Beaches

Where to begin?

I've never worn a bikini in my entire life. Not even when I was thin. Isn't it strange how in the past you view yourself as being a whale, and you look back now and realize you were skinny? I hate that shit. It makes me feel like I wasted time, time that I could have spent being happy and comfortable.

There is no way in hell that I'll be slinking into a bikini this year. It's just a fact. I'm hoping that by next summer, I'll be small and confident enough to wear one. For now, I'm sticking to my tankinis. I really do like them actually. It makes me feel better than wearing a one piece. Not that there's anything wrong wearing a once piece, wearing two separates makes me feel like I'm on the verge of getting to my goal. There was a time in my life where I didn't put on a bathing suit. I simply didn't go to the beach swimming or anything. In fact up until last year, it had been almost NINE YEARS since I had put on a swim suit. It's crazy how your insecurity can hold you back for so long. 

Here's the truth about the whole swim suit bit. If you're comfortable, who gives a shit. Honestly. On my vacation to the DR last year, there was a British woman I was talking to at the beach. She was large, probably around 240 if I had to guess. She was wearing a bikini! To tell you the truth, she didn't look bad in it either. I observed her while we were sipping on drinks together, and I realized how confident she was. A confident British woman in her 50's wearing a bikini without a rock hard body, and no one seemed to notice. I envied her, I was totally jealous. How is it, that I'm smaller than her and feeling INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE in my suit on the beach? 

If you're happy with who you are, how you look, and you're confident--it can make ALL the difference. I bought a tankini top from Victoria's Secret. When it arrived in the mail, I was so excited to put it on. When I looked at it online, it didn't seem like it plunged down too far. When I tried it on, I felt like it plunged half way to my belly button! My boobs are big, they've always been big. I don't like to flaunt my chest, because I'm not confident in my body. And that is the TRUTH. I'm not comfortable with getting "that kind" of attention from people. I don't know what that issue is. Just speaking out loud, I have a serious pet peeve with some larger girls. It irritates the HELL out of me, when larger girls wear tops so their boobs hang out. Like that's the only part of you that matters? It makes me incredibly annoyed, because it's TRASHY. It's almost like showing that being overweight isn't so bad, because you have huge bazoombas on you and skinny girls don't. I just find it sad and degrading. This is TOTALLY my own shit. If you happen to be one of those girls, I'm apologizing ahead of time. Maybe those girls are really super confident in themselves, I have no idea. I just know, that I'm not one of them.

Moving along. A few weeks later I tried on the top again, and started to think it wasn't so bad. My recent trip to NYC has given me a boost of confidence I didn't know could exist. I'm proud of my progress this far, and I should have happy to show off my hard work. Just don't expect to find me running around in skimpy clothes! The biggest problem I have with finding a suit, is getting enough support. Like I said, I don't like the girls to hang out for a peep show! Last night I had to go to Target for a wireless router, and a power surge thing. While I was there, I stumbled upon a gray and neon tankini that was super cute. Luckily, they had a large top in my size, and matching bottoms. I've always wanted the luxury of buying really cute suits. I'm not quite there yet, but pretty damn close. I hurried to the dressing room, put on the top and discovered my belly had deflated! The top looked really good, and I was actually comfortable in it! It's not typically something I'd wear, but that's exactly why I bought it. It's gray with neon yellow/greenish piping on it. Nothing fancy or anything, but I'm really happy I bought it. 

I'm headed to a summer full of pool parties, beaches and fun. I don't want to be ashamed or scared to wear my suit in front of everyone. I need to look at my progress and how far I've came, versus thinking about how much further I need to go. Weight loss is a serious reality and wake up call. It's always going to be battle for me, and it's one that is totally worth fighting for. My goals aren't too far out there, they're totally achievable. I just have to keep going.

Munchie mania!

Guys, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't understand.

Sometimes I hate hormones, actually...I hate them all the time. Why does it have to effect us so much? I mean PMS is bad enough, but then when you're pregnant they go out of whack, and then when you go through menopause. Whoever said being a woman was easy?! Slow down there killed (for you men reading, if any...) I never said it wasn't easy being a man either!

Every month around the same time, I turn into an unstoppable machine. I'm either flying around at work hustling my butt off, or you can find me day dreaming about eating really bad shit. Most of the time when I'm on my cycle, it happens to land on a work week. I've grown to appreciate this, because I can at least control it a little bit. If I only bring supplies with me that are healthy, I feel A WHOLE LOT better. This week I packed fruits and veggies. When I got cravings for the munchies, I went to my stash of healthy foods. Don't get me wrong, it was AWFUL. Not that bad I suppose, but when you really want something bad like junk food hell bad--the rabbit food is the pits!

So why does my body and brain hate me so? What have I done to them?! Besides abusing the shit out of it by eating horrible food, alcohol, and not exercising enough? LOL. Ahh we got to laugh at ourselves at some point right? Either way, I'm coping with this time of the month a lot better than I used to. Before, I'd totally eat you out of house and home! Putting limits on yourself is very difficult, but do the best you can! Luckily, I have a great support team and a goal to keep working towards. 

Trust me. Even though you bought a round trip ticket to munchie mania,

it's not likely you'll come back out of it.

Keep pushing yourself to make the healthier choices in your life. My thought process was completely messed up before. It was all about justifying what I ate. "Oh, I can eat this. I'll just work out an extra half hour at the gym". How about no? No. Don't do it to yourself. If you allow yourself to justify one unhealthy decision, you'll continue to make more of them. I've been there, and it blows. And I'm trying my damnedest to stop!

Hulking out

Sorry I haven't posted in four days.

INTERNET PROBLEMS SUCK

I've spent the past four freaking days trying to get my internet to work. Time Warner Cable just about dominates this area, and do you think I could get the bitch back onlline?! I've had my modem for about five years now and have never had a problem with it, until I upgraded my system to "turbo". My dad's lifeline is the internet. Without it, he gets real cranky. My connection started going in and out around March. Three modems, two wireless routers, and a power surge connector later--and I'm online. ONLY TEMPORARILY I CAN PUT FREAKING MONEY ON IT. I'm literally typing for my life right now, in case I get cut off!

