesterol) went up, so that's fabulous. My LDL levels (lousy cholesterol) stayed exactly that...lousy. After gathering all of my labs over the past few weeks and comparing them, she came to the conclusion that this is genetic. My dad has high cholesterol as well, so there you have it. My trigylcerides were still also high. They should be around 150-200 and mine are on the edge of 300. 

She went thought this whole explanation about insulin production and out put. Because all of my other labs came back with big improvements, yet again she concluded that his was genetic. My aunt and uncle have diabetes, and I am doing everything I can go avoid it. Although she did inform me I'm NOT a diabetic, I could develop it in 5 years if I did nothing about it. Thank god I started going to her. She goes through all of my medical history very thoroughly, which my primary doctor does not do. I met a woman at the hospital who started going to Dr. Cusimano and began the program as a diabetic. She is now off of her diabetes medications and has lost over 100lbs. Super boost of confidence.

Needless to say, she prescribed me medication. I'm taking Tricor to regulate my cholesterol, and she also put me on Metformin. Metformin is a drug that is used to treat diabetes, polycystic ovarian disease and other conditions. Wait, what?! I thought you said I WASN'T a diabetic! That's right, I'm not. She has me starting Metformin to regulate my insulin. I read online that people also use it as a form of appetite suppressant. Your body released insulin to break down sugars in your body. Apparently with excess insulin in your blood stream, hunger is associated with it. We'll see how it works out!

Nurse visit this Wednesday. I'll keep you posted!

The girl with the protein shake

Hmm...wonder what kind of book that would make!

Tonight I met up with Rhonda before I go back to work tomorrow...well today lol. It was a really nice visit! She comea home from North Carolina for the holidays, and we always make a point to see each other. Usually we go for a bite to eat, just dessert or a movie. Tonight we did dinner and a movie. We went to Lost Dog for dinner, yum! While we were there, we got to catch up some with Robb and do a gift exchange I love Harry Potter, so much that I've gone to see the past six movies ag midnight on opening night! Crazy, I know but it has been worth it! She got me the coolest gifts! A HP tote bag and my very own Hogwarts acceptance letter! I almost died!

We chit chatted over our yummy dinners. I got ravioli and she got a grilled chicken sandwich. Rhonda just has gastric bypass surgery in August, so this is the first time I've seen her. 71lbs lighter and looking fabulous! I have to admit, I was nervous about eating dinner with her. She can't eat much, so I didn't want to sit and stuff my face and her not have anything to do. I should have known that this wouldn't be an issue with her at all, but in the past it was really fun and nice to savor and enjoy food together. I'm greatful she understands and knows first hand what I'm going through!

We went to the sneak preview of "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", and it was really a great flick. But as luck would have it, we were surrounded by complete idiots! I'm just glad the movie was as good as the book and European version--or else there would have been BIG words with hmm let's see the couple kciking our seats or the rude guy in front of us that told us basically to STFU lol.

Anyway we had a really super visit. I of course noticed her weight loss right away, she really does look awesome. This is the first time I've seen her this small, I can't believe it! Rhonda did point out the changes in my face and my stomach pouch looks like it's deflating. Thank God! I hate my pouch and my muffin too! Hopinv to say bye bye to them real soon! Weigh in is today with Docot C! Wish me luck!

Retail suicide

...

I got this great idea to go out today to pick up a few odds and ends. I headed over to Maines to pick up some party supplies for Friday night, and to my surprise apparently PEOPLE DON'T WORK DURING THE DAY. I mean what the hell! Probably last minute shopping in preparation for the holidays but jeez. And it's not only this week that I've noticed it! On my weeks off, I go out and about to catch up on my errands and I see LOADS of people out during the day. WHAT'S WITH THAT?! A few years ago, it wasn't like this at all. I'd go out to a store before work and it would be near dead. You would most certainly not have noticed our nation was in such an economic abyss if you were out at all today...

