Hope floats.

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... "

I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Something always makes me gravitate back to it, when I need a good laugh, cry or just have the security in knowing things will pass. Thing have been a little bit up and down on me. Not only my weight, but I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and ready to get off. Too many things have gone on lately that make me question if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing, am I making the right decisions and if I'm ready to let go of things and people.

Who knew that losing weight could take such an emotional toll on you? I've wrote before about how it's pretty common for overweight people to use it as almost a barrier to physically and emotionally protect them. To some, this may sound crazy but it makes perfect sense to me. It amazes me how so many things stem from our appearance and are connected with our psyche. How did we get this way? Right from birth the first thing you comment on a baby is how cute they are. I'm not one of those people that will tell you how cute your kid is, when they're not. I wouldn't tell you they're ugly either, I just wouldn't comment at all! I've always been told that old wives rhyme "homely in the cradle, pretty at the table", but not all cute adorable babies end up fugly in their adult lives either. It all stems right from the beginning. When relatives come over and comment to your parents how pretty you're getting or how you'll hit a growth spurt and don't worry about being short, or it's just baby weight you'll thin out. What the hell! I hope when I become an Auntie that I will remember not to comment at all on these things---because I'm starting to correlate early childhood trauma with adult issues lol.

I had dinner plans with a few good friends from work on Friday. Will and Amy are one of the closest friends I've made at work. They've been married like 20 years and have two kids, but they're not old or anything. I turn to Will for help and advice on more than just things at work. I don't get to see them that often, but I'm always happy when we can get together and hang out. Michelle and Frank also came and they're always a lot of fun too. Michelle jut picked up a few more days at my hospital, so I'll be getting to see her more. I miss her horribly at work. There's so much tension around, I feel immediate relief when she's there. Work stress is more than I can bare right now. There's a new facility opening up, most of my department has put in for it. I'm facing the struggle of where to go and what's best for me. I haven't had my second interview yet, and I don't even know if I'll get one so things are super premature. The shift is not great, it's right smack in the middle of the day and I hated that shift when I worked it. I struggle on a daily basis. I'm having a super hard time trying to be passive aggressive about things and I just can't do it anymore. No one can ever say that I'm not a hard worker. The last time I spoke up about things, it went sour. I am not one to take shit, but I immediately become submissive at work because I can't afford to lose my job.

I really could use some advice from all of you out there. How should I approach getting my work circumstances to improve? How can I go to my supervisor and tell him that I'm being trampled all over, when I know damn right---it's only going to cause MORE problems for me?  I've gone the route of keeping my head down and only doing what is expected of me. I don't plan on staying at this company forever. I've been looking around for jobs for a long time, just isn't the right time to leave right now. I need to get healthy, my weight under control, save up smartly and then make moves. I fantasize all the time about winning the Powerball jackpot and peacing out of that place at the most inconvenient time for them. It wouldn't matter anyway, I'm just as replaceable as the next person there. I have no worth at all at this company. That's the hard cold truth.

Sometimes it looks so simple and easy for me to just throw the towel in, and say the hell with everything and everyone! I just want to have fun, is that so much to ask?! I need some more damn fun in my life, maybe then I wouldn't be so clouded in my feelings or judgement. Actually more or less, sounds like I need a damn vacation! I hate tying up loose ends when there is no closure in a situation. The reality of things are, are that you can't always have closure to things. Sometimes you have to make it yourself. You just have to decide when enough is enough, and no one can help you make that decision but yourself.