After turning green and ugly, I have another service tech coming out to the house on Wednesday when I'm off. He better fix this blasted thing, or I'm going to chuck the modem out the window and run over it with my car! YES, NOT EXAGGERATING. Computer problems are the PITS. I'm freaking reliant on the internet. I know it's sad, but we all have some kind of dependence on our gadgets right? Where would I be without my smartphone? Probably lost somewhere for sure, literally.

The past few days have been horrible. I'm batting a thousand. Maybe it's because I haven't fully rested since my week excursion? This week will be a test to that. I plan on staying in town to spend some time resting/catching up with my home peeps. We'll see!

YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE ME ANGRY!
Sometimes, I'm The Hulk's counterpart lol

SUPER SHORT ENTRY. STARTING THE NEXT ONE IN A DASH!

Vitawhat?!

Can we say LAZY?!

Confession: I haven't been taking my vitamins for like three weeks. I know, I know. SHAME ON ME! I just keep forgetting to take them. UGH. I have this routine thing, where I put ALL the vitamins I need into a denture cup and toss it in my purse. This way I can take them wherever I am. Well, needless to say I've been ridiculously lazy and haven't refilled my container. I can for sure tell the difference. I feel like I'm tired, and I need to catch up on taking them! Especially because I have blood work ordered for a few weeks from now. Cheating is totally not okay, but I don't want to take my blood work if I don't have the vitamins in my system. I need to figure out effectively how I'm doing from a statistical aspect.

It's been SUPER nice outside, what's not to like? The humidity in this area is beyond out of control. It's super hot and sticky, and when you breathe it's like a thick nasty feeling. I'm almost glad I'm working this week, because we keep the AC on constantly to cool the equipment. I've been slacking also on going to the gym as much as I should. During my work weeks, try to go after work. The only downside to this, is I'm up until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning because now I'm amped! I don't go before work for the simple fact that I'm a freak about showers and I'd be carrying around a wet towel with me to work or leaving one in my car. Gross. 

I suppose I should stop making excuses and just do it. Then again...I do need new sneakers. I always need new sneakers. That will be my excuse to buy them, so I can have them at the gym. If you give a mouse a cookie...now I guess that means I can look into buying a new ipod? LOL

No, but really...VITAMINS VITAMINS VITAMINS! I need to take my damn vitamins! 

I'm melting, melting!

YAY!

The office has been a little weird lately. I showed up for my appointment last time and it was magically closed. There was a note on the door apologizing for any inconvenience but they closed due to an illness. Not that I was particularly heart broken, I was for sure I gained weight. According to my scale that week, I had put on about four pounds I'm sure of. That's why my New York trip was a wee bit scary, I was hoping that I'd lose it!

My wish came true! I lost the four pounds I put back on, no problem. I'm not really surprised. I made sure I was extra careful about what I ate, and I got tons of exercise in! I'm super happy about that! 

I feel like this whole experience has been a really positive one in my life. Things are finally starting to sink in totally, the lessons that I've been taught at the office. My life is definitely more enjoyable than it was before, because my comfort level has increased. I encourage everyone I talk to, to at least check Aviva out if they're interested. Cody even gave me a free shot this week of Lipotonix because I refer so many patients to the office! She also gave me a stack of cards to carry. They have a really great program for referrals. If you refer someone, it's $25 credit for you AND the new patient! Awesomeness!

This program is costly, however I don't mind paying for it one bit. You can't put a price on your health, and it's given me back so much of my life and then some. My confidence is slowly starting to increase, and I feel like I'm evolving into the person that I was meant to be all along. It's really great to have such encouraging support around me all the time, and I will continue to do my best! I'm determined to melt away another five pounds this week--so I'll be back in the 170 range! That's a huge feat for me, considering I haven't weighed anywhere in the 170's since my last year of high school! Super excited for that!

Wind down

My week long trip to NYC was exhausting.

I pretty much lounged around today before I met up with some friends for dinner. Jacki and I had our hearts set on this local Italian place to eat, but alas they are closed on Mondays. It's okay, we'll go again another time. We all decided on meeting at Texas Roadhouse. It was a lot of fun, I got to catch up with the girls and we had a great time!

Rhonda was also in town, so I was glad I got to catch up with her a bit. We ended up going to Barnes and Noble and chit chatted over in the Starbucks area. She's definitely smaller than she was last time, but then again we are the incredible shrinking women aren't we?! 

Not too much to blog about tonight, just having a relaxing day to get all of the city out I suppose. I've been stretching my legs everyday, they're tired from all the walking I did in the city. On top of it, the girls convinced me to go to this crazy Asian massage place to get foot massages at. Big mistake. It was uncomfortable but I didn't yelp in pain during it...I had lots of pain after. The top of my right foot is bruised and so are my legs. OUCH. Definitely not going back there again, I feel like I totally got owned LOL!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there!

I was still in NYC this morning, and it's Father's Day. Hien and I slept in, and we both really needed it. My legs were super sore when I got up, so before we went out I made sure I stretched. We went to this little Italian place in her neighborhood and had a nice lunch together. It's been a really good time with her, and I'm enjoying and cherishing out sister bonding together. There was a time a few years ago when we hated each other. It was so difficult for us to get along. Her living away has strengthened our relationship and bond together, and I'm really lucky to have a sister like her. Even when she does drive me crazy!

Dad doesn't get home until about 1:00pm. He had to work night shift this weekend, and I wanted to make sure I caught him when he got home. We gave him a quick call and caught up a bit.

My dad is one of the most important people in my life. He has taught me just about everything I know, and I am very fortunate to have a man like that in my life. I have been blessed with a near perfect childhood and have never been short on love in my life. My dad is my best friend. I tell him pretty much everything. He's the one person that can explain anything to me, gives me great advice and never stops supporting me. I've always been super close with my dad but I wouldn't consider myself a "daddy's girl". He didn't spoil me the way other daughters get spoiled I suppose. My lessons he taught me of Independence,  lessons on pride and what's right and wrong, work ethic and what it's like to have meaning in your life. My dad came to this country as a young man who didn't speak a lick of English. He brings the word "American" to true justice and is every part of it. He struggled, worked and continues to work hard, he gives back to others in any way that he can, and he participates in taking pride in his home, family and country. My dad is a true hero.

