On track, I think...

just don't know which one!

I've been a big fat cheater. I haven't been sticking to my regiment very well at all. This week I have my appointment with Dr. Cusimano and I need to get labs redrawn to see if the Tricor is working or not. Do you know how ridiculous taking my vitamins every day is?! I take like a container full in the morning with the rest of my pills. I have become a pill popper. It's disgusting lol.

For some lazy ass reason, I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should. I left my container at work in my locker, so apparently in my mind it constituted me not to have to take them at all on my week off! I REALLY need to get on this, because it'll throw off the rest of my lab work. It just still kind of worries me about it. B12 turns your urine neon yellow, but it also makes me just think I'm peeing excess vitamins out. Which is probably true to some extent. I feel better after I get my shots at the office, and that way I'm ensured to have vitamins in my system. 

I'm hoping to have lost the weight I put back on. My running total of weight gain has been four pounds. Hoping to have lost at least two of them if not more by Wednesday. I have an early morning appointment before work, so that's cool I guess. It'll set the bar if I'm having a good day or not. These weekly meetings are definitely keeping me in check. I can see why her patients need to come back on such a regular basis. There's too much temptation to deviate from the program if you don't go on a weekly basis. I haven't seen Jen at the office in a while, and I'm hoping that she didn't leave. I really liked her as one of my nurses, and I haven't made up my mind about the new one. I like that Cody and Jen both are young women around the same age as me. They both have been on the program and can directly relate to things. I can appreciate and trust people more if they've been through similar things I have, I mean isn't that how everyone is?

So my health insurance has this stupid wellness program incentive. In order to get a smaller premium on our insurance, it requires us to take part in this thing. It is a total joke. I went along with it just because what did I have to lose?! It's about $15 less a month for insurance and as long as you're in good health, you don't need a health coach. My old health coach Mary was awesome. She was young in age and we talked about a lot of things. How to cope with stress and weight loss and other stuff. Basically in order to take part in the wellness program you need to have biometric testing done. This included getting labs drawn and evaluated, weight, height and BMI measurements and other stupid tests. It puts you graphed out on a scale, and if you fall into the "unhealthy" range you're pretty much fucked. After they have determined you in need of life style coaching, you are paired up with a coach who calls you EVERY WEEK and talks to you about lame ass shit. The whole thing is such a farse. Like seriously? I could lie through my teeth to these people about what I'm doing and I'm following all of these stupid modules they give you. YEAH modules, meaning you have to do homework for this crap. What doesn't make any sense to me at all is, once you're on this thing they don't require you to have any additional tests done to see if you're improving...

This is what kills me. Blue Cross Blue Shield gives you a sign on for this wellness program. So you go through and after you do all this crap with your doctor, you have to do a survey online. It asks you questions about how many times you exercise, how many times you eat out, your stress level and if you've had any deaths in the past year and how many. Apparently it scaled me as "SUICIDAL" because I had more than two deaths of people I knew in a year's span. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE ME SUICIDAL?! It said I was at risk for falling into a great depression and not being able to come out of it, risk of being an alcoholic, drug addict, I was at risk for a whole bunch of other crap too but that suicidal one topped the cake! I mean what! Maybe I just know a lot of old people who die, or other people that have had recent tragedies in their lives! Talk about judging. 

I'm probably going to fall into the category of health risk and they'll assign me a coach again. I'm going to try and get out of it, because the help I'm getting at Dr. Cusimano's is more than I'll ever get from that ridiculous wellness program. We'll see how things pan out. After getting my lab work and stuff done this week, I'll have to find out when she's going to draw again. If it's before March, then I'll just wait to use those labs. Maybe they can save me from needed to participate in this crap. Speaking of health insurance shit, I work in healthcare and I always wonder WHY my insurance is so shitty. My dad works in a factory and gets better benefits than I do! Whatever, it's all about money money money in healthcare. They can't get money out of the government from Medicaid patients, so they have to find other ways to milk money right out of their employees. FRUSTRATING! I don't usually get into politics on here, but I hope Obama seriously can fix this healthcare issue. He's been getting beaten to a freaking pulp ever since he's been in office. Considering the shape it was in when he took it, I think he's doing extremely well. I'm rooting for him again in this next election, I just have to hope that the rest of America can get someone worthy of being our President in. Maybe putting my faith in the rest of America is dangerous, after all it's only our fault Bush ran two terms. Ew.

Anyway...my appetite hasn't been incredibly outrageous or anything. I haven't really been that super hungry at all. But when I do get hungry, I probably shouldn't snack on the crap that I do! I'm getting back on track, I have to. October is a long shot away, but I really want to look amazing for Han's wedding.. I want to look really good by summer too! Hopefully this will be the first summer in a long time where I'm not too self conscious about wearing shorts or a bathing suit in front of my friends. I'm getting there, Robb says I look smaller every time I see him and I know he wouldn't lie to me about it. I just got my W2 finally in the mail, so I'm going to be busy making my tax appointment with my financial advisor, getting onto the 20lb mark and patiently waiting until I can buy my Nintendo 3DS!

Give back Sunday

Tons of benefits going on this Sunday!

Nikki called me up this afternoon to see if I had any plans, which I didn't! I like my lazy Sundays just hanging around. Nikki works at a local daycare and there was a benefit going on today for one of the kids there. Elias is I believe 11 months old and has been battling some major health issues. He had a brain tumor I think? Sorry Nikki, it was a lot to remember what this kid has been through! His brain now has fused prematurely and needs some major surgery to ensure his brain is growing properly.

I was so amazed and happy that the place was packed there! It was a $10 cover which included a spaghetti dinner. There were about 100 gift baskets that had some awesome loot in it for raffles. Lots of things were donated from the community and all of the supporting parents and workers at the daycare. It made me feel really good to have went and contributed toward such a worthy cause. Benefits for health complications especially are close to my heart, considering I see and know what these children or people have to go through. It is not cheap by any stretch, which is even more heart breaking because lots of these cases are not a one time repair. Laura and Jake also met us there, so it was a really nice night. We only stayed for a few hours, but it was worth it.

Next weekend is the super bowl, and I have to work. Woof. I always have to work on the worst weekends. Story of my freaking life. Whatevs. I don't get out until 9pm, so by then I'm sure the crew will have some kind of solidified plans. Maybe we'll just go to Tully's for the game. Erik invited us all to his house, but I'm not so sure who all is going. I just want to be able to show up in my scrubs and chill out. Shake and Marissa will be home this coming weekend, so it'll be nice to see them. It's always weird when they're not around, it feels like years whenever they don't come home! Thank god for phones so we can keep in touch. Some weekends are better than others, but I've had a rough emotional crazy ass couple of days.

Don't need nothin' but a good time!

YAY!

Finally was able to get together with my Mo's this weekend and have a great time. Stan has been one of my closest friends for a few years now. We met through a mutual friend Robb and have been close ever since. He has the best advice and is really fun to just hang out with. 

