Level ground

You're killing me scale.

Went back to work today, and it wasn't so bad. Despite the fact that I started my shake a bit late today, and made the mistake of taking my vitamins without food. I took them around 10:00 when I got there, and I usually eat them with a protein bar. Well, we were pretty busy up until around noon; that's when the nausea began. Ugh--by that time I was ready to hurl. I quick ran out into the office and scarfed down a bite of the bar. Wish it was enough to work, but I stayed nauseous most of my shift. Oh and my ice melted too, bummer. I always make my shakes with ice, goes down easier.

Fine. I know I'm not supposed to be weighing myself at home, but I do. So freaking sue me! The problem I'm having, is getting an accurate weigh. We have two scales at home. One that sits in our bathroom, and one that is in the foyer. I know weird, but the foyer has a pretty flat surface--so I thought. My scales are never in the same range as the other. Both are digital. The one in the bathroom is 4lbs light, and the one in the foyer seems to be in the same range as the doctor's office. Here's the problem. Lately I've been weighing myself on my usual foyer scale, and the numbers are coming up different EVERY TIME I GET ON. I have this OCD rule; if I weigh the same number 3x consecutively on the scale, then it should be accurate. I hop on and off 3x, each time letting the scale zero out.

Unless the foundation shifted in my house, I'm pretty sure something is wrong. Tonight when I got home from work I tinkered with the scales a bit. I made my dad help me. He knows his exact weight. He weighed himself on both scales and they were BOTH off. We ended up putting the foyer scale in the bathroom. When he hopped on, his weight was exactly accurate. Guess I'll be ditching the other scale, not like I really went by it anyway. 

I bought the "foyer scale" at Wal-Mart a few years ago. I know what you're thinking, I totally cheated on Target. It was a late night purchase though, and I really needed it. Then this see through glass one appeared out of nowhere. My mom had bought a Weight Watchers scale. Not knocking on the brand, but it's totally inaccurate. Or at least I'm pretty sure it is. The big test is to see how the scales compare to Dr. Cusimano's. I know her's is calibrated and accurate, so at least tomorrow I'll get an idea of where my home scale stands.

Lunchbox blues...

"Oh look, another glorious morning. Makes me SICK!"

-Winifred Sanderson Hocus Pocus

Wouldn't it be fabulous if there was some magic spell to fix everything? Ahh, only in the movies I suppose. Tomorrow I head back to work, woof. Tuesdays are always a 50/50 chance of love/hate. Love it when it's time for my rotation to be complete, hate it when it means I have to go back. I know I should be looking at the glass half full versus empty, but going back from having time off is such a drag!

It's not the work that gets to me, it's hard to see everyone eating everything they want. Not everyone is healthy, but it doesn't make it any easier seeing them eat delicious strawberry flavored sugar death in front of me. In my heart of hearts, I know it's better for me in the long run. So, I do what I need to do. STAY AWAY. FAR FAR AWAY FROM THEM. Since I've started this diet, I've been eating by myself. And no it isn't sad, actually I'm beginning to really enjoy it. It's peaceful, quiet and I have little temptation to deviate. Just me, my kindle & lunchbox of tricks.

I've noticed that I weigh less in the morning, something I look forward to. I ate some soup today and weighed myself after. UGH lol, who thought a bowl of soup could make a 2lb difference on the scale?! All it had in it was broth, chunks of chicken and a minimal amount of rice. Your body is an incredible machine.

Tomorrow morning I'll be gathering my things up. Dumping vitamins into my container, packing up the blender bottle, counting out my shake packets and rationing out my protein bars. I weigh in on Thursday at the office. I doubt I'm going to lose 5lbs by any stretch, but I'm confident that I at least lost a pound or two. 

Reason or Season

Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things. Am I really happy? Because there's a big difference between being happy and content while skating by. If the goals I set in my life are fulfilling to me; and if they aren't, why? Why is it so easy to pick out all the wrongs and rights in everyone else's lives, but not in your own? 

I am a super organized planner, thanks to my mother. I have a need to be organized, I crave it. When I started college, I had big plans for my career. Having a job and stability is the goal, after that everything falls into place right? Welp, it's a little more complicated than that! I put my weight on the back burner for years, now is the right time to tackle it. Everyone has body image issues; so when I say there are limitations or "restrictions" you feel because of them, most can relate.  After I got the degree and career down, it was time for ME. Me to figure out what I wanted in life, what I could get my hands on. Every dream that I have is of a healthy me enjoying my life with the ones I love. 

