Creatures of habit

Guilty as charged.

So I'm all into this concept of conditioning, and things becoming forms of habit. Dependency on things can lead you down a very unhappy road. I am a control freak. This is why I choose to drive most places, because I can't handle being at the mercy of other people. And it all comes down to trust. I could say I don't like it when other people drive, unless I trust them--but I don't! I cannot handle being stranded and being expendable to other people's agendas. What about me?! 

I would so much love to be the girl who flies by the seat of her pants all the time, but I can't. Structure is a big part of my life, and something I'm trying not to take so seriously anymore. I was bred to be prepared for my future, so much that in a way it has crippled me in my present life. PRESENT LIFE. Life that is going on NOW and around me. Not life that may or may not happen in the future! Sheesh, this whole freaking month is all about balancing shit with me. Do you guys notice I go through like these crazy themes from month to month? Things I focus on and try to work my way through to understand? Well if you didn't notice before, now it's wide open for your attention. 

This is why conditioning to have a healthy lifestyle is so important. We are all creatures of habits. If we continue a behavior for X amount of time and it brings good results, we can all of course assume to just keep on doing it. It all resides in the way you feel after you've done those things, that set apart if it's worth to keep doing. I've been going through a lot of shit lately. Easy example. This weekend, I didn't eat so well. I had diner food yesterday, and when I got up and around that's all I wanted to eat. Greasy diner food, or go out somewhere. WHY!? Because I touched the damn forbidden fruit! And to tell you the truth, I did NOT feel great about myself. I even said to everyone during brunch that this was the worst that I've eaten in a while! And there I was, a choice between put down the fork or to keep going. Can you guess what I did?! Kept going of course, until I got full--and no that doesn't mean I over ate by any means. Like I said--I've CONDITIONED myself to portion control in these bad shitty choices of food. It may have felt like food bliss heaven during the time, but immediately after I felt real bad about myself. We walked a few blocks to Joe's apartment and it helped a little, but not much. So what, I walked back a few blocks after eating 3/4 of an American cheese omelet, three pieces of buttered toast and half a piece of breakfast sausage. Shame, shame, shame. Y'all might not think that's a bad idea, but trust me it was. I felt like a pig ready for slaughter after, and the next day it brought nothing but cravings back. Shouldn't have done it!

So how exactly do we tackle this problem? DON'T ENGAGE IN THIS. Think long and hard before you do anything that is questionable. Like for example, day dreaming about getting back together in a relationship with an ex. Okay for one, they're exes for a reason. Two, if it was that great, how come it's gone now? Do you really want to go back to that in your life? So you've been through hell and back, does that mean you want to take that trip into the bowels of hell again?! Probably not. It all comes down to that stupid four letter word, that is extremely dangerous. HOPE. Hope is what has been keeping me between alive and dead for so many years. Not just with relationships, but with everything. Oh gee, work sucks real bad--I HOPE things will get better. NAH. EFF THAT. I'm not waiting on fucking shit anymore. Hope, you can go fuck yourself because right now you've turned me into a bitter nasty bitch. I bet you all thought I was talking about another four letter word ehh? Well let me tell you something about LOVE. There's a reason why they say it's blind. Because if you WEREN'T BLIND going into, and saw it clearly; you'd run as fast as your fucking legs could carry you in the other direction. No joke. Yes you should love every chance you get, because let's face it--you really don't have many chances. Try being in my shoes, and jumping back into shit with someone. Uh uh...you'll think about shit twice maybe three times. Sometimes I feel really bad for people that have any interest in me, because I am someone that needs to come with a fucking warning disclaimer! DAMAGED GOODS: FUBAR'D, TURN AROUND AND LEAVE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

This is all comic relief to me by the way. Saying shit out loud, doesn't make me feel so bad about my own demons. Moral of the story is, lack of spontaneity is not good for the soul. Change it up a little bit, and try something new. It's like a make over. Just because you've been wearing one look for a while and you think it's working for you, times are a changing. And you need to evolve as well. Go out and try a different approach to things. What you've been doing out of pure habit, keeps you in a state of purgatory. Don't you see? How much more hurt and anguish can be out there? If you have any sense about you, you'd immediately think "a lot can be out there". And maybe you're right, but how can you be sure if you don't try? If you don't gamble and take a risk? How terrible can things really be, versus the way things are now? Are you feeling alive everyday when you wake up? Like you're a beaming fucking ray of sunshine? If you answered NO, then do something about it. Go out and take a risk. 