Robb has been all over the place lately. He's going to beauty school to get his cosmo license and will be finally done in the upcoming months. He since has gotten a job downtown as a hostess and has moved home to save money. I'm super proud of him! Robb is one of those people that are just destined to do great things but was stuck in a bit of a rut for a few years. With some support from friends and family I feel like he's exactly where he should be. Because both of our schedules are nuts, we finally had a chance to get together on Friday. Something about hanging out with my gay friends does something crazy to me. I always seem to end up drunker than I had anticipated. They get crazy and know how to show everyone a good time. I feel like most of the gay community is so open and accepting that I feel very comfortable around them. We like to dance crazy and have a lot of fun! Stan and I had a long crazy story exchange, which really made me feel a ton better. It's nice to know that you're not the only crazy person out there in the world. I'm not going to air his dirty laundry or mine for that matter on here, but I'm so glad we got together and were able to semi commiserate with each other I guess haha!

Patty also came into town this weekend! I met Patty through some mutual friends that actually met her on Xbox Live. NERDS. Anyway, I'm glad they did because Patty is a riot. She has to be one of my favorite people in the world! I swung over to Sean's apartment and we spent the whole night chatting it up and having fun. I am a huge Nintendo junkie. Everyone was drinking, but I decided not to--I drank enough the night before lol. Patty didn't want to make me feel left out so she let me play her Nintendo DS. Now she's created a monster! I was sitting playing it for most of the night and everyone kept laughing because of the faces I was making while playing. It's so addicting. I do believe, I just found my 20lb weight loss gift to myself. It's similar to how the Wii interface looks, but I can watch Netflix and everything on it. Looks like I won't be killing the battery on my phone anymore! Super excited! Patty had the Nintendo 3DS, so I think I'll go with that one. It seems to be the newest one out.

This weekend made me feel like such a kid. Going crazy with my friends and nerding it up!

Hope floats.

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Something always makes me gravitate back to it, when I need a good laugh, cry or just have the security in knowing things will pass. Thing have been a little bit up and down on me. Not only my weight, but I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and ready to get off. Too many things have gone on lately that make me question if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing, am I making the right decisions and if I'm ready to let go of things and people.

Who knew that losing weight could take such an emotional toll on you? I've wrote before about how it's pretty common for overweight people to use it as almost a barrier to physically and emotionally protect them. To some, this may sound crazy but it makes perfect sense to me. It amazes me how so many things stem from our appearance and are connected with our psyche. How did we get this way? Right from birth the first thing you comment on a baby is how cute they are. I'm not one of those people that will tell you how cute your kid is, when they're not. I wouldn't tell you they're ugly either, I just wouldn't comment at all! I've always been told that old wives rhyme "homely in the cradle, pretty at the table", but not all cute adorable babies end up fugly in their adult lives either. It all stems right from the beginning. When relatives come over and comment to your parents how pretty you're getting or how you'll hit a growth spurt and don't worry about being short, or it's just baby weight you'll thin out. What the hell! I hope when I become an Auntie that I will remember not to comment at all on these things---because I'm starting to correlate early childhood trauma with adult issues lol.

I had dinner plans with a few good friends from work on Friday. Will and Amy are one of the closest friends I've made at work. They've been married like 20 years and have two kids, but they're not old or anything. I turn to Will for help and advice on more than just things at work. I don't get to see them that often, but I'm always happy when we can get together and hang out. Michelle and Frank also came and they're always a lot of fun too. Michelle jut picked up a few more days at my hospital, so I'll be getting to see her more. I miss her horribly at work. There's so much tension around, I feel immediate relief when she's there. Work stress is more than I can bare right now. There's a new facility opening up, most of my department has put in for it. I'm facing the struggle of where to go and what's best for me. I haven't had my second interview yet, and I don't even know if I'll get one so things are super premature. The shift is not great, it's right smack in the middle of the day and I hated that shift when I worked it. I struggle on a daily basis. I'm having a super hard time trying to be passive aggressive about things and I just can't do it anymore. No one can ever say that I'm not a hard worker. The last time I spoke up about things, it went sour. I am not one to take shit, but I immediately become submissive at work because I can't afford to lose my job.

I really could use some advice from all of you out there. How should I approach getting my work circumstances to improve? How can I go to my supervisor and tell him that I'm being trampled all over, when I know damn right---it's only going to cause MORE problems for me?  I've gone the route of keeping my head down and only doing what is expected of me. I don't plan on staying at this company forever. I've been looking around for jobs for a long time, just isn't the right time to leave right now. I need to get healthy, my weight under control, save up smartly and then make moves. I fantasize all the time about winning the Powerball jackpot and peacing out of that place at the most inconvenient time for them. It wouldn't matter anyway, I'm just as replaceable as the next person there. I have no worth at all at this company. That's the hard cold truth.

Sometimes it looks so simple and easy for me to just throw the towel in, and say the hell with everything and everyone! I just want to have fun, is that so much to ask?! I need some more damn fun in my life, maybe then I wouldn't be so clouded in my feelings or judgement. Actually more or less, sounds like I need a damn vacation! I hate tying up loose ends when there is no closure in a situation. The reality of things are, are that you can't always have closure to things. Sometimes you have to make it yourself. You just have to decide when enough is enough, and no one can help you make that decision but yourself. 

The boob tube

Some shows are like car accidents...you just can't help but look and watch.

I like to catch up on my TV shows on my weeks off. I only have super basic cable at home (we're not home enough really to have it), so I just catch up on stuff online. Sometimes I sit and question the level of my intelligence, because these shows are ridiculous.

I'm a HUGE HBO and Showtime fan. Most all the shows that they produce are killer and seriously addicting. Although they are a little racy, I think they are all very well put together and true to their story lines--except for True Blood, which is not really like The Sookie Stackhouse Series at all. I became addicted to The Tudors, I love period pieces. Not to mention the serious amounts of man candy it had to offer. Then came along True Blood, then Game of Thrones, then Shameless and now Luck. It's getting out of control! I really don't feel guilty at all about these shows, because they're not all pointless dramas. 

On the other hand, Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2--I need to check the mantel above the fireplace to be aware that I'm smart and have a college degree. I can't help it! Hien thinks I'm totally crazy, and maybe she's right. I mean, these shows are pretty much glorifying teen pregnancy which I guess could go either way. It could help girls be aware of the crap teen moms go through, or just make them want to get knocked up and have their own ridiculous show. After watching a couple seasons, I started to wonder how these girls get paid. Although it's not outright common knowledge, I did find on a Google search that they get paid $40-45,000 at the end of each season. FOR BEING IRRESPONSIBLE AND GETTING PREGNANT?! That's right America, you all love paying to watch trash. And I am one of their biggest obsessed watchers. 