I've made a big commitment with this program, because I believe that it will almost define the rest of my life. Okay, okay I know dramatic...but I really mean it. Having a complete fresh start, means the world to me. Once I tackle my weight, I have big plans. Confidence is something that no one can give you, it can't be taught, you have to feel it. Living in conditions that are dismal, negative and so un-motivating is a recipe for a really unhappy person. The way I look at things, is this:

I can either stay and work out my problems, or go somewhere else with them.

I got baggage to check, and it's not going anywhere with me. Planning to wipe the slate clean is a scary thing, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for something new. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the unhappiest person in the world. I just feel like there's a whole lot of happiness out there for me, and it sure as hell isn't doing me any good being stagnant. It might not look like I'm doing much, but trust me the gears are turning.

Cheater, cheater...

HEY! I'm no pumpkin eater!

This weekend was the first round of Halloween parties, and gatherings of the Fall season. Nikki and I went shopping in September for our costumes, and I am sure glad we did! I ended up finding an adorable Snow White costume, cape and all! I've always secretly wanted to go as a Disney princess and I finally did! Nikki went as Bat Girl, and her costume was great! She got these pleather leggings that I'd kill to wear, maybe next year when I'm skinny! Anyway needless to say we had a great time. Best weekend I've had in a super long time!

Remember when I said I'm not supposed to drink? The last few years, I haven't had a real desire to drink much. In high school and college days, it was more like having something to prove--how hard you can party that is.  Since I've started my career, I haven't been much for drinking. Let me tell you something, you seriously don't start wanting something super bad--until someone says you can't. Before you all start gasping, and tisk tisking let me just say I wasn't drunk. My drinks consisted of 1/2 a wine spritzer, 1/2 glass of jungle juice (omg by the way, Lino makes a mean punch!), 1.5 beers, and a shot to Jameson. God that looks bad when I type it out. Ouch. Ok fine TISK AWAY! 

Let's be real people, eventually I was going to slip. The point of this blog is to be honest about this program and my life. It would be one big fat old lie if I didn't write these things. I'm a REAL person with REAL issues. If you thought this blog was going to be a fairy tale story about how easy and wonderful this program is, you're sadly mistaken. I may be Snow White for Halloween, but the fairy tale sure as hell doesn't carry over into my reality world! I have been following my regiment strictly for the past month. Not that it's an excuse, but to my defense I really haven't been drinking all the other weeks. My girlfriends can attest to that! I don't keep things from Dr. Cusimano, so I'll tell her Thursday. Hopefully this won't put a dent into my weigh in this week, and if it does I'll willingly wear the scarlet letter for it.


Oh, and by the way. I wasn't joking when I said I wasn't a pumpkin eater. I effing hate pumpkin and any squash like grossness. Except for eggplant, that I can do.

Happy Halloween!
Bat Girl, Snow White, & Dark Angel aka
Nikki, Me, & Marissa

There comes a time to cut loose!

FOOTLOOSE!

Today I went to lunch and the movies with a few friends from work. I am a HUGE fan of the original Footloose, so seeing this one was a huge compromise from me. Feel like i'm cheating on Kevin Bacon! So here's my verdict--it was a well made remake, but nothing compares to the original. The new one was a bit spunkier, was pretty funny and entertaining. They dumbed down the whole warehouse scene, but c'mon that's a tough scene to even attempt to remake.

Anyway, today was pretty good. I love going to the movies. A lot of times I even go alone, only if it's a non scary movie though ha! So if you're thinking about going to see it, I think it's worth it. This weekend is the first round of Halloween parties, so excited! Get ready for Snow White!

Rock steady

The waves keep on crashin' on me for some reason

Today I faced the scale. Definitely nervous, I was really super hoping to be out of the 200's. I ended up only melting away the 2.5lbs I had gained from my prior fiasco. I'm glad that I lost it, but I was hoping I had lost at least another pound. It's okay though, not like I gained anything.

