Down

Down, down, down.

I've been wallowing in the pits these past few days. Have been really down. Have you ever suppressed so many things that when it catches up with you, you can't put your finger on what's bothering you? This has been me, along with so many others I know lately. Makes me wonder what the fuck is going on. That there's some universal bullshit going around, and everyone is catching it.

The truth is, my heart is broken. My heart physically hurts. You know when someone says something to you that is so painful, you feel that little "ting" in your chest. That weird almost weak sensation that travels to the pit of your stomach? Yeah, I've been feeling like that lately--but with no one to blame. It's a culmination of things I have somewhat hid away I suppose. I've always been a sensitive person, despite what my outer core might depict me to be. It's natural for things to bother you, but what is the most frustrating is having no control over any of it. 

You never really get over pain, despite what foolish optimistic people tell you. I wish Tool was right. I wish that pain was an illusion, but it's not. It is real and is smacking me the face. When something devastating happens to you, on any level you have no choice but to feel. When people say they're over things, what they really mean is that they've learned to live around the pain. You can argue with me all you want, but until I know from personal experience that you can "get over it"--I'm settling for living around it. 

I've been missing my grandparents a lot these days. It hasn't helped that Grandma's birthday was on the 11th, and the anniversary of her deal wasn't that far behind it. I wish so many things, I wish I could have taken more advantage of the time I had with her. She always knew the right things to say, even though our relationship wasn't the greatest. At times I hated her guts, detested her. Looking at her some days would set me off, and I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Hien tells me that she learns new things from Grandma everyday, that more now than ever she understands what a lot of their conversations meant. I desperately wish I had those conversations with her, desperately. I woke up crying yesterday in the morning, asking out loud to her while I cried into my pillow if this was how it's always going to feel. Crazy or not, I felt a weak spot or a tingling in my right hand--and I knew Grandma was there holding it. I don't believe for a second that people truly leave you when they pass, that they're always present as long as you're present on this Earth. Even though it was a really sad and dark place I was in, I knew I wasn't alone.

I can't promise anyone I'll be feeling less depressed in the next few days. Honestly, I think I just need to go through it. No one really wants to talk about why they're down, sharing it just makes you have to relive moments of pain in your life. Although I've made BOUNDS of progress, this type of hurt is very private to me. Do you guys know what I mean? I hope I haven't made anyone feel sorry for me, the last thing I want is pity. This blog is everything me. The good, funny, bad and sorrow filled parts. Just another piece of evidence that I am human, and not some droid come to spam the internet with glorious weight loss products! LOL