Two girls in particular are so outrageous, these bitches need to come with warning disclaimers. Jenelle and Amber are so out of control, it makes me think they do things on purpose just for ratings. Which, is always a factor but is super sad when they drag their children through it. They both have people to enable their behavior that I can't even categorize as "trailer trash", because they behave better than these two broads. I just sit in sheer horror watching these girls claim they are super moms and deserve to have custody of their children. Maybe one day someone will come along and beat some sense into them, until then MTV will still probably produce these shows until these kids are at least five years old.

All right then, go ahead and judge me! But you all know at one point or another, you get addicted to some crazy ass shows. Maybe it's all the drama that's involved or the messes people leave behind that so interesting to watch? Personally, I'd rather watch other people's dramas then have it in my life so that fills my quota right there! And seriously, if it's that easy to make money living an entirely dysfunctional life--shouldn't 60% of America have their own shows? Honestly...

Are you effing kidding me?!

No, no they're not.

I GAINED A POUND BACK, WTF! UGH, hopping on the frustration train to doom all over again. This is ridiculous. I really thought that I would have at least been down a pound, but like many things in my life--I thought wrong lol. 

Today was just a nurse visit, and I had someone new. I haven't seen Jen in a few weeks, and I'm wondering if she left. That makes me kind of sad because I really like her and trusted her. Cody is always awesome, but I don't get her all the time. I had my second Lipotonix shot today and decided to alternate hips. She gave me my shot in my left "hip", which really she put it on the backside of my left love handle lol. It didn't hurt at the time, but a few hours later it started to burn and get sore! Yowza! Marissa told me that shots can vary depending on who gives it to you, which she's totally right. Sometimes I get shots and don't feel them at all, other times I feel like these nurses are using me for dart practice. Either way, the soreness is beginning to subside so it's no big deal.

I noticed in the mirror today that my rolls are starting to taper slowly away. Thank god because I'm tired of being lumpy. My muffin top is still there, along with my spare tire. I don't know how else to get rid of these besides working out at the gym. Maybe it was just my eyes playing tricks on me, but my right hip looked smoother than my left! Could this be because of my shot last week?! I'm not really sure, so I'm going to alternate hips from now on. I didn't get a B12 shot this week, because I'm starting to feel better. The first day of my weeks off I usually spend sleeping in. 

Today was pretty productive. I got my tires on and to my surprise they were running a special at Sam's Club and I got $60.00 off! So happy about that! While I was sitting there waiting for my car, this young guy came out from the back to run register. And all I kept thinking to myself was "are you effing kidding me?!". He was wearing his sunglasses in the store, WORKING with them on. Normally I'd think of that song, "I wear my sunglasses at night" but it was complete gloomy day out! He was wearing a thick tacky silver chain and had tattoos all over him. The only way that wearing those glasses like that are gonna be acceptable, is if he was hiding a big black eye underneath it but he totally wasn't. It was just something that made me giggle...and text Marissa with pictures of proof!

Hien thinks that I should push it harder at the gym. I've been too cold and lazy to do more than I should lately. I'm anxious for some warmer weather so I can do more stuff outside. I've never been real super on hiking, but I think I'm going to start this year. Upstate New York has too many hills and outdoor spaces to not take advantage of it while I'm still here. Patiently waiting for my W2 in the mail, so I can get my tax return! I told myself a while ago that I'd save my return to pay for airline tickets for Han's wedding, but I really think I should just pay off my credit card. I have this big anxiety about bills. I despise owing any money. I have two years left on my car, and my plan is to pay off my credit card and bang out double payments so I can just pay the bitch off. That way, I can save up some more funds for a rainy day.

I'm probably crazy for socking so much money away into my retirement fund. I have a 403B, which doesn't accrue any interest because I work for a non-profit organization. When I first started working, I paid off all my student loans and expenses from school. When things were smooth and stable, I bought my first REAL car! Exciting. To tell you the truth, I really don't put any money in my savings account, something I should probably change. The way I see it, is I'm putting more than 20% per check into my retirement, so as long as I have money in my checking I'm good. I'm just one of those weird people that don't save, unless they have something to save for I suppose. I mean how many people at the age of 25 put that much into their retirement fund, let alone have two of them?! I hired a financial advisor when I started working at the age of 20, definitely don't regret it at all. Rene is awesome, her son is actually a friend I had from High School. I trust her with my accounts and wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyway, I'm off to catch up on all the TV shows I missed while I was working! Some days it's super nice to just veg out on the couch! :)

GO, GO! GO THAOWIE GO! GO!

THE LONGEST YARD TO THE TIME CLOCK!

TGIT! So glad to be out of work this week you have no idea! It always seems that on my last day of work, shit hits the fan. Nothing ever goes according to plan, story of my life! Anyway I'm super glad to be out of there, no more worried for 7 whole days of glory!

I have an appointment tomorrow, just a nurse visit. Same old weigh in plus a Lipotonix shot, maybe a B12 one as well. There's this contest going on through the news station for a total body make over. Before finding about Aviva, I was seriously looking into getting a personal trainer. It's a pretty big commitment, and a HUGE expense. This particular place has high success rates with their clients and I've heard really great things. I'm hoping that whoever wins the contest, takes the most they can from their training sessions. They cost around $500/week--and that's really only 3x per week for a month! Not including other classes that they offer! Glad I just go to the gym on my own...maybe somewhere down in the future I'll decide to go if I hit a big bump.

I'm slowly creeping back to the stage of panic before my weigh ins. Things were pretty even and mellow for a few weeks and now that I hit the up and up on the scale---I'm a little freaked out for tomorrow. I'm feeling much better, still with all the post nasal drip crap. I sincerely feel bad for people with sinus problems, I wouldn't want my nose all plugged like indefinitely. 

I have about 100 things to do this week while I'm off, and sadly none of them are fun. First on my list are putting new tires on my car. GAWD, I hate car expenses...especially when they're not fun. Like buying stamps...I despise buying stamps. Every time I go to the post office they try to sell me fancy stamps, when I just keep asking for the bells. "NO I DO NOT WANT YOUR CHRISTMAS STAMPS, DISNEY PIXAR OR ELVIS! JUST GIVE ME THE BELLS!" Is this what they refer to when "going postal"? One time I ended up with freaking Star Wars stamps that took up more than half of the left corner. They were so big that some of them even blocked part of the address windows on the envelopes! 

I'm aiming to target this week off on getting things done! Getting my weight back in check, errands ran and things tidied up a bit...including my eating habits! I'm SUPER close to 20lbs and I'd REALLY like to get there by next week for my appointment with Dr. Cusimano! We'll see what happens, wish me luck! Have a great day all!

Happy Lunar New Year!

aka Tet or Chinese New Year!

Welcome the year of the dragon! This year is blessed with prosperity, strength and excitement. This year has got to be better than the rest! I feel like it will be. There are so many new changes in my life for the better, and I have confidence that there will be more positive to follow!