Go out and get you some. Become addicted to the habit of trying something different. I can't promise anyone that it won't be great, but it's worth a shot. That's like all this yo-yo dieting bullshit. How are you supposed to find out if it actually works or not, based on constant researching and testimonials. Lots of money has been wasted and spent on things that didn't work for you. But guess what?! There's a whole lot more that can be done. You could be reading my blog, and thinking to yourself--yeah! I should try this! And I will tell you over and over again that you should. What do you have to lose, besides pounds? If you don't make an effort to improve your life, you might as well start picking out a coffin now. 

Don't be a habitual zombie. Take a chance and make a change in your life. If they're baby steps, than so be it. Don't keep yourself in a perpetual state of superbly messed up and unhappy. 

Can it happen?

Maybe, but probably not likely.

A few weeks ago, I had set my goal to be in the 160's by the end of the month. although I knew I could totally do it, I'm starting to think differently now. It's damn near the end of the month and I'm still maintaining at the mid 170's. It's totally better than I was before, but I can't help but feel a little down on myself. 

I'm trying to stay really hard and focused on losing the weight. I will for sure be smaller in October, and that I can totally promise you. I'm at the weight I was, my senior year of high school. I'd like to be smaller than this hello! It's recently occurred to me, that I am EXTREMELY lucky I carry my weight well. Not just masking how much I truly weigh, but I'm proportional.

Marissa cracked me up when we were hiking. My legs are pretty muscular, and at one point she said they were budging out! Nothing says sexy like a pair of manly legs! Truth is, my legs have shrunk! They've become skinnier, and where there is skinny--unfortunately there's lumpy. My upper inner thighs are nasty nast. I know that it's a process where I have to get them toned, and exercising more than I have been will take care of it. I'm just going to have to work at it. For losing as much weight as I have, I shouldn't be so hard on myself about the not so toned areas of my body. I could totally have loose saggy skin, but I'm taking care of this at an age where my skin is still pretty elastic. 

So can the 160's happen? Absolutely, but realistically not by the end of this month. I will sure as shit be in the 160's sometime during September. Mid September will be better than late at least. Upon getting a lot of outdoor exercise time in these past few weeks, I also haven't made the healthiest choices. Drinking and eating things I shouldn't be eating. BUT I will say this, there were plenty of times I stopped myself from over indulging. Marissa was telling me just yesterday she found an old planner and realized she was working out six times a week! No wonder she was itty bitty! When you're conditioned in that kind of a life style, you kind of take for granted of what you have. It isn't until you stop living that way, when your regrets start rolling in. 

I'm super happy to report back, that my good friend Lisa is doing REALLY well on the program! I'm super happy for her. I can't tell you what a gift it is, to feel like you actually have control over your life. That your hard work, pain and struggle in this can be SEEN by the naked eye! I'm so glad that I can pass this lifestyle on and help people. This has changed me for the better, and I can't thank Aviva and Dr. Cusimano enough. The best gift you can be given is life. 

Losses in a time of gains

Sometimes, it doesn't feel right.

I've been working and focused on losing weight. It has been an incredibly long journey, and I know it won't be over for a long while. I've come down to the realization that all of the losses, physical, emotional and spiritual have helped me in so many ways gain my strength back. It's true when they say:

"hitting rock bottom is good, because there's only one way to go; up."

I used to freaking HATE when people said that to me. That's the last line of crap you want to hear when you're going through a tough time. Even when you know deep down it's true. I've felt like lately I'm just going through the motions in my life to get by. I'm a walking ghost among the living. The walking wounded. And for the most part, that's exactly how I've been. Numbing the pain at the expense of your liver, is never a good idea. Drinking tends to bring out inner demons that come rapidly to the surface--and you can't run away from them. I feel like we all walk on a tight rope. If you "process" things and take your time, you can become a part of the walking wounded. If you suppress things, you risk them taking a toll and all hell breaking loose. Is there an in between? Anyone? Can anyone answer that question for me?

Probably not, because y'all are just as fucked up as I am! Truth is, we all go through things in our own way and time. No matter what anyone tells you in terms of advice, it's just something you have to find out for yourself. Does that mean people should punish you for it? Hell no. The true people who love you, will stand by you and understand. They may not agree with you, but they certainly shouldn't make you feel like a giant pile of shit. You can totally feel like that on your own. All I'm saying, is that when you're trying to get someone through bad times--have some compassion, understanding and be firm. Don't try to blind someone by telling them what they want to hear, lead them gently back to reality. And if you can't do that, then help yourself to a big giant helping of shut the fuck up--and don't judge. No one wants to hear your negative bullshit. :) lol.