I wish that everyone could experience a father like him. He's more than just part of the reason why I exist. He's ever so much present in my character, who I am as a person and how my life has turned out. My dad made giant sacrifices for me and rest of the family so we could truly live and knows what it means to live. There is no other living person that could ever replace him in my life...and no one needs to. Happy Father's Day dad! I love you!

Central Park perk...

perk after the non perked part!

Have I mentioned I've had a lot of "firsts" this week? First drive into NYC, first time confident in navigating the subway, first baseball game in the city, first time tripping up the subway, and first time puking at brunch? YUP. You read correctly. I've been continuing to take my Metformin and Tricor like a good girl. I've battled having episodes of nausea, but this was freaking ridiculous. I'm always paranoid that I'll get sick on trips like these. This was seriously something else. I took my meds before I left home with a handful of cheerios. I know they say not to take meds on an empty stomach, but trust me I get SERIOUSLY sick when I DO have food in my stomach an hour to half hour before I take these pills. I have to eat right after I take them, or so I thought.

Han wanted to go to this French Macaroon place in the Upper East Side. We got off the train and began walking and I was fine. On our climb up SEVERAL stair cases, I was towards the last hike when I BIFFED IT. I FELL UP THE STAIRS. UGH! I totally fell into this lady's bag as she was walking down them. Everyone stopped and asked if I was okay, and of course I was but I had to hurry and get up! Didn't want to just stand there and hold up stair traffic! It wasn't until we got to the store when I started feeling off. I took one step into that shop and immediately got nauseated from the sweet smells in there. It was sunny and hot but there was a nice breeze. I stood outside trying to stop myself from dry heaving in front of everyone on Madison Avenue. When the girls came back out, they noticed I was breathing funny. We went to a small cafe near, and they made me eat some bread and chug orange juice and a bottle of water. Nausea with these medications are no big surprise, this is something I've been dealing with for a while. I sat and drank my liquids and picked at the bread. Han and Hien both lectured me, and I really felt like they were too concerned. My regiment has nothing to do with me getting nauseous. The Metformin has funny ways of working. My blood sugar just dropped and started to make me dry heave. It's something I go through on a weekly basis with his crap. Whitney arrived, and we set out to find a place for brunch. We ordered our food, and it came.  Everything looked great, but me. I ate a few bites of my scrambled eggs, and couldn't force myself to swallow them. Something was definitely wrong. The girls just kept looking at me, and I said I just needed to digest. It felt like I had to burp from all the drinks I took in, but I wasn't sure. I quickly sat up in the middle of brunch and scurried downstairs to the bathroom. 

Let me tell you what. The girl who was in the bathroom just before I went in, was lucky she got out of my way in time. If she hadn't been out while I was running to get in, I totally would have puked all over the floor. I'm pretty fast. On my way down, I tied my hair back. I swung the bathroom door open, locked the bitched and kicked the toilet seat up with my foot. AND THEN IT HAPPENED. Mt. St. Thao blew. I puked about three times before it finally stopped. It was all orange juice and the water I drank. I took my medications about two to three hours before I yacked, so I knew it got into my system okay. When I was sure I was done, I cleaned myself up and headed back to the dining room. Who the hell can eat after throwing up?! I sure as hell can't. There it happened again. Another meal wasted. The girls picked at my food and I tried to eat some of it, but couldn't bring myself to finish it. I honestly can say I felt 110% better after I threw up! No lie!

After that whole fiasco, we left and decided to check out Central Park. I had no big shopping plans when I went to the city this time, so I was more interested in getting my exercise in. Hien and Whitney swear that I'm moving a lot faster and better in the city than I used to. It was nice to also hear the girls say that I shrunk a lot, yay! We walked around the park for about two hours. My favorite part of it was the Conservatory Gardens. There are three gardens in Central Park that are designed in different fashions. Italian, French and British. Each feature a fountain of some sort, and a lovely display of flowers. It was a great day! Han had to head back to Brooklyn, and so it was just the three of us. We went back to Chelsea and got our nails done. After we hit up some stores and grabbed sushi for dinner. It was FANTASTIC. Actually, I think my new favorite place for sushi in the city---it was that good! I had a bowl of miso soup and half of my sushi roll and shared the rest. Whitney had to also be getting home, but I was really happy she made time to see me. 

I don't think people realize how stressful city life is. The fact that you have to add in time for travel and navigation kind of sucks. I'm so spoiled by having a car. It's really easy for me to just hop in and go. Working in different industries there absorb a lot of your time, and at the end of the day when you just want to relax---you really can't! It is craziness! I was super happy that I got to spend the rest of the night with my sister. She's had a really busy month and I'm glad I was there to chop things up a bit. I'm always good for a laugh you know! One way or the other! :P

Play ball!

Met's Game!

Friday Han and I went gallivanting around the city together. We were able to find a lot of really cool shops to go into, and stopped a few places to check out and take breaks at. There was one place in particular I wanted to go see. Tea & Sympathy was a place a good friend of mine had told me to check out. It's an authentic British cafe, full of everything British! Even the people! It was SUPER small, and I felt really bad because I didn't realize how cramped it was going to be! Han and I ordered some cold drinks infused with tea, scones and some banana cake. It was a great time there, I will definitely be going back another time! After we stopped into the store to browse around. It was great fun!

We had tickets for the Met's game that night, and I was super excited because REO Speedwagon was playing after the game! I've been listening to REO since I was like twelve years old. I'm very open when it comes to music, and there was no lacking genre that didn't some how make it into my childhood. I've been feeling really great about my exercise and eating habits in New York thus far. Running up and down the subway all day makes plenty of room for exercise, plus walking all around helps a lot too. So glad I brought two pairs of sneakers this time! I mostly wore my chucks, but they totally did the trick! 

We met up with Hien and her boyfriend at Met's stadium and had some great seats! They were super high up in section five, but we were sitting so we could see just about everything! It was really great planning on Hien's part! The tickets were only $25 and that is a STEAL with a concert to go with it! The Met's ended up losing to the Red's, but that's okay. They played a great game, and I didn't even eat anything there! I was still full from eating earlier, and I wouldn't be able to fit anymore in me. 

