It's been a while!

Super sorry for not posting in a long ass time!

I'm sure what little readers I had, have dwindled down to just a scarce few now! My goal was to get back into the 170's by the end of July, and I did it! My appointment last week was great! I managed to get back down to 179lbs, a weight that I haven't been at since my senior year of high school! Can you believe that!

It was A LOT of hard work, but I was super confident I could get there. I can't tell you all how good it feels to have accomplished such milestones. The taste of success and achievement, far surpasses any tastes of food that I could put in my mouth. My confidence is getting stronger, and I've been able to work through a number of issues in my life. There is a certain balance I've restored in myself, and it has made a world of difference! Thank you all for the never ending support and love, I couldn't have gotten this far without some friendly pushers!

Reward time

Every 10 pounds I lose, I reward myself.

Healthy rewards are always a bonus. I'd rather reward myself with a little somethin' somethin' than food. Food is not your friend, it is fuel. I'm starting to HATE when people invite me out to dinner to celebrate something. Our value on food as a society, has lead us to celebrate dumping an obscene amount of food into our bellies, so much that we are sure to leave in food comas. I still go with them, no doubt. I just portion control.

Has anyone heard of Nike fuel band? If you haven't, you should really look into it. It's an awesome product, that I think might just be my 30lb reward! Anyone that knows me, know that I swear by my Nikes. I freaking love them. Although I've been wearing Saucony lately (they're really comfortable sneakers!), I always go back to my trusted Nike kicks. Nike+ is a million dollar idea. It's this little thing that you put in the bottom of your Nikes, and tracks how many miles you've ran and where. There's a site you just register at, and you can keep things totally private. Since I am not a long distance runner, I've been looking into getting a fuel band. The system is almost like a pedometer, but better.

Okay, so it's a little masculine looking, but the benefits will outweigh it's ugliness. Basically, it's a wristband. You wear it all day. It collects data from movement and activity you do. Once you set up an account, you put yourself at a daily goal. Throughout the day, the colored meter slowly changes, and when you've hit green you've hit goal! I find this to be more of my style. Seeing as I don't run all the time, but I move around a lot. It'll track calories, steps, miles etc. I already constantly wear a hair tie around my wrist, so wearing this wouldn't be a big deal. It's also a visual and mental thing. I bet it feels awesome to finally see the bracelet light green! It's a visible reminder to be active, and to stay on target! 

It runs for $149, and you can order it online. I'll have to research it a bit more, I doubt that it is waterproof. I thought about getting a FitBit also, but I like the fuel band better I think. The FitBit clips onto your shirt/pants and it looks like it could fall off. Something I'm not interested in losing so quickly. Either way, I'll research it some more and report back! Anyone use it before?

Down

Down, down, down.

I've been wallowing in the pits these past few days. Have been really down. Have you ever suppressed so many things that when it catches up with you, you can't put your finger on what's bothering you? This has been me, along with so many others I know lately. Makes me wonder what the fuck is going on. That there's some universal bullshit going around, and everyone is catching it.

The truth is, my heart is broken. My heart physically hurts. You know when someone says something to you that is so painful, you feel that little "ting" in your chest. That weird almost weak sensation that travels to the pit of your stomach? Yeah, I've been feeling like that lately--but with no one to blame. It's a culmination of things I have somewhat hid away I suppose. I've always been a sensitive person, despite what my outer core might depict me to be. It's natural for things to bother you, but what is the most frustrating is having no control over any of it. 

You never really get over pain, despite what foolish optimistic people tell you. I wish Tool was right. I wish that pain was an illusion, but it's not. It is real and is smacking me the face. When something devastating happens to you, on any level you have no choice but to feel. When people say they're over things, what they really mean is that they've learned to live around the pain. You can argue with me all you want, but until I know from personal experience that you can "get over it"--I'm settling for living around it. 

I've been missing my grandparents a lot these days. It hasn't helped that Grandma's birthday was on the 11th, and the anniversary of her deal wasn't that far behind it. I wish so many things, I wish I could have taken more advantage of the time I had with her. She always knew the right things to say, even though our relationship wasn't the greatest. At times I hated her guts, detested her. Looking at her some days would set me off, and I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Hien tells me that she learns new things from Grandma everyday, that more now than ever she understands what a lot of their conversations meant. I desperately wish I had those conversations with her, desperately. I woke up crying yesterday in the morning, asking out loud to her while I cried into my pillow if this was how it's always going to feel. Crazy or not, I felt a weak spot or a tingling in my right hand--and I knew Grandma was there holding it. I don't believe for a second that people truly leave you when they pass, that they're always present as long as you're present on this Earth. Even though it was a really sad and dark place I was in, I knew I wasn't alone.