Needless to say Maines was my only stop. The traffic was horrible. Granted I guess I can cut some slack by pointing out school/college is out, people have probably taken off for vacation, and everyone home to visit didn't help. It's always risky attempting to go out this time of year...but alas I have a few more odds and ends to pick up before I start my work week on Wednesday. 

Speaking of which, I'm not entirely loathing the idea of going back this week. I'd rather be out of the crowds and into a controlled environment. The holidays aren't bad at all at work. Everyone seems to be in good spirits as far as the staff, which is always a good thing. I especially feel bad for the patients that are there spending their holiday with strangers. I brought a fruit box in last week for the department. A little Vitamin C and power fruits couldn't hurt anyone, especially seeing as everyone has been abusing their bodies lol. That was my contribution to our holiday party...if I had waited until this week, the fruit would have been over ripe yuck. 

Venturing out tomorrow, wish me luck!

Burrrrrrr

12 degree weather, is really not my thing.

This weekend was pretty fun. Lots of my friends have been slowly making their way back home for the holidays. Last night I ventured out to watch some football and see our friend's band play. It was so much fun, more fun than I've had in a really long time! Hoping next weekend will be even better!

Speaking of burrrrrr, have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation when you run into someone you don't want to talk to? Yeah, welcome to my world. I guess it's not that I didn't want to talk to this "old friend" last night, I just really have NOTHING to say to them. About five years ago, I was roped into a pretty nasty bad situation with a few of these "friends". One by one they ripped me apart verbally in front of a bar full of people, leaving me looking like a big fat jerk. It was a big misunderstanding. We were planning a trip to go to Florida, and I wanted to get a gym membership to lose some weight. No big deal. I had mentioned that we all should go together, because we've all put on some extra. Big mistake apparently. When it got back around to a specific person, they blew it out of proportion and intended to make a huge spectacle out of it. The next one picked me apart for things I had said about her years ago--that honestly weren't even hurtful. So while I stood there in the middle of a crowd getting bitched at by two girls, the other one stood idly and silent. I got up in her face and said "Okay, what's your bitch with me?" and she replied "I have no complaints with you." 

I don't know what's colder. The fact that she knew what was going to happen that night and didn't warn me, or the fact that she let these two girls rip me to pieces and not do anything about it. So I ask again, why do you think I want to talk to you now? It's literally been YEARS  since I've even spoken to her. I've just realized in my life that some "friends" you just grow apart from. My particular "place" in that group was wearing thin, for the simple fact that I didn't see eye to eye with them anymore. I am no longer associated with people who take sick satisfaction of watching people suffer. I don't take pleasure into making other people feel bad, making a spectacle of someone. 

The last thing one of the girls said to me was this:

"You know what Thao, I'm not gonna feel bad for you, when you're sitting alone at home on your couch and have nothing to do because you're lonely. This is not fucking high school anymore so you should stop running your fucking mouth, you have no friends."

My reply was simply this...

"You're stupid to think I have no other friends. I'm not like you bitches. If this is what "real friends" do to you, then it's better I'm walking away."

I never heard from her again. I really meant what I said. I did run into the other girl a few years ago, ironically on her birthday. I was drunk and at Denny's with my friends after an amazing night. I saw them and kept walking, only to have one of the girls (we don't have a problem with each other whatsoever) call me out. So I walked over to the table, asked how they were doing and made sure I wished the other one a happy birthday. BAM. That's how I roll. She of course said thank you, but I could tell from the look on her face that was the last thing she thought I'd say to her. Not so tough without the other girl are you?

Some people let their cruel coldness take over them. I'm not that kind of a person. I'll be civil to you, perfectly nice as far as you can tell. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I want a damn thing to do with you. My pet peeve is when someone KNOWS they have wronged you, and acts like NOTHING happened. It's not my job to make you feel okay with the shit you've done, it's my job to remind you I'm doing just fine.

The best revenge, is living well.

Nerdilicious

Techilicious, they all make me go loco!