The last eight years of my life, have been filled with loss and sorrow. It is that same necessity of deep loss that has brought me out of the darkness. Weird isn't it? How could the things have happened to me, end up being good? Because I chose to grow from them. Use it as a learning experience. My heart is smashed, and damn near impossible to piece back together. It's coming back slowly and I'm working really hard at it. I've come a long way from the girl I used to be. I've grown and evolved into a more loving, understanding, forgiving, and tenacious human being. I have the ability and strength to get me through, and that's what matters to me. 

I recently found out that a friend of mine has passed away. I'm stunned. My heart is broken and I feel so much sorrow for those that loved him. He was a bright light, that was put out too early. The first time I met Ed, he showed me his tattoo on his arm. It said "live to tell". Of course it peaked my interest, so I asked him about it. Ed had come a long way from where he had been. Everything from taking steroids, to drug abuse led him down a road he had never anticipated on being in. Long story short, he ended up in a coma for the better half of a year. He left the hospital with more troubles than he went in with, but had a second chance at life. I'm not saying the man was perfect, lord knows we're all far from it. He had some pretty deep scars within him, that couldn't heal but he tried his damnedest. We had lost touch for a while, I knew he had moved back to the city. I talked to him last month, and he seemed like he was doing well. Ed always had "the shakes" in his hands, because of all the damage that happened to him.  Severely medicated as well. Today I learned that Ed passed away in his sleep last night. He had a seizure and it took his life away. I didn't know what to do. My first reaction was to cry, but I couldn't. I'm still in shock. We weren't super close, but I had considered him a friend and had plenty of good times with him.

Losses in a time of gains. Shaking my head. I've been surrounded by so much death, literal and figuratively it disgusts me. People want to sit and complain about how bad their lives are. Longing for the greener grass on the other side. What they forget and don't do--is tend the damn grass they're fucking on! Today is the youngest, and oldest we will be for the rest of our lives. TODAY. Start living it. For every loss you have in your life, you gain something else. You may not want to, or understand it but just let it happen. I've lost so much in my short juvenile life thus far, but I know for sure--there are gains to be made. Positive ones at that. It can't always be rainbows and butterflies, but you can have them for a little while. Just enjoy them, while you still can. 

Morbid I know, but everyday I wake up I can feel this life slipping away in my hands. When I'm on my death bed, I want to look back and say it was all worth it. That the life I had, was the best and happiest and I tried my hardest at everything I did. Don't you want to be able to do the same? Make it happen, and know in your heart of hearts that it'll all come out in the wash. You have to believe that things can be achieved in order for them to actually happen. The power of change and positive thinking. Just go on and do it.

Grass roots

Sometimes you just have to get back home.

This past weekend, was kind of weird. The girls and I made plans to go hiking. The summer is coming down to an end, and it breaks my heart. Good thing we decided to go on a nature adventure on one of the last beautiful summer days we had left! 

Whenever I work out or get exercise, I get real quiet. I'm just trying to focus and I just kind of get into the zone where I tune everything out. Neil took us on an adventure to just go and sweat all of our troubles out. It hasn't really rained a lot so the falls were dried up, and it was real sad for me. I'm not used to seeing the area so dry before. Either way, there were lots of people that had the same idea we did. I'm used to having to haul ass up hills and climb over shit that scares me, but this trip was easy breezy. It was only probably a little over a mile out, and we hung out and walked back. There was a small amount of water we climbed through, but even at that--it was really cool to see what the bottom of the gorge looked like.

I kind of kept giggling to myself, because Marissa kept asking me if I was okay. She said it seemed like I was upset or mad, which I totally wasn't. Like I said, I just get in the zone and try to take it all in. There's something really refreshing about being in the outdoors. Being surrounded by everything nature has literally created. There's something about it that makes you dig your heels into the ground just a little firmer, and it cleanses your soul. That's what it does for me anyway. I don't particularly camp in tents all too often, but I do enjoy being outside and exploring. 

We all had a lot of fun being outside and such. We spent the rest of the weekend all together, having a good time. I was super tired the whole time I was there. I haven't been able to get much sleep, and haven't been much for company. Many apologies to my friends, I've been distant and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be in that mode for. The things you seem to suppress deep down, so you can function daily have a way of catching up with you. To speak on here of having so much loss seems to have not much worth to me. I can't possibly describe what the past few years have done to me, and it is extremely personal. Someday we'll all get to a point in our lives where we can figure it out. Clean out the skeletons for good. God only knows, how desperately I've been trying to do that. And I think I may just be getting the hang of doing it. just maybe. 