I can't promise anyone I'll be feeling less depressed in the next few days. Honestly, I think I just need to go through it. No one really wants to talk about why they're down, sharing it just makes you have to relive moments of pain in your life. Although I've made BOUNDS of progress, this type of hurt is very private to me. Do you guys know what I mean? I hope I haven't made anyone feel sorry for me, the last thing I want is pity. This blog is everything me. The good, funny, bad and sorrow filled parts. Just another piece of evidence that I am human, and not some droid come to spam the internet with glorious weight loss products! LOL

Back from the dead

I'm back!

The previous weeks with internet problems, was a complete mess. Shortly after that, I took a break from blogging. In all honesty, I feel like not blogging has put me behind. Or so I thought! 

Through the duration of my time with this weight loss, I've found out a lot about myself. Everything from what makes me tick, addictions of any sort and above all else--how I feel about myself. It's been a long and hard struggle, but I'm starting to see the results I sought out in the first place. Today I went for my weekly check in! I've missed two weeks at the office (due to vacationing and scheduling conflicts), and I was really nervous. Low and behold, I hopped on the scale to find, I had lost another two pounds! It might not seem like much to anyone else, but this day marks my 30lb loss! Holy shit! I'm half way there! 

I've made a goal to be in the 170's by the end of the month, something that I am for sure to achieve. Currently, I am weighing in at 182lbs. It's crazy for me to look back at when I started. Even scrolling through pictures, I find myself asking "how did I NOT realize I looked like that?!" You've all been there right? I know you have. I perceived myself to look entirely different, than I actually did! Even now sometimes, I think I look a certain way--and I totally don't! My face is the biggest time changer for me. My cheeks have tapered down, and I have somewhat of a pointier chin now. Having a round face sucks. Even when I was skinny, I felt like my face made me look like a pudgy bunny. Take a look for yourself:

                       

The picture on the left was taken in October 2011, not even a year ago. The picture on the right, is of course a recent one. Even though pictures can be deceiving at different angles, I find the comparison to be pretty shocking. Was the girl on the left happy? She looks like she is, because she is smiling, but secretly inside she was dying. Her life around her was spinning in circles, and she couldn't control it. The unhappiness out weighed any physical weight she bared. Hiding behind a smile, she walked about being the same old girl she had been for so many years. "You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth." This quote by Chuck Palahniuk in his book Invisible Monsters hit me like a ton of bricks. That was me. 


My face is still round, there's no getting rid of that. Even at some angles in pictures, I see myself as the girl on the left. Comparing these pictures, are more of a motivation for myself. To remember where I came from, how far I've gotten and to know in my deepest core--that life goes on. The only constant in the world, is change. Everyday when I get up, there's something different. We have to evolve and keep ourselves in the living to get by. I am my own ultimate judge. I am the person who is hardest on me. For years, it has broke me...and now it's been the one to pull me out of the pool I was drowning in. Change comes from somewhere deep inside of you. Someday you'll all be able to find your "invisible monster", pull it out from underneath your bed--and beat it down.

Good grief!

It only took me 3 1/2 weeks, but I'm finally back online!

For the love of God! I swear, computer problems are among the most frustrating problems ever! I don't know what it is about it, but it seems to make everyone have such a short fuse! After four new modems, two wireless routers, five visits from cable techs including a supervisor, running all new cables and lines to the house, slapping on filters at the neighbor's houses, and two power surge connectors---I'm back baby!

You can almost say that about my weight also. I gained back four pounds from my last visit two weeks ago. It's been really crazy lately, and even though I'm supposed to go every week I've had to skip out on two. I plan on calling the office tomorrow and scheduling one for this week or early next week if I can get in.

It's been a busy could of weeks! I went for wee adventure to Marissa's for a girls weekend. We all had a great time and enjoyed fun in the sun. She has an awesome house with a pool, so needless to say we got our tan on! It was really nice to just relax and have fun with your best girls. 

I went back to work this week, so I haven't had time to do much of anything. I'm cutting this blog post short tonight. There are other things in the house I need to get done, and I am pooped out!

