Why do I always think I'm in trouble?!
Lately I've been thinking about my other insecurities. This whole journey has taught me to dig deep, and to not be so afraid to confront demons. I've had this overwhelming problem, where I think I'm in trouble for like everything. Normally I would say to someone else they must be feeling guilty about something, but I have nothing to be guilty about!
Work for example. Why am I always worried if my actions will get me in trouble? I've had my issues, and I've no doubt been in a lot of situations I didn't expect to see myself in. Am I insecure that I'll lose my job? With this economy, it makes a lot of sense for people to be afraid. I'm always clinging onto the concept of "don't give them a reason to fire you". And for the most part I don't. The constant pressure of not being a nuisance or a trouble maker has been weighing on my shoulders heavily these days. I love my job, I'm great at my job. So why should I be afraid? Have I been conditioned to be in a perpetual state of fear? Is this my fault?
Family stress is always a given. Even more so, now that we have some big events coming up. Of course every family is fucked up in their own way. There is no normal. Being fucked up is normal, okay! I find myself cleaning up a lot of messes, that really have nothing to do with me. Why does everyone else make things be such a big deal? And then it snowballs into a greater mess until it rolls down the hill and buries us all! Wouldn't it be just a perfect place if everyone could just roll with things? I thought my mother was the queen of embellishing things to the point of being obnoxious; however I'm finding out that this must be a family trait. I hate taking sides, and I don't like hearing people complain about each other in the family. And when I say complain, I'm referring to down right hurtful comments and actions. Someday we all will learn just how quickly our lives can change, in very negative ways. I'm not being a pessimist, I'm being realistic. The people that you've held such anger towards, will probably be the ones in the end you're begging to see again just one more time.
Why is it that I'm always in situations, where I feel like the "glue" that holds everything together? I have this overwhelming "responsibility" inside of me to make things okay for everyone...everyone but me. If I didn't take these things on, would the world end? Probably not, but there would be far less friction. Now I understand why people become hermits I suppose. I don't want to be a hermit, I just don't want to clean up messes anymore.
My life has changed in so many ways. I feel like I'm still Thao, but I'm so much more than her. I haven't completely changed, I've just grown. There is a big difference in changing and growing. I still have the same qualities about me, I've just either tacked on things or gotten rid of some. I've gone to therapists before, and maybe I should consider seeing someone about this. I'm not a wreck about these issues at all, I just need someone to kind of coach me into dealing with this effectively.
The lessons I've been learning have been huge. For the most part I've been able to work through things and figure it out myself. Perhaps it is time to get someone else's opinions. Is it just in my nature to have guilty, anxiety, and responsibility in my character? Am I missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere? I feel like I must be. I have no interest in putting blame on anyone, I'm past that point. I don't need to put blame anywhere to explain my own issues in my head. This is just one of those cosmic blog posts tonight. There has to be an answer out there somewhere, and I'm determined to find it.
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