We posted pictures along the way, and I just got done uploading all my pictures from my camera. It still seems odd to me, that the girl in the photos is actually ME! Isn't that strange? Do you ever stop and sit sometimes and wonder how other people see you physically? I mean, you know what you look like--but I often wonder how other people see me. When I think about that, I assume people see the pudgy girl with the pretty face. The girl that no one really took any interest in. She was just labeled as "good people". What if some people don't see me like that? What happens if people see me as something amazing, something different? Not the pudgy girl with the pretty face, the melting girl with a heart of gold? Hmm...I wonder.

             

These are a few of the pics from this weekend. The one on the left cracks me up every time lol. I bought some ribbed tank tops from Target the other day, and threw one on to go hiking in. Nikki pointed out it was probably long enough to pull down past my shorts, and it totally was! The picture of us on the right has to be one of my favorites! Not only does it scream 'Murica! but I think it has shown a lot of my progress. When Marissa posted this online, I got a lot of compliments. I didn't see how I'd significantly changed until I got home and looked at it on a computer. My first reaction when I saw it, was I must have been standing at a good angle. It's hard not to talk myself out of actual realness I guess you could say. I've never been one to really boast about things in my life anyway. Another habit I'm going to have to kick. Learn how to take compliments and to believe in them.

Back on track

Okay, so the past few days have been crazy.

I weighed myself this morning to discover, I'm not as far off as I thought. My next appointment is on Tuesday, and I'm confident I can lose enough to get me closer to the 160's as possible. It's been A LOT of work, but I'm ready.

My friend Andrea is pregnant at work, and was having trouble finding maternity scrubs. Can you believe that only one brand makes maternity scrub bottoms?! I mean come on people! How hard is it to sew on an elastic waist band on pajama pants? Either way, I had tons of clothes to go through and get rid of. I haven't been a big fan of scrub tops, they always make me feel like I'm frumpy. I usually just wear a work out tee shirt with scrub bottoms. In fact, I really need to buy some new ones. My scrub pants have been looking like parachutes on me, and now I can fit both my legs into one side of my pants! The tops I had, have elastic on the sides of them. They would totally be able to stretch out and grow with her pregnancy. I have to admit, I was worried! The last thing I wanted to do, was to give her tops that didn't fit! Thank God they did! It was a really great feeling to know that at least the tops are being used, and that I could give away things that don't fit me anymore.

My friends from work have been commenting on my weight loss on almost a weekly basis now. Granted they only see me every other week, but still I can't help but think I'm imagining things. It's a great boost of confidence when people see the changes, and actually tell you! I'm not trying to fish for compliments, but it's been really nice for a change to feel good about myself. I think I'm finally getting to the point in my life, where I'm ready to move on and start living. My life has been stale and stagnant for a while, I need a new adventure. To have something to look forward to. It's been a long time coming, and although my life is not short of troubles and turmoil--I'm trying to make the best out of it. That's all we can do right?

Woot woot!

It's nice to have re-charged batteries!

This past weekend we all went out to celebrate Nikki and Marissa's birthdays! I of course had to work, so I ended up meeting everyone at the restaurant. Perfect timing actually, seeing as they were done and I was ready to go to the bar!

We ended up going to a local bar, we're usual suspects at. We all had a great time, and it was what we all needed. I can't imagine having anymore fun this summer, seems not possible at all. 

With everything being said and done, I of course stayed out too late and drank too much. I've been pretty used to getting home super late, then waking up early to go back to work. It's like I've said all along, I need to have a life. I simply refuse to let work get in my way. It's ridiculous. The whole drinking thing is a toss up with me. Anyone that knows me, knows I'm not a big drinker. Pretty much a cheap date actually lol. Which is a good thing for me, seeing as alcohol is pretty much just empty calories. 

Sometimes we just give into things, and I don't see how that's dangerous...unless of course you make a habit of it. Some days I get out of work just begging for a beer. There's something nice about winding down with a drink or something once in a while. Either way, I don't regret this weekend at all. I had fun.

While we were out, my friends Melissa and Lance showed up. I haven't seen either of them in a while, but it was great to visit with them. Lance is aspiring to get his certification to be a personal trainer. He had mentioned to me that I looked like I was losing weight. It stunned me, seeing as I was wearing a dress and you really couldn't tell what I looked like underneath. Lance assured me it was all in the face, and that my cheekbones were more prominent. I can't even tell you how good this made me feel. Like I said before, it wasn't until recently that I've noticed my change in weight loss. Anyway, Lance is going to help me target some areas of my body that I'm having trouble with. My upper arms totally suck and they
are flabby as all hell. I hate them and plan on getting rid of them ASAP!

Teetering

Damn you scale!