Once the game ended, we rushed down the stadium to get closer to the field. REO came running out and they immediately started rocking out. I was totally in my glory. Yet another thing I can cross off my bucket list! We stayed and listened for about an hour after the game. They played my three favorite songs, "take it on the run", "can't fight this feeling" and "keep on loving you" of course! After the concert, we headed back to rest our busy little bodies. I'm still having a hard time remembering what we did on what day! It's been craziness since I got into the city, but I was enjoying all of it!

Summer in the city

Thursday, I spent most of the day by myself.

It was actually really refreshing. Because I am no longer afraid of the subway system, I can navigate very well. I of course, slept in because that is what I do on my weeks off. Don't judge me, you would totally sleep in too if you worked the hours I work! I got up, ate some cheerios, took my meds, strapped on my chucks and out the door I went! 

Exploring my sister's neighborhood was a lot of fun. There are so many places to walk around to, so many shops to go in and out of. I'm not one of those people who needs someone to hold my hand while I go to new places. Who gives a shit right, I mean it's NY! I went into Aldo, only to find nothing I liked. Sigh. I really love their shoes too! That's okay! I walked up and down the streets popping in and out of random shops. There were a lot of really great things everywhere, but I had no need to buy anything. What a shame! Too bad there weren't any cute dresses that were in my size, I would have snatched them up quickly! 

It was really hot and I had been walking around for almost two hours when I decided to go into Barnes and Noble. Being a Kindle owner, I totally cheated. There's something about holding a book, that makes me feel at ease. It's nice to just read fiction. After so many years of school, it is a totally refreshing experience to just read a story versus physics and anatomy. I've been looking to educate myself more on real estate. What I should know about renting, buying, owning and selling. You never know what could happen! Buying a home is a giant deal, and I want to know everything while I still have the chance to. Thank God for "The Dummy" books, I'll read up on mine when I have time!

After my wee break in Barnes and Noble, I headed downtown in the city. Han was going to meet us at the office, and we would all go home together. My poor sister! She just started this job, and she's had non stop company for almost a month now. Yikes! Her office is really great, and I love that it's in a really great part of NY. We went to this Greek place for dinner near home, and it was okay. I'm not a big fan of Mexican or Mediterranean food. There's just something in those spices that I really don't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I'll eat tacos and hummus any day, but I usually don't stray too far from them. I'm kind of a drag to eat with I guess. Everyone else in my family seems to love those two types of food. The only real Greek I enjoy, are Greek salads and feta cheese. That's about it! I'm not really a fan of baklava either! 

The portion size of my meal was way too big! I ordered the beef kabob and when it came out, it looked like I ordered an entire side of beef. Gross. I had already eaten my salad that came with my meal, so I only ate a few bites of the meat and a few spoonfuls of rice. I hate to say it too, because I can't stand seeing food go to waste...and that's exactly what happened. I don't know what's wrong or right with me anymore. It seems like I'm eating less and less, and everyone around me is becoming really concerned. I have to admit, I didn't notice I was eating less until I started going to eat with other people. It's amusing the things you notice when you're eating with people. The quantity of food, how much you eat until you're full, and how much they eat. I'm not food policing anyone, it's just something that I'm becoming more aware of. The girls got really concerned for me, but I think it's normal. Once you've been on a regiment like mine for six months, you don't really go back to eating how you used to. At least now, I can't see how I could ever eat as much as I did. 

Chelsea Dagger

Hello New York!

Chelsea is probably one of my favorite places in NYC. It's filled with so many great shops, eateries and things to see. Kimberly is a friend that I met through my sister. She is super sweet and really fun to hang out with. Every time I'm in town, I always try to make a point to see her.

We met up in Chelsea to check out Chelsea Market. For those of you who haven't been there, you have to go! It's sort of an indoor mall that has lots of places to eat, shop and such. It's very similar to Faneuil Hall in Boston. Food Network and MLB offices are upstairs in Chelsea Market. Basically you can go in there, browse around and find something you like. Each place has a little something different to offer. There are lots of bakeries, clothing stores, savory foods, and grocery type stores to explore. We went into The Lobster Place, and found sushi and other things to eat. I of course, chose the lobster to eat! Kimberly and Samine (her hubby) got sushi and lobster also. We scurried back outside and found a place to sit.

It was really nice to just sit in the middle of Chelsea enjoying a great day, eating lunch with really good company! I really love Kimberly, and her hubby was just like her so there wasn't anything not to love about him too! After lunch, Kimberly took me on a walk all around the area. It's not as expensive as say the Upper East Side of the city, but there are still lots of designer stores and such to go in. I didn't have any interest in going to them. Why bother, when I don't have that kind of money to blow right?! 

Again, I only ate about half or maybe a bit more of my lobster but definitely not the entire thing. I was really worried about what I would be facing in NYC, with all of it's food attractions. We walked around the area for a good 45mins until we had to part ways and go on with our days. I took the train to my sister's new office. It was great there! The subway dumped me off right in front of the World Trade Center construction site, and I was able to see some memorials there. St. Paul's Chapel was right next to it, so I stopped inside for a peek. It was really moving all of the collages set there. After Hien got out of work, we met up with Whitney for some dinner plans that included Peking Duck! ENOUGH SAID. It's the best duck place to go to in NYC. Delish!  

Drive

I survived my first drive into NYC!

Tuesday rolled around and I made the great adventure to the city. I was super nervous about driving, seeing as people are effing crazy drivers in big cities. The bus was definitely not an option. Upon leaving, my mom threw a fit because she was scared for me to drive. When she came to terms that I was doing it, she of course didn't hesitate on making me cart a bunch of shit for my sister.

It was pouring the whole way there! Rain is a sensitive subject around these areas. We've been hit twice now with big flooding disasters and everyone tends to be on edge. The drive in wasn't too bad to be completely honest. I'm not really sure why I was so scared to drive. Tolls of course were a bit expensive, but whatever it's still better than driving the bus. I got into my sister's neighborhood, and found a parking garage I had made arrangements with. The streets have metered parking with a two hour maximum. There was seriously no way that I would be able to keep moving my wheels.