I NABBED IT! First one in my local Verizon store to get my paws on a Galaxy Nexus! Ohhh the satisfaction! I can't even tell you all how bad I needed a new phone! I am a huge fan of Android and Google. It all makes my life so much easier! Not knocking or talking down to Apple users (unlike LOTS of techies out there), but I really think that everyone should get a phone that works for them--whatever preference that may be!

It feels good to lose 10lbs, and to gain a super gadget!

I'm all about positive reinforcement. Not that we don't all deserve things sometime, but it feels so rewarding and so much better when you work to earn it. I've always considered myself an extremely hard worker. If I ever wanted anything, I would find out how to get it and then work my butt off until I did! Losing 10lbs is AMAZINGLY HARD WORK, but baby it was worth it! 

I'm even more excited in picking out something else for my next reward! I'm thinking by 20lbs, I should reward myself and go on a  super fun vacation. I don't really need to lose another 10lbs to do that, but I'll definitely go all out just because it will be an entirely different experience. 20lbs lighter, and ready and able to have so much more fun on trips---it's hard to believe more fun is possible!

This week has been incredibly amazing and rewarding. My best friend Marissa is heading home from Italy tomorrow, FINALLY! I can't wait to see her, and hear all of her crazy and amazing stories. I'd like to go on a European tour vacation, once my health is at it's peak. I'd like to venture out, go hiking, site seeing and knock some countries off my bucket lists. Rhonda is also making her way home soon, and I'm super excited about that! Rhonda has been on her own journey, I'm glad to have a friend that knows and truly understands what I'm going through. Over all, this week has been one of the best! Lost 10lbs, got a new phone, and all my favorite people are coming home to share the holidays!

Happy 10 to me!

My first reward!

Not that losing 10lbs ins't rewarding enough, I decided a long time ago that I'd get myself a new schnazzy phone! Wouldn't you know I'm just in luck?! I've been keeping my eye on the Samsung Galaxy Nexus forever it seems like. This new kick butt phone is rocking the brand spankin' new Android 4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich! Ice Cream Sandwich is the new upgraded interface for Android. For all my Droidies out there, this is the mother load of all mother loads! My HTC Incredible is running 2.3 Gingerbread. I fell in love with Android ever since I picked up this phone. It's super user friendly, and because it's powered by Google all my accounts are instantly synced and has super fun advantages.

My inner geek is unleashing. I'm drooling at just the thought of getting my paws on this phone! The only thing I'm a little worried about is the size. My Incredible is very comparable in size to the iPhone 4, just a wee bit slimmer. The Nexus has a much larger crisp face and a slight curve to the screen. We'll see how well the conversion goes. It was rumored to be released in November, then early December, last week and now Verizon has officially confirmed it goes on sale tomorrow! Shrieks of excitement over here! 

I'm all for finding phones that suite the owners. Unlike super nerdy nerds, I don't discriminate against iPhone or BB users. Who cares. I'm just saying that everyone should find things that work for them. I would lose it, if I didn't have a smart phone. Literally go bat shit crazy. I use my phone for everything. I like to think of it as my "muggle wand". Ha ha, super nerdilicious entry tonight! My local Verizon store opens up tomorrow at 9am, and guess who will be anxiously waiting in her car? That store better be ready, because I am bound and determined to get my hands on one!

Let's just hope that all the research I've been doing has paid off, and the thing actually does come out tomorrow. If all else fails and it doesn't, I can go Christmas shopping instead!

It's a 10!

10!

I finally did it! I LOST 10 POUNDS! Today I was confident that I had a lost a few, but in fact I ended up losing 3! My running total is now 10lbs and I can't tell you how excited and happy I am! The past few weeks have been a complete struggle. I'm not going to lie. My appointment today marked 10 weeks since I've started the program. Originally the office targeted me to lose 1-2lbs per week, meaning I'm right on schedule. It did frustrate me that a few weeks I only lost a few pounds just to gain them back. When I started, I dropped quickly, now it seems my plateau has tapered off and I'm back on track!

