Losses in a time of gains

Sometimes, it doesn't feel right.

I've been working and focused on losing weight. It has been an incredibly long journey, and I know it won't be over for a long while. I've come down to the realization that all of the losses, physical, emotional and spiritual have helped me in so many ways gain my strength back. It's true when they say:

"hitting rock bottom is good, because there's only one way to go; up."

I used to freaking HATE when people said that to me. That's the last line of crap you want to hear when you're going through a tough time. Even when you know deep down it's true. I've felt like lately I'm just going through the motions in my life to get by. I'm a walking ghost among the living. The walking wounded. And for the most part, that's exactly how I've been. Numbing the pain at the expense of your liver, is never a good idea. Drinking tends to bring out inner demons that come rapidly to the surface--and you can't run away from them. I feel like we all walk on a tight rope. If you "process" things and take your time, you can become a part of the walking wounded. If you suppress things, you risk them taking a toll and all hell breaking loose. Is there an in between? Anyone? Can anyone answer that question for me?

Probably not, because y'all are just as fucked up as I am! Truth is, we all go through things in our own way and time. No matter what anyone tells you in terms of advice, it's just something you have to find out for yourself. Does that mean people should punish you for it? Hell no. The true people who love you, will stand by you and understand. They may not agree with you, but they certainly shouldn't make you feel like a giant pile of shit. You can totally feel like that on your own. All I'm saying, is that when you're trying to get someone through bad times--have some compassion, understanding and be firm. Don't try to blind someone by telling them what they want to hear, lead them gently back to reality. And if you can't do that, then help yourself to a big giant helping of shut the fuck up--and don't judge. No one wants to hear your negative bullshit. :) lol.

The last eight years of my life, have been filled with loss and sorrow. It is that same necessity of deep loss that has brought me out of the darkness. Weird isn't it? How could the things have happened to me, end up being good? Because I chose to grow from them. Use it as a learning experience. My heart is smashed, and damn near impossible to piece back together. It's coming back slowly and I'm working really hard at it. I've come a long way from the girl I used to be. I've grown and evolved into a more loving, understanding, forgiving, and tenacious human being. I have the ability and strength to get me through, and that's what matters to me. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine has passed away. I'm stunned. My heart is broken and I feel so much sorrow for those that loved him. He was a bright light, that was put out too early. The first time I met Ed, he showed me his tattoo on his arm. It said "live to tell". Of course it peaked my interest, so I asked him about it. Ed had come a long way from where he had been. Everything from taking steroids, to drug abuse led him down a road he had never anticipated on being in. Long story short, he ended up in a coma for the better half of a year. He left the hospital with more troubles than he went in with, but had a second chance at life. I'm not saying the man was perfect, lord knows we're all far from it. He had some pretty deep scars within him, that couldn't heal but he tried his damnedest. We had lost touch for a while, I knew he had moved back to the city. I talked to him last month, and he seemed like he was doing well. Ed always had "the shakes" in his hands, because of all the damage that happened to him.  Severely medicated as well. Today I learned that Ed passed away in his sleep last night. He had a seizure and it took his life away. I didn't know what to do. My first reaction was to cry, but I couldn't. I'm still in shock. We weren't super close, but I had considered him a friend and had plenty of good times with him.

Losses in a time of gains. Shaking my head. I've been surrounded by so much death, literal and figuratively it disgusts me. People want to sit and complain about how bad their lives are. Longing for the greener grass on the other side. What they forget and don't do--is tend the damn grass they're fucking on! Today is the youngest, and oldest we will be for the rest of our lives. TODAY. Start living it. For every loss you have in your life, you gain something else. You may not want to, or understand it but just let it happen. I've lost so much in my short juvenile life thus far, but I know for sure--there are gains to be made. Positive ones at that. It can't always be rainbows and butterflies, but you can have them for a little while. Just enjoy them, while you still can. 

Morbid I know, but everyday I wake up I can feel this life slipping away in my hands. When I'm on my death bed, I want to look back and say it was all worth it. That the life I had, was the best and happiest and I tried my hardest at everything I did. Don't you want to be able to do the same? Make it happen, and know in your heart of hearts that it'll all come out in the wash. You have to believe that things can be achieved in order for them to actually happen. The power of change and positive thinking. Just go on and do it.