Malfunction

I am SO sorry everyone...

if there's anyone reading that is!

I've been having a huge malfunction with Time Warner and getting my modem fixed.

I have been out of internet access since my last post, and it looks as if I'm being blown off by the cable company!

Too bad TWC dominates my area, as far as internet providers go. I am posting this from my phone, which I HATE! 

Anyway,

I haven't forgot about my blog, I just refuse to type what I need to on my phone lol

Hoping to have this fixed soon, it has been three weeks of this crap!

Other than this, regimeny is going well.

Need to schedule an appointment for ybis week, totally forgot! oops!

Beaches

Where to begin?

I've never worn a bikini in my entire life. Not even when I was thin. Isn't it strange how in the past you view yourself as being a whale, and you look back now and realize you were skinny? I hate that shit. It makes me feel like I wasted time, time that I could have spent being happy and comfortable.

There is no way in hell that I'll be slinking into a bikini this year. It's just a fact. I'm hoping that by next summer, I'll be small and confident enough to wear one. For now, I'm sticking to my tankinis. I really do like them actually. It makes me feel better than wearing a one piece. Not that there's anything wrong wearing a once piece, wearing two separates makes me feel like I'm on the verge of getting to my goal. There was a time in my life where I didn't put on a bathing suit. I simply didn't go to the beach swimming or anything. In fact up until last year, it had been almost NINE YEARS since I had put on a swim suit. It's crazy how your insecurity can hold you back for so long. 

Here's the truth about the whole swim suit bit. If you're comfortable, who gives a shit. Honestly. On my vacation to the DR last year, there was a British woman I was talking to at the beach. She was large, probably around 240 if I had to guess. She was wearing a bikini! To tell you the truth, she didn't look bad in it either. I observed her while we were sipping on drinks together, and I realized how confident she was. A confident British woman in her 50's wearing a bikini without a rock hard body, and no one seemed to notice. I envied her, I was totally jealous. How is it, that I'm smaller than her and feeling INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE in my suit on the beach? 

If you're happy with who you are, how you look, and you're confident--it can make ALL the difference. I bought a tankini top from Victoria's Secret. When it arrived in the mail, I was so excited to put it on. When I looked at it online, it didn't seem like it plunged down too far. When I tried it on, I felt like it plunged half way to my belly button! My boobs are big, they've always been big. I don't like to flaunt my chest, because I'm not confident in my body. And that is the TRUTH. I'm not comfortable with getting "that kind" of attention from people. I don't know what that issue is. Just speaking out loud, I have a serious pet peeve with some larger girls. It irritates the HELL out of me, when larger girls wear tops so their boobs hang out. Like that's the only part of you that matters? It makes me incredibly annoyed, because it's TRASHY. It's almost like showing that being overweight isn't so bad, because you have huge bazoombas on you and skinny girls don't. I just find it sad and degrading. This is TOTALLY my own shit. If you happen to be one of those girls, I'm apologizing ahead of time. Maybe those girls are really super confident in themselves, I have no idea. I just know, that I'm not one of them.

Moving along. A few weeks later I tried on the top again, and started to think it wasn't so bad. My recent trip to NYC has given me a boost of confidence I didn't know could exist. I'm proud of my progress this far, and I should have happy to show off my hard work. Just don't expect to find me running around in skimpy clothes! The biggest problem I have with finding a suit, is getting enough support. Like I said, I don't like the girls to hang out for a peep show! Last night I had to go to Target for a wireless router, and a power surge thing. While I was there, I stumbled upon a gray and neon tankini that was super cute. Luckily, they had a large top in my size, and matching bottoms. I've always wanted the luxury of buying really cute suits. I'm not quite there yet, but pretty damn close. I hurried to the dressing room, put on the top and discovered my belly had deflated! The top looked really good, and I was actually comfortable in it! It's not typically something I'd wear, but that's exactly why I bought it. It's gray with neon yellow/greenish piping on it. Nothing fancy or anything, but I'm really happy I bought it. 

I'm headed to a summer full of pool parties, beaches and fun. I don't want to be ashamed or scared to wear my suit in front of everyone. I need to look at my progress and how far I've came, versus thinking about how much further I need to go. Weight loss is a serious reality and wake up call. It's always going to be battle for me, and it's one that is totally worth fighting for. My goals aren't too far out there, they're totally achievable. I just have to keep going.