Of course, my mom mad a shmorgeshboard of food to celebrate! Things I'm probably NOT supposed to eat, so I'm kind of glad I had to work. No egg rolls Nikki and Marissa! LOL Mom didn't make any this year. I've always been kind of fascinated with Chinese prophecies and zodiacs. Maybe it's just my heritage calling back to me or something, but it's pretty interesting. Astrology in itself takes a lifetime to understand. I think it's hilarious when I read all of the traits associated to each sign/animal. I think that we can all relate to them!

Anyway, today was all right I guess. Not really much to report back anyway. It's kind of hard to post topics everyday that are interesting and thought provoking. Is this what being a writer feels like?! Eeek, I'm glad I only do this for pure entertainment! I'm looking forward to going to dinner with one of my friends this week. I don't get to see my nurse friend Michelle very often, so when I did see her we made plans for dinner! YAY for Thai! I've been seriously craving some Thai food, and my favorite place has the best in my book! I don't really feel guilty after eating it, because I don't really order anything that isn't healthy and I portion control of course. 

Looking forward to my week off, but super scared about my weigh in on Wednesday. Hoping to at least lost the three that I gained back. Maybe Cody is right, it's just water weight...but if it's still there I'll probably sit in my car and scream before I drive home!

ZzzZzZZzz

More tired than usual.

My energy level is down in the dumps. I feel like I'm always on the go, I can't wait to be off tomorrow! I'll probably spend my first day off sleeping in! I haven't really been taking my vitamins like I should, I really need to start cracking down on it.

With everything that has gone on this weekend, I've been stressed out. Between bad news, the weather and a pile of shit I need to get done--I'm totally tapped out. So as you all can imagine, the mean girl wanted desperately to pop out this weekend!

I've never been a real caffeine junkie, I only drink coffee when I feel like it. My energy levels are dependent on how much sleep I get, and if I take my vitamins or not. The whole vitamin thing is starting to freak me out. B12 makes you pee like neon freaking yellow...not normal! I'm on so many supplements it makes me worried I'm going to get kidney stones from all of it!  I really don't want them! My next appointment is Wednesday and I'm planning on getting another Lipotonix shot and I'm going to ask for a B12 one too. Problem solved. 

My weight is fluctuating again. I haven't been able to get rid of the 3lbs I gained so far. Actually it looks like I've gained two more on top of it. How annoying. Just another thing for me to be pissed off about. I probably just need to go to the bathroom haha...or not. UGH. My meds made me nauseous the other day and I've been a miserable hot mess for the past few days. ARG.

Better days...

Again, I'm playing catch up with my posts...

This weekend was pretty busy. It was Rick's 26th birthday and we threw him a party on Friday to celebrate. The first real snow of the season began fluffing down on us, while we were all inside enjoying our time together. We had a lot of fun, but as always I had to cut things short for work.

It's been a rough weekend. A good friend of mine, Jacki had introduced me to some of her other friends last year. She shot me a text message on Saturday morning telling me that one of our friends was stabbed Friday night. I was horrified. Some times, this is why I hate having my phone with me at work. My stomach was in knots and my first instinct was to vomit. He had been working at a bar down as a bouncer and when he denied someone's entrance into a private party, the 19 year old stabbed him in the heart and several times in the stomach.

Details were very minimal on Sunday, as there was hardly any information to give. I knew right away they would have probably taken him to my sister hospital, a trauma center. I found out yesterday that he is stable but still in critical shape. Of course, taken to the OR immediately for repairs. I had lots of good faith in the surgery, seeing as I am familiar with most of the doctors floating around. They have the suspect in custody and he is facing felony charges...which is even more aggravating. I'm hoping they can escalate the charges up to attempted murder, seeing as he almost died. His color is looking much better today and he is conscious enough to know where he is and what happened to him. Right now, I'm hoping for a speedy recovery and justice to be on his side.

All of this, just for the simple face of not getting into a bar. I'm fully aware that bad things happen all over the place, but it just seems like things have been escalating around here lately. When there are times of poverty, jobless and depression crime rates seem to go up. Makes me scared to go out anymore, but I can't live in fear. 

I spent the rest of the weekend not really up for anything. I went out bowling for Michele's birthday on Saturday, but I was still worried the entire time. I'm just glad that he was rushed to the hospital quickly, and his life was saved.

Say it like it is

The upside of calling people out.

I was in a great mood when I left the house this morning, until I pulled into the parking lot at work. The side lot is a wee bit narrow, and there is only one entrance and one exit. So I was pulling in to find a spot, when I saw this lady getting into her car. I clearly was on the entrance side, and do you know what she did?! She pulled out of her space the WRONG freaking way. So there we were, hood to hood in the parking lot and I was not going to budge. We sat there for a few minutes until she decided it would be a fantastic idea to keep pulling forward and making "shoo" waves at me to back up. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? No, no she wasn't! I waited until her car was practically touching mine, and kept hand signaling her to back up and turn around. Shit got serious when she decided to roll down her window and yell at me--and I of course got my ass up out the car!

I was screaming at her that she was pulling out the wrong way and needed to turn around! If I backed up, I'd be backing up into the middle of traffic and SHE WAS IN THE WRONG. She then decided that she'd TRY to scare me and pull forward so now her car was literally touching mine. BITCH YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO DOWN. People are always warning me about having road rage. Fine, yeah so I yell at people BUT always with a reason. I don't just have total rage disorder and ride up on people's bumpers and get all crazy. She must have thought I was someone else, because I do not play like this. So naturally I slammed both my fists down on the hood of her car, backed my car up only to rev the engine to pull forward in a hurry. Granted yes, maybe I did over react but what would you have done? Been a pus-ma-gus and backed out into the road in a high traffic area?! WELL NOT ME. 

As I sat revving Black Betty, I could see the glimmer of fear in her eyes. I'm sure the moments just before I went to pull forward fast, she saw her measly life flashing before her eyes, all the moments when she had entitlement issues and tried to force people to change their course for her convince. I'll give her this, she had the sense to back off. 

Surprisingly enough, I didn't have any key marks on the side of my car when I left work. Even if I did, I got her plate number. Sometimes when I tell stories like these, people think I'm out of control. I'm truly not. I've lived a life where most of the time I've backed right down, simply because it was easier to give other people their way. I haven't bent backwards in a couple of years now, and I certainly do not plan on going back to those habits. SCREW THAT! 

It's important to MAKE people take ownership for their actions. I take responsibility for my never ending motor mouth and the things that fly out of it, certain situations I handle whether they were bad or good, and certainly the decisions I make. Not saying that I need to explain myself to others, but everyone else seems just fine calling me out on my shit---but why do they get defensive why I return the favor? I had a "friend" a few years ago, who knew she treated me like crap and used me; when I confronted her she was ashamed and actually said--and I QUOTE: "I know, but I just don't want you to say it out loud." WHY THE HELL NOT?! Because then you'd have to acknowledge all of the twisted things that you did to me?! CALL PEOPLE OUT.