10lbs! I've been told there are 3,500 calories in 1lb. If that is correct, that means I've had to burn 35,000 calories! I'm amazed! What a day! Upon leaving I picked up some new double peanut butter protein bars, and I'm hoping they're really tasty! I had two really hard holidays to get through. The holy mother ship of candy and the over eaters holiday! I'm not too worried about Christmas. Everyone always makes like mounds and mounds of cookies, but I haven't really been into eating cookies lately. 

Why is that anyway? Why does everyone make colossal giant tins full of freaking cookies!? I don't get it. It really makes me think when I break it down. I get the whole let's leave cookies for Santa, but do you really need 18 dozen?! Probably not. It's completely evident that everyone feels bad about those damn Christmas cookies, or else gym memberships wouldn't sky rocket in January! What's with the cookies?!

Just for fun, I love it!

Pro, pro, protein!

I love my protein bars.

This whole week (and probably from here on out) the department has been filled with really bad sweets. They always do an employee appreciation dinner for holidays, which consists of kind of gross stuff. It's free, so I mean what can you expect? The dinners usually consist of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, sweet potatoes or another veggie, a drink, dinner roll and dessert usually pie. That's A LOT of food! I wasn't hungry at all today, not that the food was that appealing. I sat and ate my protein bar while everyone else mowed down their grub. A couple people asked me why I wasn't eating, and I told them I was...my protein bar!

I really like my mint chocolate crunch protein bar. It is packed with 13g of protein, 2 sugars and 8g of fiber. It isn't a large protein bar by any means, but surprisingly does the job. I don't feel like I need something sweet, because the bar already is! If I can get my protein at the same time, why not! 

Today went by painfully slow. I was counting down the hours to skid out of there. The other day, I had a patient who was quite large. She was probably 375/380lbs. While I was getting her medical history, she kept apologizing to me because she was big. I've always wondered why people apologize for their weight. She wasn't able to ambulate so we had to slide her over. It's not such a big deal because we get help of course, but I mean it does take a toll on your back after a while. Anyway, when we got finished with her exam she asked where her wallet was. We looked around on the stretcher for it, but in all honesty she took up most of it. My nurse lifted up the sheet to find the wallet wedged in between her legs stuck. After getting her wallet out so she had it safely in her hands, she started crying. I felt so bad for her. Being overweight is a pandemic. Food addiction, is just like any other addiction. 

Speaking of addictions, overweight and obese people are not the only ones to apologize. I've done several alcoholics that come in for detox and they constantly apologize. Living with an addiction is serious. No matter what scale it may be. These are or once were good people, just like you and me. They need help. I don't look down upon those who seek to help themselves, and neither should anyone else. What have you done to better yourself? 

Going through this weight loss process has given me so much more meaning to my life. I was chit chatting with a friend of mine during lunch today about weight. She had lost quite a bit of weight after a bad relationship. It was funny because she said she had more stress in the relationship, than when she got out of it! Her weight came off and if that's not LITERALLY screaming it was a bad situation, I don't know what would! After she initially lost, she found out she was diabetic. I totally support her in all of her endeavors in her health. She looks great and is healthier than I've known her to be. I can't help but think after hearing her story, if I'll drop off more weight as I deal with my baggage. Hmm...guess we'll have to see!

Another delayed post

You know what that means!

This weekend was packed with just about everything fun! Well...mostly fun! I got to spend time with my friends, catch up on things and squeeze in an Ithaca trip to watch the Jones UFC 140 fight! People at work think I'm crazy for going out after working such long hours, but I have to have a life! I figure that I spend literally half of my life at work. That's 26 weeks out of the year. I spend more time with people I work with, than I do with my family and friends. So there's my number one reason, to bite the bullet and squeeze in some super fun adventures!