Here we go again, on the great teeter totter. This past weekend at the festival was a little crazy for me. I wouldn't say that we ate horribly, actually we ate more like birds than anything! I went back to work yesterday and ate with a vengeance. I can sit here all day and preach about making healthy choices, but I'm only human for fuck's sake! Everyone cheats, and the horribly way I justify my cheating is with portion control. It could be worse I suppose, I could totally engorge myself into eating like a sloppy pig. 

No one likes to go to the bathroom when they're camping. I have total stage fright when I have to pee in the woods. It's like I freeze and can't concentrate. No idea why, I just can't bring myself to do it! I tried going to the bathroom during my weekend, and literally just couldn't. I thought I'd be in some major pain when I got home--but I totally wasn't. Here we go with the "shit talking" literally! LOL. They say you should go regular like everyday, but I don't always. I mean, it just depends! I haven't been taking my vitamins like I should, and the only thing to blame on that is pure laziness. Totally disgusting. I am just too lazy to pop a few pills in the morning and afternoon. Lamesauce excuse! Either way, I'm finding that I'm not as "bound up" when I don't take all my vitamins. It's probably the iron pills, actually I know it's the iron pills!

I hopped on the scale today at work, and was horrified. Mind you, I went on it after I ate so I'm not sure how accurate it was. According to that scale, I gained back 3.5-4lbs from last week. FML. It's a good thing I don't weigh in for almost two weeks! My next scheduled appointment is with Dr. Cusimano herself, so I really want to make her proud! Last time I saw her, I hit my 20lb loss. This time when I see her I want to have exceeded my goal and hit my 40lb loss mark. I'm pretty damn close to hitting 40lbs if I do say so myself! Just a few more weeks, and I'll be in the 160's again! Yahoo!

It's crazy, looking at myself in the mirror now. I still see the same problem areas that I had before. It's strange to me, because I still see myself as "not being that bad". The same exact attitude I had when I was 30lbs heavier, and that scares me. During my camping trip this weekend, is when I started noticing a major change in my body. I am a total shutterbug. I take pictures of everything, I can't help it. Even going through my camera to see my pics during the weekend, I could see the visible changes in my body and in my face! It hit home even more when I uploaded them on my Facebook! Comparing the pics from just a year ago, to the ones I have now is totally mind blowing. I can't believe how full my face was, how chunky my arms were, how so in denial I was. I can honestly say, that I never want to get to that point in my life again. Not at all. 

Every week that I go back to work, people are always commenting on how I'm shrinking. I've even been able to motivate people at work to hop on the healthy band wagon. Anything in this life is possible. If I can do it, you can too. I know it's hard and you don't want to, but please trust me when I say that it is a game changer. Losing weight isn't just about the physical, it's a total transformation on your soul. Crazy dramatic, but it is. If you're like me, you reflect how you feel physically. And baby, sometimes that reflection isn't pretty. One of my secretaries at work is always telling me how pretty I am. Actually a lot of people tell me that. I didn't start believing them until just recently. Why shouldn't I?! You should give yourself the credit you deserve! Stop teetering yourself between living and limbo. Know that you deserve the very best in your life. Whether it's living a comfortable one, obtaining love, having fun, laughing etc. 

I never looked at myself as "the pretty one". I always viewed myself as "one of the girls". I used to think there wasn't anything particularly special about me. That even though I stood out with my personality, I kept trying to blend myself in behind the shadows of others. I was the girl no one ever looked at, as girlfriend material. She was just "a really good friend". I truly believed that I wasn't attractive, not like the others. That I could never have a man who truly wanted me. Things are different now. I'm older, and have been through a lot more. It's hard to convince yourself of anything, when you've beaten yourself into submission that you're something--you're totally not. I realize now my confidence is on a healthy incline. I am beautiful, inside and out. I have a heart of gold, that most people honestly get confused by. I am strong, dedicated, hard working, goal oriented, I'm an over achiever, tenacity out the ass, I am independent, I am loving. I am everything that someone should want, but not need to survive. I deserve to be treated well, to have things to look forward to in my life and not just down. I am an incredible machine, a force to be reckoned with and one hell of a catch.

How can you focus on moving forward, when you're constantly looking in the rear view mirror? Don't be afraid of "change", be excited to grow! And know in your heart of hearts, that some day things will be for the better. That even if you're at your happiest now, you can be even happier. Don't keep yourself in this perpetual state of teetering. It's all there right in front of you, just go for it! :)

"Grey Street" was totally written about me. This is the girl I used to be, until I realized there were people out there bringing the color back into my life.

Health Advocate

aka do this to lower your health insurance.