After getting settled in, I made plans to meet up with some friends. Marissa just got a job in the city, and she lived with good friend's of ours. Robbi and her came to get me for dinner and drinks, and boy was that a mistake! We got onto the Grand Central, keep in mind still raining and hit a gaping pot hole the size of VW Bug. Pop went the tire, and there we were. Stranded on the side of the freeway, six cars pulled over behind us and another one in front. Thanks New York for not patching up highways! Some construction guy probably dug that hole with a jack hammer to create more business for the tow trucks!

We all were a bit confused and intimidated to change the tire. Luckily Robbi had a full tire in his trunk. With a little help from our other flat tire friend in front of us, we were able to get it on and go to dinner. There was a burger place near by we went to. I ordered a burger and a margarita. I couldn't finish either of them. Marissa took the other half of my burger for her lunch the next day, so it worked out pretty well! I caught a cab ride back, seeing as I didn't want to traumatize Robbi anymore than I already had.

Overall, the ride honestly was pretty smooth. Traffic of course was heavy at times, but I'm feeling super accomplished and proud of myself. NYC is not as scary to navigate as I thought it would be, and I'm finally feeling like I'm getting the hang of everything after all these years! PLUS, I don't feel bad about not finishing my food---seeing as it was probably awful for me anyway!

The 5-0!

Of food that is.

How annoying. Have you ever noticed when you start something new, say like a diet everyone has to put their two cents in? Like tell you what to do, or remind you about what you should and shouldn't eat when they're with you? It's exhausting.

God love my sister, she's the only sister I have. It doesn't help that she is pretty small, and can literally eat anything she wants. I swear she has a hallow leg, the girl eats TONS and then is hungry again like a half hour later. She is ALWAYS concerned about my weight and my program. When I say "concerned", what I really mean--is that she's my FOOD POLICE.

YUP. You read correctly, and I KNOW you all can relate. Food police. It isn't that I'm just being stubborn and wanting to made bad decisions, I just don't need to be constantly reminded of what I should and shouldn't be eating. It's real easy for other people to look from the outside in. I don't NEED to be told what I should order, what I should eat, what I can't have, what I can do. It's ridiculous, and so annoying that it makes me not want to eat with anyone anymore.

My girlfriends are really great about my weight loss. They all take part in making healthy decisions with me, and sometimes making unhealthy ones lol. We all try to go out together, and budget what we have. We'll make plans to eat places, where we can't cheat. Where things can be healthy or we split things. The worst part about going with the girls is the drinking. That to me, is totally WORSE than eating bad food. 

I try really hard not to police anyone. Only if they ask me to help out. But on the other hand, my girls make a big effort to not eat bad shit in front of me. You know what I mean? Food police are THE WORST when they're preaching to you about eating healthy, and they're eating SUPER BAD. But do you really think they're going to take advice from a chubbster like you when you try to police them? Fat chance. That's like having a recovering alcoholic as a best friend, and then guzzling beers and shots in front of them. Get real people!

All I'm saying, is I don't need the worry about the 5-0 at the dinner table. I am perfectly able to make healthy choices for myself, and portion control. My weight loss is a constant struggle, that being said I'm always aware of it. I was leaving the house today and my dad yelled back at me and said 

"Hey! You look great! Keep it up and try to lose some more. I know you can!"

Even though dad says my weight loss isn't quite enough or where he wants to see it, it meant a lot to me. This comes from a man who on a daily basis hounds me about my size. It's nice to have people notice, especially when they've been your police all your life. If I can make one healthier decision than I had made last year, that's a feat in and of itself. One healthy choice leads to another, and then another. It's really going into a positive direction, so lay off the third degree and put your spot light away!

Back to focus

Sorry for all the melodramatic blog posts.

This whole weight loss crusade I'm on, has been really strange to say the least. I'm trimming the fat so to speak on my entire life. Body, soul, emotionally and mentally. It makes the most sense really. Why not strive to grow for the better? Might as well do it all at once, that way you'll save yourself some time.

Working night shift has been pretty good actually. I don't mind working nights, I actually rather like them. For the most part I'm by myself, so I have more control over how I do my cases. You can't get in a whole lot of trouble if no one else is really around, and it is in general more relaxed. I had a tough time getting my head wrapped around this whole thing. When you're working night shift, it is so hard not to go into garbage mode and eat everything in sight. It's like you're totally eating out of nothing but boredom! 

I went out and stocked up on plenty of fruits and veggies to hold me over. When I get up in the afternoon, I just poke around the house. Munching on a protein bar usually helps before I go into work, but other than that I can't really say the night shift is great nutritional conditioning. It's hard to figure out what meal to eat. You're not really eating dinner but it feels like it. I usually stop eating after 7pm, so it's been crazy hard for me to get myself around it.

After I left work this morning, I hopped on the scale only to find I had dropped three pounds. I'm not surprised really, if I'm just eating ruffage you know lol. It made me feel better any how, because I know I'm doing the right thing by monitoring what I eat at night. Tonight is my last night shift before I'm off again. I requested some vacation days, and I plan on spending some time with friends tomorrow. After that it's back to NYC for me again. Han is flying in from LA and I'm super excited to see her and visit! It'll be fun for sure.

I've decided to pony up and just drive into the city. I'm for sure not going to deal with dragging my rolley bag all over the city, up and down the subway. I almost think paying for parking and driving in myself, is a WHOLE lot better than dry heaving for three hours on the journey there. Besides, I won't have to worry about anyone's "Mexican salsa" music this time and the mean drivers yelling! LOL

Enough to make me cry

and cry some more.

I cannot express to you all, how extremely disappointed and disgusted I am with people's behaviors. In fact, I'm down right embarrassed for them. Make no mistake, I don't consider myself an Angel...but there comes a point when enough is enough.

Family is something they say that never ends. BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND--they all end but family doesn't. I'm beginning to think that it's kind of a myth. I never though I'd be one to write a family member off, but recent circumstances have had me thinking otherwise. I've been accused of having a short fuse, and I've done my best to harness it. For the most part, I've been able to deal with things and articulate what is bothering me in an adult fashion. I love my family, I really do. But sometimes I feel like I'm obligated to love them because they are family.