I'm surprised at how fast this week has gone by. There have been tons of crazy patients, and worst of all we had a full moon with a freaking lunar eclipse on Saturday...UGH! Marissa was heading back to Brooklyn for week, so I had to squeeze in as much time as I could with her. Even though most of my friends will be back next week, I try and spend as much time as possible with them. I drove up to Ithaca on Saturday, nuts right? I had no problems getting there, it was nice just to relax and spend fight night with great familiar faces. 

This weekend was a bit weird for me. I'm starting to notice I'm not craving the stuff I used to. Usually, the weekends are pretty bad as far as food is concerned. Custom is to order out. Big bad ideas. It's usually Chinese, Italian, or bar food. Everyone got their grub this weekend, and it really didn't bother me too much. My schnozer is changing too. Certain smells of food don't appeal to me anymore. It's crazy, but fruit and vegetables taste better to me now!? How does that work? 

Crossing my fingers that this weeks weigh in will be better. I just don't want to gain anything. My back has been hurting me pretty bad lately. We do a lot of lifting and sliding around patients and it is definitely catching up with me. I've been working for five years and I can already feel how jacked up my back is. I'm afraid to go to the chiropractor...I've heard horror stories. I guess it's supposed to get work before it gets better? Is that true? Is anyone else terrified of getting their necks and backs twisted, and that you'll JERK the moment they twist it and then YOU DIE?! Maybe I'm exaggerating, but my plan is to take it easy on my week off. If it doesn't stop hurting, maybe I'll get a massage and when all else fails...go to get twisted like a pretzel. EEEEEEK!

Christmas is next week, how did this happen?!

Let them eat cake

BUT I SHALL REFRAIN!

Everyday since I've been back to work this week (which is only TWO days), they've had cake! Stop the madness! One of our students brought in a cheesecake he made, and today they had a sheet cake for one of the girls. Most everyone knows in my department about the program I'm on, and can you believe my coworkers kept taunting me to eat the freaking cake?! The first day I had a protein bar and soup for lunch. Cheesecake isn't really my favorite, and honestly I wasn't tempted to eat any of it. EVERYONE but like two people in the room kept telling me "a slice wouldn't hurt". You wanna bet? I eat my lunch at 1:00pm everyday, and usually only my friend Cris is at lunch at the same time. Everyone seems to pile in the break room during that time, and watches me eat. WTF. So today I came skipping down the hallway with my salad and grapes to find there was ANOTHER cake on the table! Do we seriously need cake everyday?! 

Anyone that knows me, knows I don't like icing and I never have. I either scrape it off or don't make cakes with icing period. This cake had gobs of peanut butter frosting and chocolate all over it. Even though I really like peanut butter and chocolate, the sight of this overly decadent cake was enough to make me want to hurl. I am still feeling a little queasy...maybe I did get that bug. So again, I was confronted with the immense peer pressure to cheat.

"Have some cake Thao! It needs to be gone by tonight so help yourself, it's so good! You know you want some! Take a whiff!" 

"Gee thanks! Your encouragement leading me to cardiac arrest is super touching!"

Bahh hahaha! Not my real response. My real response was "I don't need anymore fat on my ass." Typical Thao statement. LOL Needless to say they backed off, probably because I made them feel guilty for eating it too! It's not really the sweets that have been tempting me, I'd like to have a few drinks. It's hard to go out with my friends, watching them drink cocktails and beer. UGH. It's SO not worth it for me, super empty calories that make a big difference in my weigh ins each week. I guess it's the feeling of having a bottle or glass in your hand? I don't know. I've been known to totally nurse any drink that I have. Again, I never was a big drinker. It's just one of those things I'm going to have to get used to. 

With the holidays coming on fast, I know I'm going to have to resist the urge to cheat--but I'm pretty sure I already have it under control. 

So take your damn cake and eat it too! :D

Snowy mess

It finally happened...