The company that I work for, teamed up some time ago with a health insurance program. Don't get me wrong, health care workers should be healthy! How can you treat your patients and preach to them about good health, when you're not in good health yourself? It's a really big pet peeve of many people, to be told what to do by a hypocrite. Unhealthy people are all around, you don't need 20/20 vision to see that!

Take a look at the cafeteria in the hospital for starters. Everyday they put on a display of pretty unhealthy items to choose from. Standard cheeseburgers, fries, hot dogs, salad bar, soup, pizzas, you name it! I will say this, my hospital does make an effort to implement healthy food choices in the cafeteria. I get it, sometimes you just really want to eat garbage. 

I complained A LOT about having a health coach call me like once a week. It was a total pain in the ass, and wasn't at all necessary considering I'm enrolled in a program. This year I was surprised to see that they changed the method to their madness. I have a health coach online through the website, and we pretty much e-mail back and forth. She's pretty cool too. I went into detail via e-mail with her about the program I'm on, and we've decided to target our discussion around exercise. What I can and shouldn't do at the gym, how I should isolate specific muscles and tips for keeping toned. It seems pretty legit. 

It was difficult for me the past year or so, just because my health coach didn't really help me. All she did was call and talk to me for like 20mins at a time, and feed me a line of bullshit. I feel like Christine actually is listening to me (even though we just message back and forth). It's easier for me to just get down to the nitty gritty and the proof, is in the pudding. I'm steadily losing weight still, and she has confidence in me that I can lose another 20-25lbs by October! 

Basically what I'm saying, is use tools to your advantage! They might seem like a total pain in the ass, but they are there to help you. If you don't use it, you lose it baby! At least take a stab and try it out. You have to be serious about it to some degree though. If you're not really ready to change your life, there's no point. You have to mean what you say, and follow through! Use everything you can to your advantage and get onto living a better more fulfilling life! I promise, you won't regret it.

Music is the only drug you need.

PEACH FEST 2012!

This past weekend, was literally the best weekend of my life. I've never had so much fun, ever! For those of you who don't know what Peach Fest is--Google it! LOL, no just kidding! It's a music festival featuring The Allman Brothers and a bunch of other bands that rock the house. I've been to small music festivals before, but nothing like this! It was in Scranton, Pa and was interesting to say the least.

We spend Thursday heading up there in a torrential downpour that had no mercy on our little mountain people in us. Half of us split up and found camp, while the other half of us stayed and waited for the next shuttle on the way to the hill. Montage mountain, is a ski resort. Imagine setting up camp, in a mud pit at a steep fucking incline. YUP, that was us! Thursday night and Friday morning was the worst of it though. It rained, but we were able to set up our tents by the short break the weather took. It poured in the morning, and slowly tapered off. Totally leaving the ground saturated around the ski slopes we were on, and thank God I packed my rain boots!

Let me tell you something about camping, you should always pack light. For the love of God. I only had two bags, but I had a total meltdown hiking the second time up the hill. I had three bags on me, and two lawn chairs strapped to my back and was ready to die. The air was muggy and thick, and considering I was a dumbass and forgot to have like a REAL meal that day--I immediately got the shakes and thought I was going to pass the fuck out! So there I was standing in the middle of the hill, with my head between my legs gasping for air. The girls went up and grabbed Neil for me, so he could help me out. These hippies came out of their camp next to me offering water and a paper towel. Not that I wasn't grateful, I just didn't want anyone in my face at the time of a meltdown! LOL shortly after that we made it back up the hill, and all was well!

The next three days were nothing short of incredibly amazing. What's not to like about being surrounded by your closest friends, good music and great weather?! The Allman Brothers were definitely incredible. I am so glad that I got to see them before I die! They're a total must go see! They put on one hell of a show! Zac Brown Band was equally as amazing and so were the Wailers! I still can't believe I was there! 

This weekend was a game changer for me. It was amazing to just go somewhere and not care about anything but getting up and having a great time. No phone over the weekend, no family drama to deal with. Just sun and having a great time. We mastered the navigation around the mountain pretty well, so that we weren't hiking the hill at such a steep incline the entire time. I do have bruises all over my legs from chair sitting casualties people had on me, I think I'm the only one that didn't tip down the hill in a lawn chair! LOL either way, this weekend opened up my eyes to so many other possibilities in my life. Including piecing my broken heart back together finally. Things aren't as bad as they seem, and sometimes it just takes that spontaneous wave of feel good music to understand it. 

Motivate

You have to keep going!

Anything that is worth having or doing in your life, is worth working your ass off for. If you don't put the work in, how do you expect lasting results? It's the same concept I apply to relationships, physical, mental etc. You have to keep yourself going, because whether you like it or not--tomorrow is on it's way baby! 