When people act a fool, it is always embarrassing. I hate watching people make a complete asshole out of themselves. There are people in this world that simply will not own up to any responsibility. For example, people who are miserable at the hands of themselves. Everyone hasn't had a perfect life. What's happened in the past, you can do nothing about. You can only control the present. How you deal with things, is entirely up to YOU. I can't have respect for someone who insists on blaming other people for how shitty their lives our. YOU are the one making it shitty. You are your own problem, and YOU are your own solution. On top of it, these "fine specimens" of perpetual toddlers turn into narcissistic bastards that have to have control over everything, and think the bane of their existence is to point out how fucked up everyone else is.  Everyone else of course knows and understands that actions like these, are only an attempt to try and turn the focus on someone else. Not only have I witnessed this in other areas of life, I've witnessed this in my own family. And of course no one can say anything to people that are like this, because as soon as you say it out loud and it becomes "reality", they tweak out and start a temper tantrum.

It hurts. What makes it even worse, is when you see your own flesh and blood act like this to your own kin. Fuck that shit. While everyone else sits idly and says nothing (because they've been conditioned to not want to deal with drama), I feel the need to speak up. Silence is not always the answer. When people act like this, they need to be called the fuck out. Half the reason why people act like this is because no one has ever stood up to them--telling them to calm their shit down. I can't stand it. It makes me feel absolute pity for them. They will die alone, with no real love in their lives. And it is no one's fault, but their own. I feel sorry for you. So sorry that it makes me cry when I think about the way they've behaved. 

Taking the route of less friction, is not always a good idea. In circumstances like these, I feel like someone needs to speak up and smack this fucker down. I am in no circumstance obligated to reach out to this person, for my own reasons. Not that they would care very much anyway. It's not okay to sit and judge other people, rag on family members in front of me, and talk shit about me behind my back. Fuck you and your miserable negativity. I don't want to be around someone like this, and I feel PITY FOR EVERYONE YOU COME IN CONTACT WITH. Must be difficult to be an actor all the time, I almost understand why you act the way you do. In this particular situation, distance is the key.

All I'm saying is, it's a shame. I don't understand why people can't just let things ride out. Our time on Earth is undetermined. Don't you want to make the best out of it? Why have such a horrible attitude? We come into the world alone, and we die alone. Why should ANYONE choose to BE ALONE while we still have the chance to not be lonely?

Guilt, trouble, anxiety, am I responsible?!

Why do I always think I'm in trouble?!

Lately I've been thinking about my other insecurities. This whole journey has taught me to dig deep, and to not be so afraid to confront demons. I've had this overwhelming problem, where I think I'm in trouble for like everything. Normally I would say to someone else they must be feeling guilty about something, but I have nothing to be guilty about!

Work for example. Why am I always worried if my actions will get me in trouble? I've had my issues, and I've no doubt been in a lot of situations I didn't expect to see myself in. Am I insecure that I'll lose my job? With this economy, it makes a lot of sense for people to be afraid. I'm always clinging onto the concept of "don't give them a reason to fire you". And for the most part I don't. The constant pressure of not being a nuisance or a trouble maker has been weighing on my shoulders heavily these days. I love my job, I'm great at my job. So why should I be afraid? Have I been conditioned to be in a perpetual state of fear? Is this my fault?

Family stress is always a given. Even more so, now that we have some big events coming up. Of course every family is fucked up in their own way. There is no normal. Being fucked up is normal, okay! I find myself cleaning up a lot of messes, that really have nothing to do with me. Why does everyone else make things be such a big deal? And then it snowballs into a greater mess until it rolls down the hill and buries us all! Wouldn't it be just a perfect place if everyone could just roll with things? I thought my mother was the queen of embellishing things to the point of being obnoxious; however I'm finding out that this must be a family trait. I hate taking sides, and I don't like hearing people complain about each other in the family. And when I say complain, I'm referring to down right hurtful comments and actions. Someday we all will learn just how quickly our lives can change, in very negative ways. I'm not being a pessimist, I'm being realistic. The people that you've held such anger towards, will probably be the ones in the end you're begging to see again just one more time. 

Why is it that I'm always in situations, where I feel like the "glue" that holds everything together? I have this overwhelming "responsibility" inside of me to make things okay for everyone...everyone but me. If I didn't take these things on, would the world end? Probably not, but there would be far less friction. Now I understand why people become hermits I suppose. I don't want to be a hermit, I just don't want to clean up messes anymore. 

My life has changed in so many ways. I feel like I'm still Thao, but I'm so much more than her. I haven't completely changed, I've just grown. There is a big difference in changing and growing. I still have the same qualities about me, I've just either tacked on things or gotten rid of some. I've gone to therapists before, and maybe I should consider seeing someone about this. I'm not a wreck about these issues at all, I just need someone to kind of coach me into dealing with this effectively. 

The lessons I've been learning have been huge. For the most part I've been able to work through things and figure it out myself. Perhaps it is time to get someone else's opinions. Is it just in my nature to have guilty, anxiety, and responsibility in my character? Am I missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere? I feel like I must be. I have no interest in putting blame on anyone, I'm past that point. I don't need to put blame anywhere to explain my own issues in my head. This is just one of those cosmic blog posts tonight. There has to be an answer out there somewhere, and I'm determined to find it.

I love the nightlife baby

Preparing for night shift, is kind of the pits.

I forced myself to stay awake until 5am. I watched You've Got Mail on repeat about eight times. UGH, how am I ever going to survive the first night?! First night shift, is always the worst. It isn't until the second day you do it, when things even out. I'm not so much concerned about being able to handle it. I've been covering night shift on and off for five years now, and I'm not a lot of things scare me anymore. After all, being a shit magnet has its perks.

The one and only real fear I have about covering, is the eating situation. It is so freaking hard not to eat during the night. For those of you who understand what I'm talking about, am I right or what!? People at work talk a lot of smack about the night shifters coming in and immediately eating. Do we bitch when you day people come in and eat your breakfast? NO, so why are you ragging on the night guys? You'd have to work a 12 hour night shift, to understand how it works. Trust me, you'd be eating too.