Globs of HUGE snow started to fall down mid day, when it transformed from the copious amounts of rain that plagued this city. UGH. What a day. On my way to my appointment this morning, traffic was backed up on the freeway for two miles. Might not seem like a long way, but at 7am it is! I slowly creeped up to the scene and discovered a bumper randomly in the middle of the road, and an SUV against the guardrail. ONE car screwed it up for all of us. Aye yai yai. Being from the Northeast, I can confidently say that all the idiot drivers of America come out when it rains. Disagree? You think they come out in the snow? No, no. You were wrong. They definitely come out in the rain. 

Luckily I got to my appointment on time. It wasn't with Dr. Cusimano, just a nurse visit. I woke up this morning not feeling well at all. When I got to the office, she called me back and I was dizzy and felt like I had to vomit. NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT. I really hate when everyone asks you that when they find out you have a urge to vomit---no matter what time of day it is. Have you ever taken vitamins on an empty stomach? I had that feeling...but I had not taken my vitamins yet at the time. A lovely bug has been going around apparently. I'm pretty sure I didn't get it, or I would have been sick the entire day at work. Alas, I went in early, ate my breakfast and then threw up before my shift. I felt fine the rest of the day, so I'm not sure what that whole fiasco was about. 

I apparently was too confident about my 2lbs. I didn't lose anything, nor gain. Stand still for this week. It's good considering my monthly friend came along to pay me a visit this morning. Anyway, needless to say I'm glad I didn't gain. 

When the rain eventually turned into huge blobs of snowy white crap, I was less than thrilled. We've made out like bandits this winter so far, but we all are guessing it's going to be harsh this year. Our area has been devastated with a massive flood that hit not too long ago. People are still without homes, any sort of normalcy in their lives, and not many places or options to turn to for help. Most all big organizations around our area pitch in best they can, but I can't help but feel terrible for those out there that were struck by the flood. So sad. Now that I've said that,  I feel really guilty about my snow brush story. I went out to my snow covered car to leave work, went through my ENTIRE car to discover my snow brush vanished. It probably was so scared from the beating it took last year, it ran off with those lonely socks you see randomly on the side of the road. Wherever you are old blue brush, I hope you get to rest your bristles. In mid sweep (I had to use my sleeve of my jacket to wipe off the snow on my car) I took this opportunity to go to one of my favorite places in all the land...you guessed it--TARGET! I got a giant red snow brush that can reach out and sweep my entire windshield! I actually made it out of that place under $100! Picked up a copy of The Help and Friends with Benefits, both which are great movies. I did LOVE the book The Help much more than the movie, but the movie was still good.

And so my friends, that's my entry for today. I'm now off to the land of detergent and scrubs!

RAWR!

STOMACH GRUMBLES.

For some odd reason, my abdomen has been screaming, seriously. The past few days have been really bizarre. I'm beginning to tell the difference between actually being hungry, and thinking I'm hungry. I haven't been particularly hungry at all, so why do my intestines insist on making such a fuss? 

I went to get more blood work today. Getting blood drawn doesn't really bother me, but I feel like I'm being DRAINED too often lol. After checking into registration, I walked over to the lab and took a seat. One of the girls in the back of the lab was commenting about how tired she was, and how her eyes hurt. I slowly looked up and around at everyone else in the room, and no one seemed to notice or care. Maybe it's because they botched up my arm that time, but I definitely did not want someone with TIRED HURTING EYES to stab my arm. Luckily, I got the wide awake and attentive girl. She got me in one stick!

So I'm sitting there at the little chair with my arm propped up, when my grumbling stomach starts talking. It was so loud and noticeable, the lab girl gave me a coupon for the cafeteria when I left. WTF lol. I did have fasting blood work, but I promise you I'm not dying of hunger! Speaking of coupons, I think it's hilarious when patients actually REQUEST to have one. For most CT Scans with IV contrast, we require our patients to fast. Since when does ANY place facilitate patients with meals for showing up and getting their test done?! These people ARE NOT CHILDREN, I refuse to REWARD grown ass people for coming in and getting a test done.  If you give a mouse a cookie I guess...

