Back from the dead

I'm back!

The previous weeks with internet problems, was a complete mess. Shortly after that, I took a break from blogging. In all honesty, I feel like not blogging has put me behind. Or so I thought! 

Through the duration of my time with this weight loss, I've found out a lot about myself. Everything from what makes me tick, addictions of any sort and above all else--how I feel about myself. It's been a long and hard struggle, but I'm starting to see the results I sought out in the first place. Today I went for my weekly check in! I've missed two weeks at the office (due to vacationing and scheduling conflicts), and I was really nervous. Low and behold, I hopped on the scale to find, I had lost another two pounds! It might not seem like much to anyone else, but this day marks my 30lb loss! Holy shit! I'm half way there! 

I've made a goal to be in the 170's by the end of the month, something that I am for sure to achieve. Currently, I am weighing in at 182lbs. It's crazy for me to look back at when I started. Even scrolling through pictures, I find myself asking "how did I NOT realize I looked like that?!" You've all been there right? I know you have. I perceived myself to look entirely different, than I actually did! Even now sometimes, I think I look a certain way--and I totally don't! My face is the biggest time changer for me. My cheeks have tapered down, and I have somewhat of a pointier chin now. Having a round face sucks. Even when I was skinny, I felt like my face made me look like a pudgy bunny. Take a look for yourself:

                       

The picture on the left was taken in October 2011, not even a year ago. The picture on the right, is of course a recent one. Even though pictures can be deceiving at different angles, I find the comparison to be pretty shocking. Was the girl on the left happy? She looks like she is, because she is smiling, but secretly inside she was dying. Her life around her was spinning in circles, and she couldn't control it. The unhappiness out weighed any physical weight she bared. Hiding behind a smile, she walked about being the same old girl she had been for so many years. "You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it's just teeth." This quote by Chuck Palahniuk in his book Invisible Monsters hit me like a ton of bricks. That was me. 


My face is still round, there's no getting rid of that. Even at some angles in pictures, I see myself as the girl on the left. Comparing these pictures, are more of a motivation for myself. To remember where I came from, how far I've gotten and to know in my deepest core--that life goes on. The only constant in the world, is change. Everyday when I get up, there's something different. We have to evolve and keep ourselves in the living to get by. I am my own ultimate judge. I am the person who is hardest on me. For years, it has broke me...and now it's been the one to pull me out of the pool I was drowning in. Change comes from somewhere deep inside of you. Someday you'll all be able to find your "invisible monster", pull it out from underneath your bed--and beat it down.