I'm still confused as to how I'm supposed to take my medications. I'm assuming that I should just stick to my regular schedule. This means when I get home, I'll take my Metformin and Tricor like normal, even though I'll be sleeping all day? And then take my second dose when I get up in the afternoon? I'm so confused. How am I supposed to take my vitamins?! Good grief, this is causing me more problems than I had anticipated.

Needless to say, I'm only bringing healthy snacks with me to work. I plan on going to Wegmans before I go in for my shift tomorrow night. That way, I can get some fresh fruit and veggies to bring in. If I only surround myself with healthy snacks, I can't feel too guilty about eating after hours when I normally don't. What is normal anyway?!! I this real life?! I'm not sure. 

Wish me luck! I've decided I want to get down another ten pounds by the end of this month and I'm bound and determined to do it! 

WTF Tuesday.

I didn't get to weigh in.

In fact, I was on my way to my appointment when work called me. Wednesday starts the beginning of my next work rotation, so naturally I knew something was up. They asked me to work night shift due to an emergency, and I like a dumbass said yes. Due to the circumstances for my night guy, it is not an issue at all. In fact, working nights is kind of nice. I get to sleep in and I don't have to deal with any drama because I'm pretty much by myself. The only thing that I'm miffed about is the weekend, because I may have to potentially use my vacation hours to cover if my night guy comes back Sunday. Which is bullshit, because I'm DOING THEM A FAVOR AND I SHOULDN'T GET PENALIZED FOR IT. 

I headed to the office only to find some crazy lady parked all weird in the lot. I took a minute to gather my things, and couldn't help to notice she was staring at me. The perks of having great peripheral vision, you see a lot more than normal people do. I got out of my car and she rolled down the window to tell me the office was closed. CLOSED?! Thanks for the effing phone call! I walked up to the door, only to find a note stuck on it. It said pretty much sorry for the inconvenience and the office was closed due to an illness.

SOMEONE had to come to put the sign on the door, so obviously they didn't think to call and let us know. Whatever, it made me feel like I was in college again. Her office is upgrading their system, they text you and give you an automated call for appointment reminders. It would have super nice if we had it available online. Where patients could just schedule their own appointments and shit there, instead of answering to someone else.

I'm not too upset I didn't get to weigh in. According to my scale, I put on three pounds again. MF'er!!!! Guess I won't be able to find anything out for another two weeks. That's right people you read correctly, two weeks. I'm headed out of town on Monday, so no weigh in for me. Grrr....

It can't always be fun

Ohhh right!

This blog is about losing weight! Weight that seems to destroy my moods! UGH. SO I go for my appointment tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it. The first thing I did when I got home, was hop on the scale. My sister is smart, she doesn't have a scale at her apartment.

According to my scale, I have gained weight back. I refuse to allow myself to tell all of my readers how much I "gained back", until I got to my appointment tomorrow. This whole weight fluctuation is enough to make me SCREAM LIKE THE CRAZED NON MELTING GIRL I AM!

It seriously is incredibly frustrating! I've increased my exercise and walked TONS this weekend, not to mention hauling a ton of crap with me! I'm sure that I burned off more calories than I took in! And if I by chance didn't, I burned at least half of them off! The whole muscle weighs more than fat thing, is just annoying at this point. I was all excited too.

My sister hasn't seen me in a month. When she saw me she told me I looked really good. I had on a little pink mango dress with an open back for the birthday party. It has thick criss cross bands in the back, so a triangle sized portion of your back is bare. It's super cute. Although I still have a little rollage back there (back fat is EXTREMELY difficult to lose), I thought why the hell not and wore it. It wasn't until we got back to her apartment when I changed into my shorts and tee shirt. I went around to where she was standing brushing her teeth in the bathroom to ask a question, and she freaked out. She said she didn't realize how much smaller I got until just then. Keep in mind, my dress did cover up my legs, booty and belly. I was SO excited to hear her say that! She was REALLY surprised at how much smaller I got.

Most of my girlfriends tell me I look smaller, and I feel like I do too. I just can't help that I let a small square shaped electronic number machine made by the Devil himself, get to me! How many of you out there think the scale is your biggest nemesis? Because that's exactly how I feel! It is a CONSTANT struggle to lose and maintain your weight loss. No matter what, you should always strive to better yourself. I'm putting more effort in this, than I ever have before. So why do I feel so discouraged? 

I'm blaming this on constipation by the way...

Hip hip, ow?

PAIN.

I've had problems with my hips for a while now. They feel tight sometimes, and when I stretch they sometimes make this loud disgusting pop/crack noise. This can't be good. 

I woke up on Sunday only to find myself in excruciating pain. I thought at first I had just slept on it wrong, and then it just got worse as the day went on. i am NO BABY when it comes to walking around in the city. Sure I get pissed when my sister takes us the wrong way and makes me walk like a mile out of the way, but honestly I get over it. This was a different kind of pain. It wasn't like a muscle strain at all, this felt like the bone. 

On your femur (the upper part of your leg), you have two notch like protuberances. They are referred as the greater and lesser trochanter. The greater trochanter is on the upper outside portion of the head of the femur. It was there, that I was having pain. It almost felt like it wasn't in place, it was out of socket like a dislocation. This happened to my collar bone on the right side a few weeks ago. I slept on it wrong, and I felt like it popped out and I couldn't pop it back in. Disgusting as it is, I had to have my Dad help me out. It did end up popping out of place and it had to go back in somehow. It didn't hurt as bad as it sounds, trust me. It's happened to me before, so I knew what it felt like. This hip thing is entirely something new.

Hien had me do all kinds of stretches in the middle of the street in Brooklyn. I didn't care if I looked like an idiot, I was willing to do whatever it took to make the pain go away. It started to interfere with the way I walked. Like I had a limp, and looked like an Asian Quasimoto. Totally not attractive. It's hard to describe what it felt like. I have never had this problem before. Hien thinks maybe it has something to do with my weight/weight loss but I don't believe it for a second. This is the FIRST time this has happened to me. If I stemmed from my weight, I would have had pain all along. I'm pretty sure I had hip dysplagia as a child, so it's probably not all that uncommon. 