Tomorrow I'm in for another appointment. I'm pretty sure and confident that I at least lost 2lbs. We'll have to wait and see though. I'll ask Dr. Cusimano about my abdomen and hope there's a reason. I don't feel sick, my stomach doesn't hurt, I'm not hungry and I don't need to go to the bathroom. Weird. One thing is for sure, you can bet your ass I won't be asking for a coupon at my appointment tomorrow!

Grapples!

Fuji apples, that taste like Concord grapes!

Stroke of genius. Saturday night I went over to Laura's to get ready for our party. We chit chatted over doing our hair and make up, when she told me about Grapples. At first I was skeptical, until she described them to me. I was in luck, I had to go grocery shopping today at Wegmans and picked up some. OMG. They are delish. I'm in love with them! 

Grapples don't have any extra added sugar in them. What they do, is harvest Fuji apples. The apple skins on this particular kind of apples, are well suited for the grape juice soaking. They have permeable skins that allow the apples to naturally absorb the juice. Stroke of genius. The flavor isn't too over powering, it's a nice melody of enough apple and grape!

Grapples!

I am thoroughly convinced that if Wegmans and Target had a shopping plaza love child, I'd never leave. Wegmans literally has everything...and you all know how I feel about Target. I don't often feel guilty at all about spending money at Wegmans. I know that the items carried, are quality and fresh. I love putting around the produce section. I've recently discovered that I really like arugula! The bitter tasting greens have never appealed to me much before, ahh but yes arugula tastes nutty and delish! Mixed with a light vinaigrette and I'm in rabbit food heaven!

Tomorrow I have to go and get some blood work done. I hate to go to my place of work on my day off, but alas I need to have my results in for my Wednesday morning appointment. It's ok, right down the street there's a jeweler. I need to get my Toy Watch sized! YAY! 

My dad came home from Jersey with loads of fresh produce and stuff from the Asian market. I'm excited to go home and see what he picked up. I miss my dad when he's away, he's the only person in my house that makes anything fun! I'm going to try and convince him tomorrow that my Toy Watch needs a sibling named Michael Kors. One can only hope!

Is this real life?

Sadly, I think it is.

I wrote a huge long post about being upset that I chose not to post. In respect to those involved, and honestly--it made me feel better just to write about it. I went out last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. I pretty much made a point to make an appearance and then left after. I haven't been feeling so great physically or in the mood to be happy pappy. 

I've felt like for a really long time that I don't matter. That nothing in my life really matters to anyone but me. My life hasn't been horrible, not even that close. There are just things that I wish were different. Recent events have made me realize why I feel like I can't rely on anyone. Everyone else's problems are always more important than mine. I've been conditioned to put my own feelings, emotions, and problems on the back burner. Where they slowly simmer until all them evaporate and leave the pan with nothing but an ugly burnt char mark. Don't get me wrong, I have other people in my family and life I can turn to. Not that I don't appreciate them, I just feel like the people that it should matter to--disregard me entirely. 

And the ones who do it, are the exact ones who shouldn't. For years I've been feeling like the "glue" that held everything together. When things became somewhat salvageable, it's like everyone forgot what I had done to make things work. Everything went back to "normal" and no one could understand why I am so angry. You can't just push things on one person and make them carry it. Without so much as a thank you, or even a mention of it at all. I'm not really looking for gratitude, I just want them to return the favor. I had to put things in my life aside, to take care of things IN OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. So that we could somewhat function and try to be a family. We all do things that we believe are "the right things to do" in times of need, but I won't ever volunteer to do it again.

Sometimes I just need to call up and have nothing but a conversation to vent. Where the other person on the line is supposed to listen, agree with me that the situation isn't right or fair--not make me feel worse about it and tell me that it's my fault I live a f*$%!* up life. Han once told me that "cancerous" people need to be cut out of your life, just like if you have cancer in your body. But what do you do, when the cancerous people are in your family?