It is secretly invigorating when you finally do this! I refer to this as "Hulking out". 

Obviously there are other subtle ways to do this, but I'll let you guys figure that out on your own. Just for the record, I'm not always a hanus bitch when I do this. I do think it's important to stand up for yourself. Don't be a door mat and let people treat you like your feelings don't matter.

Other than that, today was a great day! Tet, aka Chinese New Year is coming up and I'm a wee bit nervous about the challenged I'm going to have to face. Lots of yummy food I need to steer clear from, and limit my quantities. I've been feeling a bit run down lately, I'm sure it's a cold coming on. Drinking lots of tea with lemon and popping those vitamins! I think I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, just to see if Wednesday's weigh in was truly water weight or not. Results to follow! 

As far as the Lipotonix goes, I really don't feel any different. I can't really tell yet. I've Googled it a few times, but all I seem to find are sketchy sites with weird advertisements. Smells like a virus site if you ask me. I did however find a Topix discussion site that had people talking on there. I got too tired to click through all these pages of people asking where they could find a doctor who provided injections in their home town. How annoying. I guess if they did just Google it, they'd end up with the same sketchy sites I did! Calling myself on this one...stop judging the stupidity level of people writing things on the internet. Tee hee hee...

Lipo huh?

What a day, what a day!

Miss Badu, you about summed it up!

This morning I woke up doubled over in abdominal pain. It was so bad, I thought I'd at least have to call in for the first half of my shift. I'm not sure what's going on in there, but there was definitely a storm brewing! Needless to say I'm sleep deprived today, but managed. I seriously think I'm part robotic.

Today I met my fate with the scale and it was not my friend. I gained back three pounds. Honestly it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, because I'm pretty sure it's just water weight. I'm bound to lose it by next weigh in. I'm still trying to reach that goal of 20lbs. Five more pounds to go and I'll be there working my way to 25! Having weekly appointments has really made me commit. I swear, the only reason why I got out of bed today was because of that appointment. I knew if I dragged my butt there, I most definitely could drag my butt across the street to work. 

The Metformin hasn't made me nauseous like it did before. Dr. Cusimano told me that acute abdominal pain was associated with it. Was it possible it was just from that? I'm not sure, but I really hope this doesn't become a regular thing. It was one of those pains that woke you up from a dead sound sleep. The kind of abdominal pain that makes you borderline scared and then it goes away an hour later. 

Cody asked me if I had tried their Lipotonix injections. A good many times Sarah has asked me when I'm checking out if I had one or not. I'm always like shocked to find out that these services are available there. I need a menu! Lipotonix is used as an injection to promote sustained vitamin levels, lower cholesterol and speed up your metabolism by breaking down lipids and working with your liver. I usually get B12 shots in the office, but this is a little different. It's primarily composed of vitamins. It promotes weight loss in low calorie diet programs. I've heard good things about it. It's supposed to even out your body a bit more. People claim that they have lost their inches from it, but not necessarily pounds. We'll see how this goes.

This injection is FDA approved and safe to use. I'll be getting them in the office every week from now on. It's a bit strange. My regular B12 shot goes into my arm, but these shots go into the side of your hip...aka my fat pad love handle lol. Shots don't bother me, I could really care less. It didn't really hurt when she did it, but she pinched my love handle and that kind hurt. I really freaking hate when people poke me and pinch me...because it freaking hurts! I especially can't stand when people poke me. I have the incredible urge to want to poke them with a speedie skewer and see how they like it! For those of you who don't know what speedies are, they're pretty much just chunks of marinated meat that are indigenous to the upstate piece plot of land I hail from. They're really good, and a food I'm missing terribly. There's only one place I like getting them from around here, The Char Pit! 

((wiping up my drool...))

Anyway, I'll let you all know how the injections go. As for now I'm working on getting back on track. Target as of now, lose 5lbs for next week. I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I CAN!

Massive quantities

Buying in bulk...

So Tuesday, I had a few errands to run before I got back to the grind. I scooted over to Maines Cash and Carry and was kind of overwhelmed with everything I saw. I don't usually shop there, but I had to pick up something for a friend. I realize that stores like these sells items in bulk, like Sam's does for supplying purposes. But how many of the people that shop at places like this are actually buying to supply store fronts?

I wonder about this. A little off topic, but it's the same problem I have with extreme couponing. Essentially they're the same freaking thing. Buying in bulk. I mean seriously, everyone has seen that show right? What good is buying like more than 20 of the same item, just to sit on your shelf? Organized hoarding is more like it!

Here's my real beef with massive quantities, it tricks you into thinking that you're really not using or eating that much. Lets take fruit snacks for example. Say you bought a huge container of fruit snacks thinking they'll last you a while. At first, you start eating one package here and there. Then you start passing the giant tub multiple times and think "yeah why not, I have plenty more left", and then a few days later you realize you're reaching in the bottom of the bin for the last fruit snack bag. Don't gasp like you all don't know what I'm talking about! LOL. Everyone has done it! 

For me, having a limited amount of bad food or snacks around eliminates my temptation to keep going for more. And if I do go back for more, at least I know my snacks are healthy. My dad and I both have huge snacking problems. Actually, my whole family does. I refer to the area under the coffee table as "Dad's squirrel stash". Since I've been doing my thing on this program, they've hidden all their bad treats. I didn't get bent or anything about it, they did me a favor! It helps a lot that I'm not really home, or else I would totally eat out of boredom. I've adapted to the rule that it's all about portion control. Eating healthy is always a good idea, but seriously we all eat garbage too. Try to limit the amount of garbage your disposal can hold! The less you eat of bad food, the less you will be able to tolerate them and it was whip you into submission! I suppose if you still do choose to buy in bulk, try to separate things out and ration things. 

Just because you're hungry, doesn't mean you're going to DIE if you don't house that whole can of Pringles. Being smart about food is hard, but I promise you it'll become a habit once you get into the swing of things!

MLK

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

I spent most of the day looking at all these Facebook quotes from MLK Jr. They were super inspiring and it made me happy that people actually acknowledged him on his day. I feel like the emphasis on "calendar holidays" aren't made enough. How many of us shake the hands and thank the veterans on their day? Or realize there's more than just a reason to set off fireworks and throw back beers on Independence Day? I'll never understand birthdays. Don't even get me started. They're nice and everything but really, shouldn't our parents get the credit that day---because after all without them we would cease to exist!

All of this history has really made my gears start turning. It makes me think about my generation and how we don't have that one significant political icon that hits the nails right on their heads...do we? What I like most about MLK, is that he was a civil rights activist for all. Most of you who know me, know I'm not a very religious person. I'm not atheist by any stretch but I don't go out of my way to go to church. I don't mind the fact that people need to believe in something; whether it may be a higher power, the universe or the bottom of a coffee cup. 