That night I tried my best to sleep flat on my back. I woke up this morning, and the pain had subsided significantly. I'm pretty sure that one of my SI joints was out of place. I need to go to a chiropractor. It's a done deal, I'm going to have to go. If I want to get all lined up again, and not have this pain I'm just going to have to swallow my pride and just freaking do it. UGH but I'm scared...

There will be no hip hip horrays in this blog entry today.

All mixed up

What a bottle of emotions this weekend!

I finally got to see my favorite Auntie and Uncle this weekend. It's been a really long time since the last I saw them, I wasn't even legal to drive yet! It was a really nice weekend, although I never feel like I have enough time with family.

We met up in Brooklyn and I was so anxious to see everyone. They obviously had aged, and I just now understood what my mom was stressing to me all along. You should ALWAYS make time for the ones that you love. Being apart from your family, is incredibly difficult. Especially when you love them so much. It's really hard. I never understood why my sister got so upset because I hardly came to visit her, now I know. It was a bittersweet visit, filled with lots of smiles, laughs and crying. 

I of course got to see Sivan! He's really my second cousin, but he calls me his Auntie. It's just way easier and I kind of like having a "nephew" I can buy really awesome stuff for. He turned three years old this week, and it really awesome. Last year when I saw him, he didn't really talk to much. This year he serenaded me with his singing skills and air guitar to Queen. Which is totally hilarious, I could just save the moment forever. We took him to the park, fed him ice cream and went to dinner. It was a great time with my family, and the next day was his birthday party. We had Moroccan food for dinner. Although it was good, it wasn't my favorite. I don't think I'll ever really care for tahini. You know, that spice they put in hummus? I LOVE HUMMUS, but I always make mine without the tahini. I think it tastes weird, but what the hell do I know?! 

I tried extremely hard this weekend to portion control. Totally didn't eat the best food, but it wasn't the worst either. For breakfast on Saturday Hien took me to this place called Ripe. They have organic food, juices and such. We had whole wheat breakfast wraps with steamed veggies, and all natural smoothie for breakfast. I didn't feel so terrible about it, so the Moroccan food wasn't all that much of a bad choice either. They had this eggplant that was AMAZING. My love for eggplant is definitely increasing. I forgot how much I liked it, until dinner this weekend.

No matter what, your family should always come first. I know that it's really hard to have "good" relationships with people and things get complicated. But if you should make an effort on any relationship, it should be with your parents and your immediate family members. I've said it before, and I'll say this again. There comes a point in your life, when you realize that your parents are just people like you. They make mistakes, they do what they have to do, they're not always perfect and they don't always have the answers. Even if you think they've wronged you in lots of ways, I hope that someday you can forgive them. As you will soon find out yourself as a parent, the need for your children to understand you. We all do the best we can, with what we have. Don't harbor feelings of anger and sadness. Change what you can, while you still have time to change it. Our days are out numbered. Life is a strange thing. You come into life, live it and die. Then what? I hope that all of us can look back after we have passed (where ever we go, if it's anywhere?) and feel like we led a fulfilled life. 

Don't choose to miss out on having people in your life, simply because they've hurt you. "Your childhood is something you'll spend the rest of your life trying to get over". It is totally true. This past year has made me realized a lot of things about other people, but mostly myself. The way that I care for my family, and my parents are changing. One day the roles will be reversed, but I don't want to wait until that day to change my relationships while I still have time to. I try to be a good daughter, sister, cousin, auntie, friend. And this is a life changing habit I fully intend to keep up with.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!

Anyone that knows me, knows I get car sick. AND NO for your information, it's NOT from looking out the damn window. I don't get sick on roller coaster rides, just bus rides and in the back seats of cars. It blows. Good thing no one ever sits with me, they'll catch me dry heaving. I must say though, I'm pretty damn good about not making it obvious.

The bus ride to NYC is THE WORST part about the whole trip. It's exhausting. This trip was kind of funny though. Couldn't get a seat at the very front, so I had to settle for sitting like mid front area. We weren't even five miles away from the station when the bus driver made like six announcements to turn down the music. This guy sitting a few rows behind me was blasting Spanish music. The bus driver made his last announcement and screamed into the microphone:

"Am I gonna have to pull over this bus, because someone is listening to Mexican salsa music mad loud?!"

I started CRACKING up, I couldn't stop laughing. This old woman behind me tapped the guy, and like the fiesta music immediately stopped. It was hysterical. About half an hour into the trip, it was dry heaves all over again. Great. My whole objective going to the city was to face my fear of navigation. I honestly don't know how people survive without smart phones. It's like Harry Potter not having a wand. I LIVE by my phone. It is totally sick that I am LOST literally without it! I downloaded this app Hot Stop, and I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone travelling in the NYC area. It tells you what train to take, when it is arriving and direct details on how to get from point A to point B. You can also save it and open the app up when you're in the subway--where there of course, is no cell reception. All together, between previous experience and my phone it was fairly easy! I am just a little nerve shot with all things new, but I'm glad I finally am able to feel confident in finding my way.

Friday night I went to meet my sister and her friend to celebrate her birthday. Hailey is a good friend of my sister's and we were doing dinner that night. There were about 12 of us, which was kind of strange. I only knew one other person besides my sister and Hailey (who I had just met). The dinner was fun, it was at this penthouse that was really nice. I totally would not do it again though, I didn't anticipate spending THAT much for dinner and one bloody drink but whatever. As long as Hailey didn't have to pay for her birthday dinner, it was all good!

It's really draining travelling in NYC. I'd so much rather have my car. I'm debating whether or not to just drive into the city next week. Han is coming home, and I am headed back there. I just really hate lugging around my suitcase and a zillion bags. How annoying. I can park in my sister's neighborhood, and I'm not afraid to drive there. The only bitch is, I have to pay to park and move my car every other day. GRRRR. I'm bound to forget where the hell I parked, but it's better than trying not to puke every time I take the bus. I also get super exhausted from all the train hopping. I would of course be taking the train and leaving my car, there is no way in hell I'm actually driving in the streets of New York. Screw that! What do you guys think? Bite the bullet and just drive there, or literally hold my breath and stick with the bus?