Teetering

Damn you scale!

Here we go again, on the great teeter totter. This past weekend at the festival was a little crazy for me. I wouldn't say that we ate horribly, actually we ate more like birds than anything! I went back to work yesterday and ate with a vengeance. I can sit here all day and preach about making healthy choices, but I'm only human for fuck's sake! Everyone cheats, and the horribly way I justify my cheating is with portion control. It could be worse I suppose, I could totally engorge myself into eating like a sloppy pig. 

No one likes to go to the bathroom when they're camping. I have total stage fright when I have to pee in the woods. It's like I freeze and can't concentrate. No idea why, I just can't bring myself to do it! I tried going to the bathroom during my weekend, and literally just couldn't. I thought I'd be in some major pain when I got home--but I totally wasn't. Here we go with the "shit talking" literally! LOL. They say you should go regular like everyday, but I don't always. I mean, it just depends! I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should, and the only thing to blame on that is pure laziness. Totally disgusting. I am just too lazy to pop a few pills in the morning and afternoon. Lamesauce excuse! Either way, I'm finding that I'm not as "bound up" when I don't take all my vitamins. It's probably the iron pills, actually I know it's the iron pills!

I hopped on the scale today at work, and was horrified. Mind you, I went on it after I ate so I'm not sure how accurate it was. According to that scale, I gained back 3.5-4lbs from last week. FML. It's a good thing I don't weigh in for almost two weeks! My next scheduled appointment is with Dr. Cusimano herself, so I really want to make her proud! Last time I saw her, I hit my 20lb loss. This time when I see her I want to have exceeded my goal and hit my 40lb loss mark. I'm pretty damn close to hitting 40lbs if I do say so myself! Just a few more weeks, and I'll be in the 160's again! Yahoo!

It's crazy, looking at myself in the mirror now. I still see the same problem areas that I had before. It's strange to me, because I still see myself as "not being that bad". The same exact attitude I had when I was 30lbs heavier, and that scares me. During my camping trip this weekend, is when I started noticing a major change in my body. I am a total shutterbug. I take pictures of everything, I can't help it. Even going through my camera to see my pics during the weekend, I could see the visible changes in my body and in my face! It hit home even more when I uploaded them on my Facebook! Comparing the pics from just a year ago, to the ones I have now is totally mind blowing. I can't believe how full my face was, how chunky my arms were, how so in denial I was. I can honestly say, that I never want to get to that point in my life again. Not at all. 

Every week that I go back to work, people are always commenting on how I'm shrinking. I've even been able to motivate people at work to hop on the healthy band wagon. Anything in this life is possible. If I can do it, you can too. I know it's hard and you don't want to, but please trust me when I say that it is a game changer. Losing weight isn't just about the physical, it's a total transformation on your soul. Crazy dramatic, but it is. If you're like me, you reflect how you feel physically. And baby, sometimes that reflection isn't pretty. One of my secretaries at work is always telling me how pretty I am. Actually a lot of people tell me that. I didn't start believing them until just recently. Why shouldn't I?! You should give yourself the credit you deserve! Stop teetering yourself between living and limbo. Know that you deserve the very best in your life. Whether it's living a comfortable one, obtaining love, having fun, laughing etc. 

I never looked at myself as "the pretty one". I always viewed myself as "one of the girls". I used to think there wasn't anything particularly special about me. That even though I stood out with my personality, I kept trying to blend myself in behind the shadows of others. I was the girl no one ever looked at, as girlfriend material. She was just "a really good friend". I truly believed that I wasn't attractive, not like the others. That I could never have a man who truly wanted me. Things are different now. I'm older, and have been through a lot more. It's hard to convince yourself of anything, when you've beaten yourself into submission that you're something--you're totally not. I realize now my confidence is on a healthy incline. I am beautiful, inside and out. I have a heart of gold, that most people honestly get confused by. I am strong, dedicated, hard working, goal oriented, I'm an over achiever, tenacity out the ass, I am independent, I am loving. I am everything that someone should want, but not need to survive. I deserve to be treated well, to have things to look forward to in my life and not just down. I am an incredible machine, a force to be reckoned with and one hell of a catch.

How can you focus on moving forward, when you're constantly looking in the rear view mirror? Don't be afraid of "change", be excited to grow! And know in your heart of hearts, that some day things will be for the better. That even if you're at your happiest now, you can be even happier. Don't keep yourself in this perpetual state of teetering. It's all there right in front of you, just go for it! :)

"Grey Street" was totally written about me. This is the girl I used to be, until I realized there were people out there bringing the color back into my life.