I always seems to learn things the hard way. It's always nice to have someone with experience in your life that can help you, but I've done a lot of "firsts" so to speak without so much help. Don't get me wrong, I have loads of support. But I've had to wing things on my own for a while. Starting this whole weight loss journey through Aviva, I've learned a heap of information that otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to pass on. Like remember when I mixed hot water into my protein shake because it smelled like hot cocoa mix? Yeah, like that and it was a huge disgusting mistake on my end! 

I'm noticing that my protein bars are getting so monotonous, that I can't 100% say I wouldn't vomit taking another bite out of one. I've been browsing around the store for bars that are similar, low sugar and high protein. Atkins bars seem to look all right, but I usually stick to Cliff bars or Luna Bars. Here I go again, with another set of firsts in trying different flavors I suppose. Either way, I'll report back and tell y'all which ones I like the best. Luna makes a really awesome white chocolate macadamia nut bar that is delish. Only problem is, if you eat it more than once a week you're going to get tired of it. I used to really like the lemon ones, but they just got too sweet for my liking. 

Lisa got a hold of me, and I'm so glad that I can be there to help her out! It's so important to keep each other rolling on the ball. I'm really impressed and I know that she has enough will power to make it work! I've been able to help her through questions she has, and my blog has provided her with a few laughs as well as being informative--which was my total goal for making this blog site! 

I'm serious, find a buddy, find a new friend anything to keep you motivated! Power in numbers definitely is easier to apply to a program like this! If you have people keeping you in check, it sucks but it comes from a place deep down where they do actually care! So keep your head up, and moving! Your whole life is waiting for you! :)

Losing it

This summer has been crazy to say the least!

Last week, I weighed in to find I had dropped another five pounds! I'm officially down to 174lbs, a number that I didn't think I'd ever see again. My goal for this month is to drop into the 160's, and it's looking like I can totally achieve it!

Last week was a really rough week for me. Upon dealing with a lot of stress from work, I had a great deal of personal stress on me. Thing have just been a whirlwind for me this year. Ups and downs are to be expected, but I've evolved a lot in the past few years. I'm a pretty tough woman if I do say so myself. Continuing with loss after loss, was more than I could bear. It's been nutty trying to get my life back on track, but you know what they say? Living well is the best revenge, and it's a dish I'm serving everyday baby!

There are just some things that you have to go through for yourself. Everyone works through things at their own pace, and I think I'm doing pretty well. I may not have dealt with things the way others saw fit, but they're others not me. 

My eating habits are tapering off into more and more healthy choices. From sticking to my regiment, to portion controlling. I've become a master at controlling myself in a physical aspect. All I'm really worried about right now, is getting more gym time in. I need to. Things are getting a little saggy these days, and I'm young enough where I can make it tight again. The pudginess under my arms is killing me! I've taken to doing push ups a lot, and it seems to be helping so I'll keep at it! Any suggestions?

Pay it forward

Who have you inspired lately?

Recently a lot of my friends have been asking questions about how I've been losing my weight. I had previously mentioned my friend Jim starting the program at Avia, and how he's doing really well on it. Despite some minor set backs that he had due to vacation, he's looking thinner these days for sure!

A good friend of mine Lisa, recently contacted me about information concerning the program. I am SUPER excited for her! She actually had her first appointment today, and I'm looking really forward to being able to help her out. I've always had a need to help people. This is why I'm in the healthcare field. I am everyone else's biggest cheerleader believe it or not! Ironic considering I have a hard time motivating myself, but I'm getting the hang of it! The more I publicize my weight loss, the more I have to be accountable for it. This blog is pure motivation for me. I set a goal, and I have to meet it...or else I'll be filled with self loathing when I have to report back as a failure. 

Don't even say I'm being too hard on myself! This is exactly what I need to keep myself in check! It's really nice to go through things like this with power in numbers. It's easy for me to help others, when I've been through what they're about to embark on. It's not like I know everything and I'm bossing them around, I'm relating to them. Another reason why I'm putting my weight on display for the world here. There are hundreds of other people right now I'm sure, that are on Google searching for testimonials on weight loss shakes and bars. If you're a new reader, please feel free to comment or ask me questions! I'm here to help you all!

If I can help people get on the road to owning their lives again, I'll do whatever it takes. It's not easy by any means, but you're not alone! I can't wait until Lisa starts, so I can help her through this process. There is so much shit I would have totally wanted to know before hand, but I went into it blind. Glad I did too, so now I can pass on all that information to someone else!