It's interesting to hear other people's views on things. Everyone speaks about the Vietnam war as such a tragedy, which it was. Many tell me how much they disagreed and how the entire was was a mind fuck. First of all, aren't all wars? As for those who believe that it was an entire loss and there was no point--I'd like you to take my version and think. I am first generation Vietnamese American. If those soldiers never came to help, I wouldn't be here today so that you could all enjoy my ridiculous entries. I wouldn't be standing as the person I am today, my parents would have probably died and I would have never existed. To those refugees that were rescued, we owe our lives to the American soldiers that came to rescue. 

I was lucky enough to be brought up in a mixed racial home. My grandparents were German/Native American and Irish. They volunteered to take refugees in from the war, and my father was lucky enough to have been taken in by them. They took in many many families by they took my father personally in as one of their own. I grew up with mixed cousins from all kinds of backgrounds, and was taught that we were all the same. No better than the person down the street from us, no different from each other. Love is love, no matter the details. 

It's days like these when I don't feel so guilty I'm not a super MLK buff...because I already feel like I have a part of what his dream was.

Sundays are for football lessons

No more pretend "watching"!

I like to hang out with the guys. I play video games with them, watch ridiculous movies and TV with them, watch most sports but not football. My friends are huge football watchers. It seems to me that every other girl in our group knows what's going on during games, while I sit and pretend to watch. Welp not for long!

New Year's day Eddie kept asking me what I thought about T Tebow. I was so confused. T Tebow? For some reason I thought he was talking about Tevo...haha! He repeated it like twice before I told him I didn't know what that was. He started laughing and said that was the best answer in the world. T. Tebow, TIM TEBOW is the quarterback for the Broncos. Last week while I was at work Opher and I watched the Bronco Steelers game. He explained to me what the rules were and what the players were doing so I didn't feel like an ass anymore. I don't really know much about football, but Tebow has the UGLIEST throw I've ever seen in my life. No wonder people have trouble catching that fishtailing pig skin! It's okay, I'll watch ever game he's in and not know what's going on. That man is a stud.

Today was the Giants Packers game. We went to one of our usual pubs to watch the game. I actually knew what was going on, instead of screaming when everyone else did! Definitely moving up the football watching ladder. I totally cheated bad today. I didn't really eat too much earlier today I saved it for my moment of gluttony. I'm currently paying for it now with upset stomach. I just can't eat like greasy food anymore. As much as I want to and as good as it tastes, my stomach hates me for it and makes me pay dearly. 

Speaking of which, I've been sticking to my diet pretty well. I haven't increased in weight and I'm feeling so much better. I think it even shows in my face! My mom bought me apple juice today and she also bought some 'Naked' brand organic juice. It's pretty expensive, but it's so delicious. People are starting to notice a change in me, and I like it. Ahh, well in all honesty until I go back to work Wednesday I am doing absolutely NADA. :D

Great news by the way! The other Marissa got a new job and is moving closer to home! Very excited about that! YAY!

Retail therapy and dinner service

Money definitely well spent.

I woke up to a phone call from Riss. We decided that today we'd go over to Dave's house so he could fix my busted seat belt. Thank god for him, or else I'd have a serious case of cabin fever. It took him like an hour or so to fix it. It's nice to have some handy friends around. He said he didn't mind doing it, but I was super grateful he could help me out. I called my local Toyota dealership before I brought it over, because it was a serious safety issue and they totally brushed me aside. "Oh sorry, we won't have time to look at it today..." So does that mean when I get into an accident and go through the windshield I can sue your asses for NOT taking care of it for me?! Jerks. While Dave worked on my car, Riss and I went inside and watched a movie with his mom and played with his dogs. 


After all was done, we dragged him off with us to the mall. We went into Vicki's and found zip. Too bad, their semi annual sale was going on. I don't really shop there, unfortunately for me I have to order my bras. I don't really like Vicki's bras anyways. I was wearing one a few years ago and went to get new bras at Bloomingdale's in the city. When I got fitted, the woman who helped me steered me right away from them. She had me try on a Le Mystere brand, and I shit you not my boobs lifted up three inches. She even measured. They're pretty pricey, cost me about $78 a bra but they are worth every penny. I really wanted to go to Linda the Bra Lady while I was there, but never made it. For all you ladies out there looking for a good bra, extra supported bathing suits and accessories check her out! Ever since I was a teen, I hated my boobs. I was wearing a C cup by the sixth grade. That is just not normal. I'm not revealing my bra size on here, but I'll tell you this. At the age of what 23 at the time, I definitely shouldn't have been rocking grandma titties that Vicki's bras gave me...


Express. Oh my, oh my how I love you. I'm FINALLY smaller now to be able to shop at Express again! SO EXCITING. You have no idea. Before I got chunky my favorite stores were Express and The Limited. I like really polished looking clothes, and now I can rock it out again! Riss and I went nuts, well maybe not so much her but I did. I ended up buying five shirts, a dress and two jackets for $114! SCORE! My mom would be so proud of me. She doesn't buy anything full price, and she definitely scores some really nice stuff. My favorite thing I bought was this purple tunic with sequins down the front. Something I wouldn't pick right away, but thought what the hell.

Express, sequin tunic

I brought it home, put it on and if I do say so myself--I looked good! I can't wait to wear it! I don't know where I will, but I eventually will! So exciting. Shopping is getting super fun! I felt no guilt at all spending the money I did, because it was all on sale. Even if I only will be able to fit in it for a bit, it's all good.

After our highly successful shopping excursion we headed back to Riss's for dinner. Her mom invited a bunch of us over. She made chicken marsala, salad, brocoli and roasted veggies and potatoes. SO GOOD. We all sat there in half food comas. I bought a bottle of moscato to go with my dinner. I'm not a red wine fan so I usually stick to whites. Rieslings are about the driest I'll go, so I stuck with that. After we finished our dinners, we had french vanilla ice cream, strawberries and cool whip for dessert. OMG, so good. I could have just sat there and ate the entire bowl of strawberries. I haven't had ice cream in so long, it tasted so good I had 1 1/2 bowls. YUM. We all left with full bellies and half in food comas. I love home cooked meals. No restaurant could ever replace the satisfaction of a good home cooked meal. I didn't over eat by any stretch, but I was pleasantly full. Laina is super nice, we had great conversation and fun. 

During dinner Riss and Laina had us try Limoncello. When Marissa came home from Italy she brought back things for all of us, including some special items to share. I've hear everyone rave about it, so I was kind of excited to try it. She poured out small shots for us and of course being the sipper that I am--I sipped it. BAD IDEA. It tasted like pine needles mixed with Pine Sol. I ended up giving the rest of mine to Dave. Laina said it's mean to be tossed back as a shot. The lemon flavor comes out better... I didn't attempt another, I was too busy stuffing strawberries in my face lol.