They were confident at the office I'd be in the 100's by my next appointment, which is next Thursday. Buys me an extra day to melt some weight off. Actually, 2.5lbs isn't too shabby. My other nurse (I forget her name all the time, but she's super sweet) said 2.5lbs meant that I had lost 7,000 calories. 7,000! I was astonished! 3,500 calories=1lb. CRAZY! So, in terms of that I felt super kick ass about it!

Looking at my chart, I now have 3 logs at 200lbs. AR-BA-GAR. Next week, it for sure won't be there again. After I get into the 100's again, it'll all be a big boost I need to keep it off. I've been extremely sleep deprived this week. I even posted a status about going to bed early so I wouldn't be a mean girl at work the next day lol. You know those headaches you get where your scalp hurts? UGH, going on two days now and i'm positive it's because I'm not getting enough sleep. Usually on my weeks off, Wednesday is my day to sleep in and catch up. Alas, I had an early appointment and I'm kicking myself in the arse for it now!

Went to Best Buy today to pick up an AUX jack for my car. My old one (which measured 14" long jeez) was worn out and not working properly. While I was there, I scoped out the phones. I want a new phone so bad. So bad I'm beginning to convince myself I need one. I'm such a tech junkie! They didn't have any phones I was interested in, but Hello Kitty caught my eye. God, I LOVE HELLO KITTY.

Hello Kitty light up optical mouse

I didn't actually get her, but I told my sister about it. Hien is coming home soon, so we'll go get us super cute mice for our computers! The USB part of my optical mouse I have now is broken, so it's a good excuse to get another. I mean she lights up and she's floating in a bathtub at the bottom of the mouse! What's NOT to like?! She convinced me to wait for my phone purchase, that it would mean more rewarding myself after my goal. I'm the type of person that if I want or need something, I just go get it. So, I'm trying a new approach with my lifestyle. Refraining from impulsive retail spending, is definitely going to be harder than losing weight...

You can go your own way

Go your own way!

So thankful another work week is over. Fall seems to be the time for changes to happen. Moving on to bigger and better things seems to be the trend. Which, I can't really say that I blame. Maybe it's because as children we all start going to school around Fall, which makes it feel like the right time of year to start something new and fresh. New Years resolutions never have really appealed to me, but Fall--ahh the Fall just feels right.

Tomorrow, I meet my fate for this week at the scale. Hoping that it will be nice to me this time, and show me a lower number! This journey hasn't been easy at all, not going to lie. Anything that is worth doing, takes a lot of dedication and will power. I've spent so long feeling like I've been trapped in this body. I mean it when I say I don't ever want to get back to this weight again. This is the largest I've been in my entire life. Most people say I carry my weight well. I think it's about time to fess up and say how much I weigh.

September 2010, Weight=208lbs
Umm...arm flab, yeah working on getting rid of it lol!

Don't let the smile fool you! Sure thanks to Calvin Klein, you probably wouldn't be able to tell I was over 200lbs. It seriously grosses me out to think that I weighed that much. I was so excited when I bought this dress. One of my besties, Robb who always tells me the truth helped me pick it out. It was a size 14, which amazed me because hello it's CK! You know how brands are, hit or miss. Let's face it people, there is NO universal size, sizes vary brand to brand. I was fluctuating between sizes 14-16. Couldn't seem to find the right fit. No matter what size I wore, I usually had a muffin top or spare tire. What's a spare tire you ask? Welp, what a spare tire means to me is the pouch/slab of fat that sits right above your who-ha. I haven't even had kids yet! How embarassing...lol. 

When I began seeing Dr. Cusimano, I weighed in at 205lbs. Not bad, I lost a few pounds from last year big whoop. Needless to say for the past 2 weeks I've been still in the 200 range, thanks to my lovely iron supplements. I can't even express to you all how much hitting the 100's means to me. I still have a long way to goal, but I know I can do it.

I'm getting back into shape, for me, not anyone else. I'm doing it for all the right reasons. Sitting at 25, I'm in the prime of my life. There are still so many things for me to do, to learn and experience. I'm headed for a fresh start. There are no do overs in life, you can't go back to square one. But--you can start fresh once you leave the square you're on.

So hate on haters,

try and break me down by taking smack about how big I am,

or how much I actually weigh. I'm not ashamed anymore.

Because the one thing I know for certain is--

I can LOSE weight, but you won't ever lose your hateful attitude.