I've been calculating my escape to a new life for a while now. I want to have the freshest start I can. Starting a new life being healthy inside and out, confident, happy and fulfilled. This does not include some people. It's like that line from that Dylan song:

"When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,

look out your window and I'll be gone.

You're the reason I'm a travellin' on

but don't think twice,

it's all right."

My mother always says that I'll "appreciate" her too late when she's gone and dead. I wonder who will appreciate me and things I've done, when I've set out to live a life of my own that doesn't include them? 

Just for the record, I am NOT suicidal lol.

Every bit counts!

Boy, I need to keep up with my posts!

I forgot to post my entry yesterday, so I'm just going to combine it with this one. Life does get in the way, but if you intend to do something---you should follow through! Rhonda and I were chatting away on the phone today, and she mentioned I forgot to post what I had lost this week. I didn't disregard putting it in my entry because I was ashamed, per say...I  just didn't think that one measly pound was worth writing about.

In all actuality it does! She pointed out that even if I lost one pound a week for the next year, that's 52lbs total. When she put it in terms of that, I saw the light! I worked really hard not to gain any weight during Thanksgiving...and I didn't! Most people on average gain about what? At least 2-3lbs from that day alone. Between all the food, drinking, sleeping and then eating all over  again it adds up. I'm hoping to have lost more weight this week, and keep on keepin' on!

There have been so many benefits around the area lately. A few months ago, our area was devastated by a flood that was worse than the one in 2006. It wiped out several homes and left businesses in the area even more so devastated. I'm really proud of our community. Donating and helping complete strangers off the street. That's why it's so important to give back...because you never know when you may need the help of others. I'm all about paying it forward. It's a great thing to be able to help out people who genuinely need it. Toys for tots has their annual benefits each December. I didn't dare venture out to those functions tonight, too busy and I just don't feel well enough to go--but you can count on me to donate!


So it's this concept of every bit counts, that I really should be applying to myself. Maybe it's just getting used to the concept that I am succeeding...no matter how small or minuscule it may feel at the time. Every bit of weight I drop off, definitely counts. It all counts in the bigger scheme of things! I'm going to go on Amazon to find some sugar free syrup I can mix with my shakes. I can get a hold of "staple" sugar free syrup flavors, but someone at the office told me about Marshmallow syrup. Holy mother of goodness that sounds fab!

Anything that is positive adds up to one big smiley face.

Another lesson I'm taking on the road with me! :)

World's AIDS Day

Inspi(RED)

December is an especially important month for me, not because of the holidays but because December 1 is Worlds AIDS Day. In my line of work, I have met many HIV positive people. I'm not going to lie, it is completely heart breaking. It is still difficult for me to understand and grasp a world with such technology, to not have a cure for HIV AIDS or CANCER. It's seriously mind boggling to me.

I encourage all my readers to throw support out this month. Find a cause that you believe in, and take some sort of action. Whether it be donating if you can, brushing up on reading or reaching out to someone in need. I can't help but feel guilty sometimes, complaining about things that really are insignificant, compared to the troubles of others. I commend anyone who stands up and supports something they believe in, whether or not I agree with them. 

Last night I got a little crazy during an online feud. My local news station had posts up about supporting gay marriage. It makes me completely infuriated reading "debates" about gay marriage. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a big supporter. I have lots of gay friends, actually more like an army. I was lucky enough to have been raised by very loving and accepting people. They passed onto me the ability to have LOVE for anyone I choose to bestow it upon. Okay, so I probably shouldn't have taken the bait and read it...because I got into multiple arguments with people. Anyway, I guess my point of even bringing it up is this: if you're going to form a public opinion to debate---you better know all your ins and outs and defend your view. Get out of the kitchen baby! I am actually proud to say, that a lot of the comments written were pro gay marriage and written very eloquently.

For more information on AIDS please visit AIDS.GOV or Join(RED) for a cause!

P.S. this post was supposed to be up last night and I forgot!
Submitting another post later tonight for today's lol