Note to all you readers, THROW BACK AS A SHOT or enjoy the fresh scent of Pine Sol!

All together it was another good Saturday to add to the books. Got to try some new things, including on some clothes that are fab! Next stop, new scrubs. Because lord only knows when my next work disaster with someone else's bodily fluids will strike!

Is that the sun coming up!?

Yes, yes it is.

Friday rolled around, and it was interesting to say the least. One of my bestest friends that I met through work Dianna invited me out for a few drinks. She is leaving soon, Saturday actually,  upstate to go back to school. If I could afford to quit my job, and go to school full time I definitely would. I'm just not an online person. I did it for a year, and loathed it. She's going on to PA school and I couldn't be happier for her. It'll be hard, but definitely worth it, I wish her the best! As luck would have it, disaster strikes EVERY TIME I need to be somewhere.

So I got in my car and my seat belt was stuck. It wasn't pulled out or anything, it was totally and utterly jammed. Totally not okay. You know sometimes when you get stuck on a hill and your seat belt gets stuck? My remedy to that is to just slam the door shut and it retracts. The snow started falling and there had already been accidents on the road. People don't know how to handle the first snowfall, which is always retarded to me because we live in upstate New York hello. If you can't drive in the snow, you seriously shouldn't live here. Idiots. I sat in the driveway with my seat pulled all the way back opening and slamming the door shut. Then I tried yanking on it really hard to get it out, and nothing. And like any other normal person, I started punching the wall of the car where the seat belt was. NADA. Help me! 

I am NOT one of those people that will drive without buckling in. A, I'd be a disgrace to my parents who taught me better, B, I'd be a hypocrite for everyone I tell to buckle and C, I know the end result of what could happen. After hitting my fist against the wall and going into about 20mins of full on rage disorder, I gave up. There was no way in hell I was driving anywhere. With my luck, I'd get in a car accident and super man out through the windshield only to be left as frozen road pizza on the highway. I shot Dave a text hoping he could help me out and look at it for me the next day. It was abundantly clear my ass was going nowhere. I had to skip out on Dianna's get together, and ended up scooting my ass up the street to Nikki's. 

Marissa and Nikki were having a slunkfest. We all decided to stay in, play some board games and throw some back. When I say throw some back, I really mean everyone else throw some back lol. Like I said I really don't drink anymore, so I sit and sip one drink the entire night. We ended up scooping up Dave and then going to get Eddie. It was a really fun night. We spent most of it playing 'Loaded Questions', hilarious game. If you don't have it I highly recommend it.

While Nikki and Marissa were off to bed, the guys and I stayed up entirely too long watching 'Ridiculousness' and 'Nitro Circus'. Around like errr umm 6:45am Eddie looked out the window and said it was light outside. How the hell did we stay up so long?! You can always tell good company by the caliber of how much fun you had the night before, and six months worth of inside jokes. Dave and I left around 7:30, we could have all stayed there but being so close to home, I wanted to sleep there. So much for sleep, I got back up around 11:30. The never ended weekend haha!

Miscalculation

How could I have missed this one?

So Wednesday was my weigh in day! I hopped on the scale and it had said I only lost 1lb. 1lb, what the hell. Maybe it was the clothes I was wearing? Jeans a sweater and boots...my jammies alone tack on an extra pound at home so who the heck knows!

I went through my book of weigh ins, and I was surprised I had miscalculated! I had already lost the 15lbs and now I'm up to 17lbs melted away! It's been a long haul for sure, but I'm really excited about the numbers being written down in my chart! I've lost enough for people to start noticing it's going away! Lots of people have commented on my face, but I don't really notice anything different. The pangs of having a round shaped face, is you always think you look chubby. Seriously. Even when I was skinny I thought I looked chubba wubba because of my face! Something to get used to...

I'm in desperate need of a haircut. My hair isn't short by any means, but I'm trying to grow it out longer. My hair used to go all the way down my back, it was pretty and I miss it. My hair is about half way down and I need a trim. It's hard to find a good hair person. I got to the city to get mine done, long trip but I see Hien and Whitney so it's all good. Alex works at a shop in Flushing called Sub Image. I love going there. Everyone like super trendy and Asian. Asian hair is quite different, so I prefer to go to someone who knows how to handle it. I was hoping to make a trip down, but alas I've miscalculated my bills for the upcoming months.

Being independent and owning your own things can be bitch. Take my car for example. I love my car. I plan on driving Black Betty until I run her right into the ground, or am forced to get a grocery getter when I start having kids. She costs me about $350/month in payments. I only have two years left on her so I'm not really worried. She needs new tires, which will probably run me around $400-500. My insurance is due next month, so that's another $520 and in March her inspection and registration is due. 

Since I'm strapped for the next few months, looks like I'll be staying in town for a bit!

Occupational hazard

VOM.

Okay...so yes I haven't been talking about my weight loss near as much as I talk about work on here, but this blog is about so much more than that! It's about the days in the not so average life of Thao. And you my friends are just as in shock as I am, as to WHY I don't have my own reality TV show yet. Aye yai yai.

They never tell you in school or college about the dangers of being an adult. The sticky situations you get into, how to deal with them or that some day you'll be doused in a patient's urine full of E-Coli bacteria. Not joking. Today I will yet again get to cross off my occupational hazard bucket list---explosion of a catheter. Now I'm not mentioning ANY names so this is totally legal, so you crazy sue happy people better shut it down right now! There I was, minding my own business and BOOM! My leg suddenly felt wet, and I knew IT WASN'T ME. Upon moving this patient, I had read in the chart they had a pretty significant amount of E-Coli bacteria in their urine, as well as other infectious bacteria. Great. The look on my face was complete sheer terror. 

Apparently the distressed look on my face made my super realize what had happened. He quickly rushed over and gave me towels and pointed to the door and said go! Luckily there was another set of OR scrubbies in the girls locker room. So I sat in my plaid undies with my leg propped up scrubbing the shit out of it. The balloon in the catheter apparently burst, causing it to come out and leak everywhere---which was all over my left leg and onto the table, floor etc. It wouldn't have been so bad, but alas that's NOT my life. Right where I got soaked I had a wee nick on my calf from shaving. GREAT. So now I'm real freaked out.

I tossed my scrubs pants into the red hazardous bin. Not real sad over it, I need new scrubs anyway and like HELL would I bring them home and wash them. Urine for all of you who don't know, is considered sterile. But wouldn't ya know, I get blasted with the only kind of urine that wasn't! An incident report later and a  phone call to occupational med led me..umm pretty much no where. Sandy the RN from the office told me not to worry about the cut. If I notice any inflammation or infectious symptoms to come in right away. I'm pretty sure between the excessive scrubbing with antibacterial soap, then alcohol and then peroxide I killed it. Hopefully this won't be a horror movie sequel where it stays and haunts me for the rest of my life---at least mentally.