Clean out your damn closet

Dreading, dreading, dreading.

I finally forced myself to go through a good chunk of my clothes, after work tonight. Good God. I have so much clothing, I honestly don't know where or when I'd have the time to wear it all! I do this thing after each year or so, where I go through my entire closet. This time, it wasn't because my clothes were old--it was because most of them didn't fit me!

Does anyone else out there save smaller sized clothes they once fit in? I totally do, tags and all on some of them. I discovered recently a top that had been pretty tight on me last year. I decided to throw it on when I went out for the night, and discovered it was loose on me! I bought it last year when I was in LA from Forever 21. It is a really cute tank top with lace around the neck, and a floral print. I remember wearing it to Santa Monica pier and being really self conscious. It was so hot outside and Hien convinced me to wear it. My arms have always been a problem area for me, but I just though whatever. When I put it on, I realized how much I had transformed from last year. I owned the shirt, in every sense of the phrase. My arms have shrunk, and so has my spare tire! It was enough to motivate me, to go through my clothes and weed 'em out!

Salvation Army is a really awesome program. I always donate my clothing to them. I take really good care of everything I own. I had to do laundry tonight anyway, so while I was going through my laundry--I just kept going deeper into my closet. Needless to say I filled up two huge garbage bags full of clothes to donate! Some are winter clothes, summer, tops, bottoms, shorts, sweaters, you name it! I wasn't tempted at all to try them on again, for the simple fact that I could see clearly by lifting them up, they totally wouldn't have fit me!

It is incredibly empowering to put on your "safe" outfit. You know, the one you always felt comfortable in? The one that you thought made you look good? Well it didn't. It just covered your rolls and made you look frumpy. Now that outfit looks like a parachute on me, and it was thrilling to toss that old shit into the bag! Get rid of it! Go! Weed out all of your old things, so you can make room for new!

Now only if I could part with my shoe collection...

Summer is...

All about having a good time!

This past weekend, I headed out to Marissa's for a summer party. We were prepping and getting ready for our big summer bash, that is becoming a tradition. The weather has been pretty spotty around, and of course it ended up raining damn near all day Saturday. Who cares about rain! We just built a slip in slide made out of shower curtains and away we went!

I drove up on Friday to meet the girls. We headed out shopping for party supplies, food and booze of course. I know what you're all thinking: don't do it Thao. Well, sorry to disappoint but I DID. I GOT SMASHED. I usually don't drink that much, but it was my turn to let loose and not give a rats ass. Things have been really crazy lately in my world, and I needed a weekend full of good friends. Of course we all ate garbage all weekend. Between burgers, chicken speedies, pasta salad, guacomole, chips, dip...you all get the hint! It wasn't pretty. We were all feeling real guilty on Sunday when our drinking and feasting was over.

I can't really say I feel entirely too bad about the whole thing. Cheating is always a big temptation when you're trying to incorporate self control. Of course, I ended up gaining some of my weight back, but nothing that I can't get off this week. My appointment isn't scheduled until the 8th, so I won't know for sure by then. My goal until then, is to stick to my guns and get down to 175 by then. 

My goal I'm shooting for, leads me into needing to get rid of 33lbs by October. I realize that this is going to be super difficult, considering I have two months. I'd REALLY like to be down another 33lbs by then, but I'll take anything I can get that leads me closer and closer to that number. By my calculations, I've lost 30lbs total and couldn't be more excited. Every time people see me now, they compliment me and tell me how much smaller I am! It's still hard to believe that I really have gotten this far. I've never done a diet or a plan that I've had this much success with. Everything in life worth wanting to have, takes persistence. If you can keep yourself motivated and strong, you can accomplish just about anything. 

Summer is all about gaining control and independence in my life. I know now more than ever who I am, and what I'm all about! For years I carried all my emotions, physically on my body. As I'm working through internal "weigh downs", they're beginning to shed off physically. I am truly a happy girl!

It's been a while!

Super sorry for not posting in a long ass time!

I'm sure what little readers I had, have dwindled down to just a scarce few now! My goal was to get back into the 170's by the end of July, and I did it! My appointment last week was great! I managed to get back down to 179lbs, a weight that I haven't been at since my senior year of high school! Can you believe that!

It was A LOT of hard work, but I was super confident I could get there. I can't tell you all how good it feels to have accomplished such milestones. The taste of success and achievement, far surpasses any tastes of food that I could put in my mouth. My confidence is getting stronger, and I've been able to work through a number of issues in my life. There is a certain balance I've restored in myself, and it has made a world of difference! Thank you all for the never ending support and love, I couldn't have gotten this far without some friendly pushers!