On the upside, I wasn't feeling nauseous at all today--except the whole R. Kelly thing. I was actually feeling pretty good. I weighed myself on the scale at work, the standard weight and height one you know? According to that I should be up to 15lbs melted away! I'm super excited. I think that in all this whole thing is definitely working out for me. I can't tell you how happy and pleased I've been lately despite work stress. I feel like things are finally coming together for me in my life, and it makes me that much more motivated to keep going. 

It's such a big relief to know there are answers to your problems, and there are people out there that can help you. Being a better me, is all about living well right now. I'm happy. 

Obviously or I wouldn't be laughing about getting pee all over me today!

Well hello there Miss Cranky Pants!

And by saying this, I do mean myself.

When will this nausea ever end?! I rolled into work today pretty much running to the bathroom after I punched in. Anticipating I was going to throw up a rainbow into the porcelain pee hold, I was sadly mistaken. GRRRR. I just sat there crouched on the floor holding my hair back. Dry heaves will be the death of me.

It's been suggested to me to maybe get my meds switched. I'm stubborn, and prefer to stick it out and wait a few more weeks. Mixing around with too many medications is never a good idea. Maybe I'm just being a baby about this whole thing. The nausea only seems to last for about the first two hours. Usually I eat a protein bar or fruit with it, and ya know what?! I'm going to say eff that and eat a piece of toast instead. 

Does this magically happen to anyone else or just me? Whenever I'm not feeling well, everyone needs to ask me a million questions about this that and the other thing!? Apparently some people don't know how to tell, I'm not really into listening or answering their questions right away--go ask someone else! I was visibly pissed today at work, and I really don't like to be. Because A it looks bad and B I don't need people talking more shit than they already do! So maybe eating a normal breakfast will be a good idea. 

I've got some serious decisions to make concerning work. There have been some different openings, but I'm still on the fence. I REALLY REALLY LOVE MY SCHEDULE! It's against hospital policy to say anything negative about the company online via blog, facebook, whatever so I won't even go there. Should I sacrifice working a great schedule with the usual pisses and moans about it, or transfer to a different position with a CRAP shift I've worked before and despised it--at risk of starting at a new facility where I may or may not like it?! Ugh, I don't know. Looks like I'm going to have to make a pros and cons list--kind of hard to do when there are ZIP ZILTCH for details on this new place.

What's a girl to do, what to do? Guess for now, I'm going to have to keep on keepin' on and see how things pan out. What would any of you do? GAHHHH I don't know!

It can happen at any moment...

This weekend was really rough.

Not as rough as it will be for the families that struck sudden disaster. This particular area of upstate New York, has hardly been a target of such turmoil until the past few years. We've survived two devastating floods in less than five years, a horrific meaningless shooting at our civic center and numerous deaths that could have been prevented.

We weren't short of any traumas this weekend. Accidents happen, they can strike at any time. I just can't help but feel compelled even more to tell the ones I love, that I love them. That I am just content with the life I've had up until now and they've all had a great amount of impact on it. 

The facility that I work at has a couple psych units. Most people unfortunately refer to them as the "crazy" floor, but really--are they that crazy? Couldn't it be that someone just had a nervous breakdown, unable to cope with personal disasters or have new onsets of dementia or Alzheimer's? This my friends, could be any one of us. It makes me feel bad for these patients. I look at each of them and think to myself, it could happen at any time. 

Even if your body portrays that you are in good health, mentally you could be on overload. It's been abundantly clear to me, that I need to focus on both aspects of my life. Rarely do I ever make decisions that I regret or keep everything entirely bottled in. I just thank God that I was lucky enough to have been given an amazing family and friends.

I don't ever want to get old and wake up one day and find myself saying:

I should have done, said, lived while I was still lucid and able to.

Beauty in the EYE of the beholder

Brown eyed girl.

There was a phase that I went through in high school, when I hated my jet black hair. So, like any other rebellious 16 year old---I got it platinum bleached highlights. It seriously was a drastic change. There were literally pieces of platinum blonde streaks all over my head. I remember everyone gasping when I walked into second period Spanish class. I believe the words, "holy shit" was yelled multiple times across the room. It didn't look bad or anything, after a while it turned this skanky brass color but by then I was over it. It's nice to have a change to your look once in a while. I've always been jealous of normal white girls that can dye their hair any color of the rainbow. Jet black Asian hair, is a force to be reckoned with. I blame it on the DNA our mothers gave us, to not defy them (cursing under my breath)...

My eye color is damn near black. I have super dark chocolate brown eyes, and I'm bored with them. My eye sight I feel has gotten a wee worse, even though my optometrist says they're 20/20. MY ASS. That is sooooo not right, so I'm going to a different doctor. I have like three pairs of reading glasses already, so I'm looking into getting colored contacts. The last appointment I went to, they discovered I had astigmatism and a pair of desert dry eyes. We'll see how this pans out.

I had green colored contacts in the past, and although I thought they were gorgeous it apparently freaked some people out. Like I said my eyes are pretty dark, so I should probably get color blends this time. Your eyes make such a big difference and such a subtle one at the same time. Isn't it crazy how we're able to just pick out what color we want our eyes to be now?! I've always been a fan of light blue eyes and dark hair. Something very sexy and exotic about it. What's not to love?!

ARE THESE TOO SUBTLE?

Ok! So I played around a bit on the Freshlook website, and I decided on gray. I think that it brings a subtle pop to my face, similar to the green ones I got. Dark brown eyes are okay sometimes, but a girls gotta have a bit of change to keep herself lookin' fresh---am I right ladies? This will be my next investment. I probably won't wear them everyday, but I'd like to have the option to wear them when I want to.

On another note, my amazing cousin Han is the skin guru. My skin has never been bad (thank you Asian genes!) but I've developed sun spots. You can see two of them in the pic above. They're right in a vertical row. I have other ones, but these drives me crazy. They've been magically appearing on my face like a freaking connect the dots game. When I was little I transformed into a fish during the summer. Literally spending from 8:00am to 6:00pm in the pool. We loved to swim! So much that my sister and I could be mistaken for being little Mexican children, because we were so tan. Although those fun summers in the sun were great, my skin is paying for it now! Han suggested I try the Clinique even better dark spot corrector. I've seen minimal results.  They are getting lighter, but not enough for me. Mom suggested I get them lasered off---which I'm using as a last resort. Han is going to send me some magic stuff for my face, and I hope it works! Because you know...I can't be looking all spotty for her wedding in October!

Speaking of which, I'm super excited for! Han is the first one to get married out of the musketeers. My cousins and I are so close, we are more like sisters than anything else. Even though we all don't talk as much as we should, when we get together it's like time hasn't passed at all. We're still the same girls playing "Sweet Valley High" board games and giggling over boys. I'm hoping to be at my weight goal by the time the wedding rolls around. I have exactly eight months to look my finest! I'm super excited!

I'm off to play more with my eye colors. What do you think of the gray? Too subtle?